Dear Pope Benedict XVI:

Welcome to America. I'm not among your biggest fans myself, but I'm all for a foreign head of state coming to visit. I hope you have fun, see the sights, pick up some postcards and souvenirs, and maybe catch a show.

I understand you and our very own President George W. Bush are hanging out today. Fair enough. But since we Texans know a little something about President Bush, I thought I'd shoot you a note and clue you in on a few things.

First, he's got this Vice President named Dick. Avoid him. Trust me on this, they don't call him "Dick" for nothing. He's the guy in all the meetings who gets us into all the wars you don't like. He even shot a really nice guy from Austin named Harry in the face with a shotgun a couple of years ago. If Harry is on the guest list for any of the White House events in your honor, be extra nice to him, because he's had a rough time of it. On the other hand, if you find yourself seated next to Dick, don’t listen to him – he’s bad news, that one.

Another thing, President Bush is always pretending he's close to God. I'm guessing there's nobody better equipped to call him out on that bullshit than you. In fact, if you could see your way clear to working into your public comments that God's never even heard of the guy, that might go a long way toward setting the record straight.

Pope, I gotta be honest, some of us were hoping that you'd build on your predecessor's past success...you know, like continue with more of the same tone, but also maybe wake up and decide that birth control isn't a sin, at least? I mean, come on - you have to admit this seems a bit out of touch? I don’t even know where the Popemobile could stop along the highway so you can take a pee around here without you seeing a condom machine on the restroom wall at the gas station.

To tell you the truth, Pope, a lot of people aren't as comfortable with you as we are your dad (not unlike the situation with our President, actually). You just seem kind of mean sometimes. Millions of Americans think God is alright, but we also wonder whether he needs to take some bids for a new P.R. firm. so if you could soften it up a little, that might be helpful. Just a suggestion.

Anyway, don't let me keep you, I know you're busy with all that Popeing. I just thought you might want a little insight on what you're getting yourself into. Have a nice time while you're here.

PS: I bet you guys in the Vatican are having a big laugh about that porn star running for Rome city council huh? It's kind of like that here in Texas too - any moron can run for office. Remind me to tell you about some of the candidates we get sometimes. Occasionally they win too!