Archive | April, 2008

Dear Senator Obama:

Dude, you’ve had a crappy week, there’s no two ways about it.

The good news is you’ve proven yourself a true Democrat. In other words, your “friends” are doing their best to help you snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. If that’s not Democratic I don’t know what is.

That said, I would like to offer some wisdom. I’m helpful that way. You can thank me later.

There are many places here in Austin in which one may gain important insights. Chief among them is, of course, the men’s bathroom wall at the Texas Chili Parlor.

That’s where you can find what you seem to be most in need of these days, the problem-solving flow chart.

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And with one simple heart-felt act…

this man has already done more to lower the price of gas than President George W. Bush has. Not that it’ll do any good, but at least one of them tried.

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The mayor faces no stiff competition for re-erection

A friend who spends significant time in other countries (Louisiana, for example) says that in some areas, graft and corruption is so rampant they’ve given up on cleaning things up. Instead, they have learned to funnel it in more constructive ways.

For example, those living in a town in need of paved streets might opt to elect the local concrete guy to be the mayor, who then promptly awards all the street construction projects to himself. A couple of years down the line, the village has what it wanted, and so does the mayor. Everybody’s happy.

But not as happy as the men of the village of Lo Prado, Chile. They went and elected themselves a medical doctor as their mayor, and now all the men over 60 years old will get free Viagra.

In the next election, will the women of Lo Prado turn out in record numbers and elect the local distributor for pepper spray and mace?

UPDATE: now the world’s most important news source is weighing in on this as well.

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Republicans are getting impatient…

…and think perhaps our Democratic primary process has gone on too long. (not safe for work, unless you work in a way cool place)

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Legislative Update on Public Schools:

It seems that a state lawmaker from one of the 49 meaningless states has resigned in disgrace after accidentally flashing a digital photo of a topless woman, who isn’t his wife, during a Powerpoint presentation to a high school government class. Apparently the photo made its way onto a flash drive he brought with him to the class.

The lesson to Texas legislators is so obvious it’s almost not worth mentioning, but just in case you missed it somehow: whatever you do, avoid high school government classes!

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Dear Texas Legislators:

I’ve always said you guys were on the ball. Apparently, I was wrong.

It’s the Florida state legislature, not you, getting on the early train in banning the hanging of fake bull testicles from trailer hitches. Some might even say they’re well-hung from trailer hitches.

Come on people! This is one of the defining issues of our day! This is the true test(es) of leadership. You need to grow a pair. Then ban ’em!

I do, however, suggest that the Floridians are going about this all wrong. Apparently their legislation creates a $60 fine for those who persist in displaying the aforementioned bull gonads. However, as any guy knows, the most effective deterrent to displaying large testicles would instead be to require that those displaying them be forced to drive into a cold swimming pool. The offending parts would disappear immediately. Luckily, this solution has already been field-tested.

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This Just In:

Attention Mexican restaurant owners…

Be on the lookout for thick clouds of bees in a tornado pattern. If you spot such a cloud of bees, take immediate precautions. Please do not mistake this menace with other, more harmless clouds of bees in an entirely different pattern.

Special note to Texas Legislators: I suggest somebody address this problem immediately, and I mean the first day of pre-filing. There is absolutely no excuse for thick clouds of bees in a tornado pattern ravaging our most precious natural resources, which of course are El Azteca, Polvo’s, and Vivo. In fact, this probably rises to the level of a special committee at NCSL.

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Turns out the Republicans were right all along

Republicans have yammered on for years about the lack of security on the Texas border. They issue dire warnings about an invading sea of humanity. They warn that these intruders, fueled by corruption and dire economic situations back home, will infest our state, take our jobs, ruin our economy, and threaten our very way of life.

I never thought they had a point. Until now. Yikes!

