In Texas, if Earl hadn't had to die, Wanda would STILL be married to him

Some of the policy positions conservatives take truly puzzle me.

On the one hand, a classic cornerstone of conservative philosophy is that they say they want to keep government out of people's lives. And truth be told, every time I'm careening down Interstate 10 during trips to and from Big Bend and see those flashing lights in my rear view mirror, I begin to see their point.

But for a group of folks who claim to want to keep government out of our lives, they sure seem to support a lot of policy putting government into our lives.

The latest is a report that Texas state representative Warren Chisum intends to once again file legislation requiring a two year waiting period before a couple can get a divorce.

For reasons which have never been clear to me, I actually like Chisum. While we would undoubtedly agree on very little, his sincerity for his beliefs oozes through every pore, and he doesn't get too wrapped up in the legislative game-playing with which other members seem afflicted. Plus, without Chisum the Texas House would have never had the infamous floor debate between him and Debra Danburg regarding an amendment making sodomy illegal, which got so raunchy that Comedy Central would have had to censor it. Sadly, I cannot find the transcript for that debate anywhere on the interwebs, but trust me on this (key quote I remember: "Representative Chisum, what if it slips??!").

As an avowed non-conservative, I must admit confusion as to why the government ever got into the marriage business in the first place, since the institution is fundamentally borne of various religions. I suppose since it's always been a function of governments to keep the official records, it was a natural progression to require that marriages be recorded by governments. And since it's also a function of governments to charge fees for services, it was only a matter of time before couples had to pay the government to get married.

After that, of course, governments do what they do best: take over. They begin to regulate an intensely personal institution, borne of religions, not governments. Last legislative session in Texas, they doubled the marriage license fee, then waived the increase if the couple agreed to take marriage counseling. That was Chisum's legislation too.

What's next, governments telling you who you can marry? Oh wait - Texas already did that too. They put it right in the state constitution - no gay people allowed.

One of the most amusing things Kinky Friedman is fond of saying is that he supports gay marriage, because he wants gay people to be as miserable as the rest of us. The Texas Legislature doesn't agree.

So, to review: conservatives want government to stay out of people's lives. Except they only want you to marry somebody on their approved list. Then they want you to take their classes prior to the wedding, to ensure you have the kind of relationship they approve of. Then, when things don't work out (even if it's because Earl started beating Wanda) they want you to wait two years before they'll let you out. In between, if the woman gets pregnant, they want the government in the room as she makes her decision on how to react to that - a room previously reserved for the woman, her family, her doctor, and her God.

I sure am glad we have conservatives around to make sure things with government don't get out of hand. I feel better already. I mean, assuming that's ok with the government.