Olympic highlights for far

Letters from Texas Worldwide Headquarters has been keeping an eye on the Olympics, so you, the Olympics-hating public, don't have to.

Highlights so far include:

-- the team from Austria got really confused and mistakenly brought their downhill slalom team, all of whom promptly collapsed from heat exhaustion during the opening ceremonies.

-- a long distance runner from Ghana lost ten bucks in a bar bet while drinking with athletes from other countries, mistakenly thinking "Fiji" was sort of a palindrome for "Egypt," if you squint your eyes just right.

-- an over-zealous member of the North Korean team tried to sodomize a hapless South Korean athlete with the Olympic torch.

-- attempting to extract evil-doing steroid abusers from the games, American President George W. Bush first claimed that the evil-doing steroid abusers were among the athletes from Afghanistan, and during the opening ceremonies sent a squad of commandos in to capture them. He then changed his mind, claimed there were massive stores of steroids being hidden by the team from Iraq, and moved most of the commandos there instead. Meanwhile, the steroid abusers still in Afghanistan migrated into the Pakistan team's area, where the Pakistani athletes mostly just pretended to look for them. Bush, meanwhile, moved many suspicious-looking Iraqi team members to an undisclosed location within the Cuban team, and had the American boxing and swim teams work out a brand new sport to train them in. Nothing measurable was accomplished, except that somehow Halliburton made a lot of money, and taxi drivers in New York became even crankier.

-- Chinese organizers paid off the catering staff to put "you're gonna lose your ass, sucker" as the fortune in every single fortune cookie for all foreign teams.

-- France surrendered.

--fearful of screwing up their routine, when one swimmer on the synchronized swimming team of The Netherlands tragically drowned, the entire rest of the team decided to drown too.

-- the Americans on the beach volleyball team all passed their steroid testing, only to be foiled when the International Olympic Committee unexpectedly performed cannabis testing on the bong the team left on the coffee table in the dorm. "Dude!" one was heard saying in reaction. "I thought Beijing was supposed to be, like, chill," another added, while setting a new land speed record for eating an entire bag of potato chips.

-- in an unfortunate communications snafu, a crack security team covering the skeet and trap competitions killed or wounded nearly everybody there, when they keenly observed many people seemed to be heavily armed.

This has been your Letters From Texas Worldwide Headquarters Olympics update, live from Beijing.