Hello high school home schoolers for Jesus! This is your youth minister speaking.
I’m God-awful sorry that the big assault rifle give-away fell through at the last retreat. God works in mysterious ways, and I’m sure he’ll make it up to you.
But, good news! At the retreat next month, we’ve giving away a lovely gift basket to the 9th grader who can recite the most Bible verses from the book of Leviticus. The basket, generously donated by Deacon Cletus Snurd (who, as you know, also runs a perfectly respectable local dog fighting operation, God bless him), includes a switchblade knife, a pair of Chuck Norris commemorative nunchucks, and several taster bottles of Jose Cuervo communion juice, just to get the party going.
But that’s not all! The runner-up, awarded to the camper who can recite the entirety of the Sermon on the Mount, will be awarded a pistol, a ski mask, and a list of area convenience stores! We’re very grateful to church Elder Bubba Kaboodle for the contribution of this award.
As a scheduling note, please don’t forget that next Tuesday is our “Abortion is a Sin – Every Life is Sacred” letter-writing meet up, and that next Thursday is the always-popular “Expand the Death Penalty – Include More Crimes, Including Parking Violations” rally.
Also, before next Sunday night’s youth service, please don’t forget to have your parents sign your permission slips, so you can be sure not to miss the “God said Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve” field trip. Now, I know things got a little rough last year, but let me assure you, there was simply no way for me to know there was even such a thing as the Oklahoma Association of Gay Martial Arts Enthusiasts, or that they’d be holding their annual meeting that weekend. But never fear, Assistant Pastor Byron Twinkmeister and I just got back from an advance trip to the Big City last weekend, and are confident that we have scouted out several new promising locations which will provide plenty of sinners to whom we can spread the gospel. In fact, at one point while we were there, Pastor Twinkmeister was gone for hours, and when he came back he seemed exhausted from all the advance work he did!
Also, don’t forget that services are canceled on the Sunday after next, as it’s opening day of deer season.
Yours in Christ, Oklahoma, NASCAR, and Killin’ Commies,
The Youth Group Minister
PS: it has once again come to my attention that several of the youth group girls have once again been violating the church service dress code. Really, it’s not that complicated – if you wear a halter top to church, we simply cannot allow sequins. Unless, of course, the sequins are in the outline of a tasteful yet elegant rebel flag. This is your last warning.