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Dear Jenna Bush:

First, congratulations on your impending nuptials. I’m sure the upcoming celebration will be very nuptial-y. I hope you and the old ball and chain will have many years of happy nupping ahead of you, and that the two of you will nup like crazy for the rest of your lives.

However, the reason I’m writing today is to thank you for considering voting Democratic. I know it must have been a shock to your parents when you went on Larry King Live and went waaaaay off message, indicating that you’re not so sure about this McCain guy.

It probably comes as little surprise to Texas Democrats that you’re unwilling to toe the family line. After all, around these parts we have looked on fondly as you have grown up, always with grace and style.

So, welcome to the growing hoards of Americans with doubts about John McCain. Please let us know if there is any information we Democrats can provide which would help make you comfortable voting for our eventual nominee.

PS: enclosed, please find an American flag label pin. Apparently these things come in handy.

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Good evening, it’s July 21, 2021, and this is Nightline

Chelsea Clinton campaigned today in Madison, Wisconsin, on behalf of her mother’s extended campaign for President of the United States. Despite Senator Hillary Clinton’s unfortunate passing two years ago, Chelsea bravely marches on.

“We’re still in this!” Ms. Clinton told a small crowd of 12, at the Happy Sunset Rest Home.

Clinton explained to rally-goers that the campaign is still fighting on behalf of the descendants of voters in Florida and Michigan, states which, in 2008, defied Democratic Party rules and were not seated at the Democratic National Convention that summer in Denver, Colorado, handing the nomination, and ultimately the White House, to former President Barack Obama.

“People do not want the memory of my mother to leave this race,” Chelsea said in her remarks. “So we fight on, but not for Hillary Clinton. We fight to honor the memory of those voters whose voices have not been heard in Florida and Michigan. Yes, most of them have long since died, but their brave sacrifice cannot be forgotten,” she said.

Former President Obama, from his office at the Obama Presidential Library in Chicago, indicated that he “just doesn’t care anymore.”

“I’m tired of this. I spent 8 years in the White House, and these yapping little Clinton chihuahuas never gave me a day of peace. I’d hoped they’d let it go once I started wearing that stupid flag lapel pin, but no. Then when I led the fight to pass the universal health care bill, I thought things would calm down. Not a chance,” he said.

President Obama cited several other achievements which he had hoped would convince the Clintons to support the legitimacy of his administration, including curing cancer in 2010, the colonization of Mars in 2012, and the invention of emissions-free synthetic crude oil manufactured from dirt in 2013, which ultimately led to the reversal of global warming by the end of his Presidential tenure.

“Those damn Clintons are never happy,” Obama said. “Even me bringing global leaders together to achieve permanent world peace and ending terrorism forever didn’t do it. She just said I got lucky.”

Recent polls show that voters in all 74 states, plus the district of Iraq, favor a stand-down of Clinton’s campaign. Recent filings with the Federal Elections Commission indicate that Clinton’s campaign has a debt of $3.5 billion, with cash on hand of $13.95.

A spokesman for the estate of former Senator John McCain had no comment. McCain, as historians have pointed out, went home to Arizona after the Republican National Convention in 2008, and never returned to the campaign trail again. He instead tired of the protracted squabbling over the Democratic nomination, and opened an antique shop in Flagstaff to wait it out until the Democrats determined their nominee. He operated the shop until his retirement several years later.

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Here’s to the Little Guy…

Many Republicans hate them some labor unions and plaintiffs lawyers. I completely sympathize — if I were a Republican, I, too, would hate the folks who stand up for the little guys who get picked on by big corporations. That’s what labor unions and plaintiffs lawyers do.

Labor unions invented the weekend. And plaintiffs lawyers invented the notion that it’s not ok for a construction company to drop an anvil from 30 stories up and bean an employee in the head. I’m pretty sure that’s why “Road Runner” isn’t on Saturday morning TV anymore. Which begs the question, what good is having a weekend, if you can’t even watch Road Runner? These people really should coordinate better.

