Archive | July, 2008

All units be on the lookout…

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Obama invades Germany, completing downfall of once-powerful nation

It’s been a while since we’ve visited the good ol’ boys from Red State Update. This time, besides trying to sell really cheesy CD’s, they’re poking fun at Obama in Germany.

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Tired of the schmucks who run for office??

Well too damn bad, because there’s always room for one more.

Yep, he’s apparently a real candidate.

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Your faithful correspondent in the news…

Apparently, I just can’t get along.

Today’s evidence includes me on Austin TV being mean to Ralph Nader (sorry, one cannot embed News8Austin’s video elsewhere, for some strange reason that I SURE WISH THEY’D FIGURE OUT).

Next is an audio podcast from the Houston Chronicle in which I (and CNN) don’t quite agree with Congressman Mike McCaul, and McCaul’s spokesman (and my old friend) Mike Rosen (go Bellaire! Westbury sux!) seems to disagree with me. Go figure.

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Is McCaul re-importing possible terrorists into the U.S.?

Yep, that headline is misleading. And I’m mighty darn proud of it, now that I’ve finally learned a lesson from Fox News Network, which is that if you put an outrageous statement in the form of a question, you need not take any responsibility for it.

There have also been more than few outrageous statements thrown around lately by Congressman Mike McCaul and his team. So I’ve learned a lesson from McCaul too: when CNN debunks the claims you make in Plan A, move to Plan B. Which, incidentally, conflicts with Plan A.

Let’s back up.

Lately, McCaul has been agressively patting himself on the back, through news releases, broadcast news interviews, music, poetry, and interpretive dance, for “rescuing” two American children from an overseas school. Except that the children themselves say they didn’t need rescuing, and the children’s own father in Atlanta agrees, explaining that McCaul never contacted him to see if anybody needed rescuing.

Sunday night, CNN upped the ante. In a news story debunking virtually all of McCaul’s claims, it was discovered that McCaul’s own U.S. Department of State says there’s nothing wrong with the school these children were attending, and that there was no evidence that anybody was being held against their will. The documentary film maker, whose work McCaul has been propping himself up with, even told CNN that he’s going back to correct the inaccuracies in his own work. Turns out claims made both in the documentary and repeated by McCaul, that Bin Laden spoke at the school, are wrong. They got the wrong school. Following the CNN story, newspapers in the district are revisting the issue as well.

So yesterday McCaul’s crack team (and by that I mean “team on crack”) jumped into action, and sharpened their already-existing message implying that schools such as the one the two American kids were attending are training children to be terrorists.

Then, unbelievably, they said it’s not really about the kids anyway. Let me just paraphrase what they would now have us believe:

“you know those kids I’ve been bragging about for weeks that I rescued? The ones I saved? The ones I want you, the anything-believing public, to believe are so important that I flew halfway around the world to advocate for? Yeah, them. Well, now that those kids, their father, CNN, and the U.S. Department of State all say I’m wrong about them, let me just freshly share my new opinion that it’s not really about them anyway.”

Sheesh. McCaul must have whiplash from that abrupt about-face.

So, just to review: McCaul says American kids are being held against their will. McCaul implies they might be training the kids to be terrorists. McCaul then takes credit for getting the kids back into the United States. Thus the question in the headline, did McCaul re-import possible terrorists into the United States?

Yes, those are ridiculous conclusions, which follow from inaccurate claims. McCaul should stop making them.

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Attention citizens of the Greater Houston area:

Be on the lookout for a 20-something man, mustached, previously seen hanging out near beaches.

Especially be on the lookout for this man if you’re a police officer.

Especially be on the lookout for this man if you’re a police officer who doesn’t want to get your faced licked.

Key quote: “We encourage people not to lick our police officers.”

Sage advice indeed.

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Dear Mike McCaul:

You are soooo freakin’ McBusted. Here. And here. And even here. And CNN got the story first, which is here.

In fact, today might be a day during which alot of folks decide to contribute to Larry Joe Doherty. Jus’ sayin’.

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Another Dick Cheney-like moment in history

This time, in Australia.

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Weekly poll wrap-up

Last week’s poll was “the plane goes down, and you’re stuck on a desert island with one other person, a full week away from rescue. Who would you choose?”

A whopping 47% picked David Dewhurst, with Rick Perry coming in second at 30%, and Tom Craddick and Tom DeLay bringing up the rear at 11% apiece.

Several things this could mean. Maybe readers here just like David Dewhurst, or at least dislike him the least. Maybe readers here like tall skinny calf ropers who give speeches while using odd hand motions. Maybe it gets readers kind of hot when they hear the words, “members, the president’s desk is clear.” Maybe readers here think Rick Perry would, in one week, put the whole island out for bids, take money from a foreign corporation to control it, they’d pave the whole thing over, then charge readers a high price to stay on it while awaiting rescue. Maybe readers here sensed that after an entire week without access to hair care products, Perry would morph into something quite scary, resembling the decaying corpse of Yoda.

There’s no question that readers here aren’t fond of anybody named “Tom.”

Los dos Tomas ain’t feeling no lurve. At least I understand why few people want to hang out for a week alone on an island with Tom Craddick. I think we’ve all seen from experience that Craddick has a lot of trouble putting a face together with a name, and even after a solid week together, he probably wouldn’t recognize you. I mean, come on – he hardly ever recognizes anybody, muttering something about “rule 4” as his excuse. As for DeLay – I’m sure nobody wants “delay” to be part of the equation, while anxious to be rescued from the island. A week is more than enough time. Plus, the full week would give DeLay time enough to divide the island into several districts, none of which are winnable by anybody except DeLay.

This week’s poll is on top of the right hand sidebar. As always, vote on it there, and comment on it here.

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If only Hillary had known…

The video of Obama in Berlin is well worth a look no matter what, but almost exactly one minute into it, some guy in the audience becomes the first I’ve seen to almost get Obama off his game, with an enthusiastic, yet blood-curdling battle cry from stage right. Apparently, Obama’s fan is a goat herder himself.

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Bush versus Batman

Not even from the cool new Batman movie, but from the cheesy 1960’s TV series, people are asked to guess whether various quotes were said by George W. Bush, or by Batman. The results are hilarious.


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Magazine cover artists.

They’re such kidders.

View it larger to get the full effect of the Constitution burning in the fireplace, Cindy’s pill collection, and the portrait of W on the mantle.

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Dear Harvey Kronberg:

As I write this, your usually excellent yet overpriced website is down, and in its place, the following:

Due to an internet wide assault, we have shut down Quorum Report’s servers.

Watch your emails for notification of when we are back up.

All I have to say is…what a wuss. What are you, French??

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Dear Texas political protesters:

Frankly, you people suck. If you had any imagination at all, you would do like the Brits do, and try gluing yourselves to famous people. That’d do the trick.

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Dear East Texas Rednecks:

Another one of you has escaped, this time to Indiana.

Key quote: “It wasn’t the first time I performed the ritual, but it was the first time I put a sword through my foot.”

Also, please note that yet another one of you escaped through Poland to London.

Key quote, and further proof that the victim was an East Texas redneck: “…the man was in Britain in an attempt to improve his English.”

Please review your security measures before this happens again.

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