Chelsea Clinton campaigned today in Madison, Wisconsin, on behalf of her mother’s extended campaign for President of the United States. Despite Senator Hillary Clinton’s unfortunate passing two years ago, Chelsea bravely marches on.
“We’re still in this!” Ms. Clinton told a small crowd of 12, at the Happy Sunset Rest Home.
Clinton explained to rally-goers that the campaign is still fighting on behalf of the descendants of voters in Florida and Michigan, states which, in 2008, defied Democratic Party rules and were not seated at the Democratic National Convention that summer in Denver, Colorado, handing the nomination, and ultimately the White House, to former President Barack Obama.
“People do not want the memory of my mother to leave this race,” Chelsea said in her remarks. “So we fight on, but not for Hillary Clinton. We fight to honor the memory of those voters whose voices have not been heard in Florida and Michigan. Yes, most of them have long since died, but their brave sacrifice cannot be forgotten,” she said.
Former President Obama, from his office at the Obama Presidential Library in Chicago, indicated that he “just doesn’t care anymore.”
“I’m tired of this. I spent 8 years in the White House, and these yapping little Clinton chihuahuas never gave me a day of peace. I’d hoped they’d let it go once I started wearing that stupid flag lapel pin, but no. Then when I led the fight to pass the universal health care bill, I thought things would calm down. Not a chance,” he said.
President Obama cited several other achievements which he had hoped would convince the Clintons to support the legitimacy of his administration, including curing cancer in 2010, the colonization of Mars in 2012, and the invention of emissions-free synthetic crude oil manufactured from dirt in 2013, which ultimately led to the reversal of global warming by the end of his Presidential tenure.
“Those damn Clintons are never happy,” Obama said. “Even me bringing global leaders together to achieve permanent world peace and ending terrorism forever didn’t do it. She just said I got lucky.”
Recent polls show that voters in all 74 states, plus the district of Iraq, favor a stand-down of Clinton’s campaign. Recent filings with the Federal Elections Commission indicate that Clinton’s campaign has a debt of $3.5 billion, with cash on hand of $13.95.
A spokesman for the estate of former Senator John McCain had no comment. McCain, as historians have pointed out, went home to Arizona after the Republican National Convention in 2008, and never returned to the campaign trail again. He instead tired of the protracted squabbling over the Democratic nomination, and opened an antique shop in Flagstaff to wait it out until the Democrats determined their nominee. He operated the shop until his retirement several years later.