In Texas, the folks protecting the little guy do so with varying degrees of success. A lot of things stand in their way.

But you gotta hand it to Texas labor unions. You don’t see this happening around here on their watch.

And Texas’ plaintiffs lawyers must be on the ball too, because I know this sort of thing would never fly around these parts.

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Good morning class…

OK class, pay close attention to this film strip. There will be a quiz later.

For those of you who would like another point of view on this topic, Our Principal has invited Mrs. Clinton to Career Day next week. In keeping with our “Yes! You Can!” theme this year, other invitees include Danica Patrick, Tiger Woods, and Tonya Harding.

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This Just In:

They have completely run out of real news to report concerning the Presidential race.

Story highlight: Chelsea Clinton gets her ass grabbed. By another woman. During a bar crawl. A gay bar crawl.

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Dear ABC News:

Please consider this my hearty congratulations on a job very well done. The way you handled the Democratic Presidential debate the other night was almost perfect!

Oh sure, I know some whiners have complained that the debate was unfair to Senator Obama. Other malcontents are griping that there were too many commercial breaks. But most of the grouches centered their complaints on the trivial nature of the questions – a full 40 minutes worth before the first question of substance was ever asked, they claim.

Thanks for sticking to your guns!

I, as a loyal American, fully appreciate the fundamental importance of whether a candidate wears a flag lapel pin.

I also welcome the chance to listen as the candidates were forced to explain themselves on Obama’s Rev. Wright situation, and Clinton’s “Bosnia under sniper fire” episode. The ten-or-so minutes spent on these crucial issues contained far more quality information than the month’s worth of endless discussion previous to the debate. I just can’t get enough detail about those two crucial issues, so thanks.

I especially thank you for bringing up the guy Obama knows, who did something really bad when Obama was 8 years old. I found that particularly relevant to the public discourse.

While many debate-watchers continue to moan about the lack of attention during the debate to trivial issues such as food, clothing, and shelter, I think the debate focus was just right.

Well, almost.

Personally (and please don’t take this as a complaint, just a gentle suggestion), I would have preferred even more questions that get to the heart of things, similar to the gut-wrenching lapel pin issue which brought tears to my eyes.

In that spirit, here are some questions I very much hope you consider asking, in the event another debate opportunity for ABC arises:

1. Senator Obama, boxers or briefs? And, if briefs, would it be impolitic to term them “tightie whities” in this context? Come to think of it, do you consider the Clintons to be uptightie whities?

2. Senator Clinton, if an Eastbound train leaves Chicago at 9:30 am going 62 miles per hour, and a Westbound train leaves New York at 12:25 pm going 57 miles per hour on the same track, on which train would you prefer Robert Reich and Bill Richardson be at the exact time of impact?

3. Senator Obama, you have long-admitted to illegal drug use in your past; that is well-covered ground. The question is, you got anything on you right now? Stephanopoulos looks like he could use a good snort.

4. Senator Clinton, many Americans are surprised that Sox the cat endorsed your opponent. Senator, did you beat Sox? And if not, why not? Plus, how can you insinuate that Obama can’t beat McCain, if you didn’t beat Sox?

5. Senator Obama, are you willing tonight to clearly state, for the record, that you support and will contribute to a fund to buy Charlie Gibson new glasses? I mean, come on – the poor man is beginning to look like that Dumbledore guy from Harry Potter!

Respectfully, ABC, I feel that more questions such as these would get to the heart of what people are looking for in a President, so I hope you consider using some of them in the future.

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Dear Senator Obama:

I think the idea of your candidacy is really cool. You bring a refreshing excitement and persona into the race for President of the United States, and you have the strength to bring an entire new generation into the political process. For that I salute you.

That said, one little tiny piece of advice: it might be even cooler if you could avoid flipping off your opponent.

PS: If you persist in your aspiration to be a bird-flipping President, just go ahead and do it right, like George Bush does.

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