Archive | November, 2008

Letters From Texas Holiday Gift Guide, Part II

Here’s Part I

You know the drill – this crap ain’t gonna put itself under the tree. Lets get to it:

For Pro-life Texas Legislators: So many of them believe that life begins at conception. Based on their votes to cut childrens health insurance, siphon money out of public schools, make a college education less accessible, and expand the death penalty to include parking violations, many of them also think life ends at birth. Those inconvenient details aside, what better way to note their courageous stand to end a woman’s right to control her own decisions than the fetus cookie cutter?

For New Parents: the true spirit of Christmas lives in the hearts of children. What better way to mark that special time of year than to give the gift that keeps on giving, the soon-to-be-bestselling book, “How To Traumatize Your Children.” For the narcissistic parent on your Christmas list, this book is the perfect guide to having a dysfunctional family! It includes chapters such as “Imagination is an Unaffordable Luxury,” “Your Child’s Cues and Needs: Ignore Them,” and “Push Them Now, Before It’s Too Late.”

For Pet Lovers: Nothing says “Christmas gift for somebody who almost didn’t make my list” like a calendar, so for the animal lovers on your list, don’t miss out on the 2009 Dog Poop Calendar. I don’t even know what else to say about a photographer this bored.

This has been your Letters From Texas Holiday Gift Guide, Part II. Now that you’ve got the goods for your friends’ Christmas stocking, stuff it!

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FUBAR-Cam Update

We here at Letters From Texas Worldwide Headquarters are all about passing the savings onto you, the crap-reading public. This is especially important as the Christmas shopping season gets underway.

It is in that spirit that we ran across an amazing sale, and wanted to share the news immediately! We’re not exactly sure about the quality of this location’s products, but at 90% off, what could go wrong?

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Happy Thanksgiving!

There is much to be thankful for this year; I know I certainly am.

As you travel to wherever you’re going to celebrate with your loved ones, have fun and be careful. But whatever you do, make sure to avail yourself of the latest technologies to avoid getting lost on the road.

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We are very near the end of civilization as we know it.

And here’s evidence:

First, a dog shot a guy. In the ass.

Also, some dude plans to fly over a canyon using a jet pack fueled by hydrogen peroxide (he’s probably from East Texas, and in the casket at his funeral will be a guy with very blond hair).

And finally, a 13-year-old boy has been arrested in Florida for passing gas. I’m guessing the boy’s defense team will be calling as witnesses…all 13-year-old boys everywhere.

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Letters From Texas Holiday Gift Guide, Part 1

Yes, it’s that time of year again. ‘Tis the season, and all that.

What better way to celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus than to max out your credit cards buying crap for your friends and loved ones that they would never bother to purchase for themselves? If that’s not the spirit of Christmas, I don’t know what is.

It is in that enthusiastic holiday spirit that Letters From Texas Worldwide Headquarters, Red Nose Reindeer Division, brings you The Letters From Texas Holiday Gift Guide. Because, after all, nobody wants to miss those after-thanksgiving sales, so one can’t start planning too early.

So, lets get on with it, shall we? This stuff ain’t gonna put itself under the tree.

For the gardener who has everything, we suggest the ever-popular zombie yard art sculpture. This will also probably work for people who can’t seem to keep the neighborhood kids off their lawn.

For the recently-single woman, one might opt to purchase the Boyfriend Arm Pillow. If this turns out to be a big seller, maybe the distributor will also offer such accessories as the “boyfriend leaves his dirty socks and underwear on the floor,” the “boyfriend never loads the dishwasher,” and the “where the hell is the boyfriend when the garbage needs to be taken out” optional accessories.

For Grandma and Grandpa, are the same old tired gifts boring them? Well why not give them something they can really use – something to really get them going, when they can’t seem to go? Yes, we’re talking about the new vibrating toilet seat, which is sure to get the oldsters right down to business.

For the political animal in your family, the choice this year is obvious: the Obama Yes We Can Opener. This is an even better gift for the beer-guzzling political animal in your family, which is by definition the one who will most embarrass you later this week at Thanksgiving dinner.

And finally, for those of you living in East Texas, or if you know somebody who hasn’t escaped from there yet, this informative book might save their life! If they can read, that is. And if you don’t think that book will interest the East Texan in your life, perhaps this one will.

This has been your Letters From Texas Holiday Gift Guide, Part 1.

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Weekly Poll Wrap-Up

We have a tie! And we also had a record number of poll voters, 76.

The poll question was “complete the following sentence: one year from now, Sarah Palin will be doing….”

Tying for first place with 33 percent apiece were two choices: Sarah Palin will be doing Dancing With The Stars and Sarah Palin will be doing Rick Perry. Does that mean Sarah Palin will be doing Rick Perry on Dancing With The Stars?

In second place with 13 percent, Sarah Palin will be doing a Playboy centerfold. This may mean that poll voters would rather Perry see Palin naked than see her naked themselves. Can’t say I blame you there.

And coming in last place with 10 percent, Sarah Palin will be doing two years probation for shoplifting expensive clothes.

Thanks to Whiskeydent for the poll idea. Have a poll idea of your own? Email me with it.

The next weekly poll will be at the top of the right hand sidebar soon.

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Obama is Toast!

For those Republicans among you who had hoped that Obama would be toast, now he is.

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Dear Voters of San Francisco:

Lost in the irrational exuberance of election night’s meaningless trivial matters, such as electing an inspiring new leader to repair the global damage done by The Worst President Ever, the truly important stuff has been ignored.

And of course when I say “truly important stuff,” I mean Proposition R in San Francisco, the crucially-important measure which would have re-named a local sewage treatment plant after George W. Bush. If Bush deserves to have anything named after him, this was certainly the thing.

Sadly, San Francisco voters were duped, and the referendum went down in flames. With all due respect, San Francisco voters, you’re a bunch of wusses. We were counting on you. You’re dead to me now.

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Dear Texas Legislators:

There are two very good reasons why you should strongly consider passing the so-called “medical marijuana” legislation this session:

1. State Representative Elliott Naishtat has worked very hard for years to try to relieve the suffering of those Texans who are ill and who would greatly benefit; and

2. I forgot the other reason.

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Attention East Texans

Yet another of you has escaped, this time to Australia. Please increase your border security measures immediately.

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Deer Texas Lobbyists:

Be on the lookout. This could be a multi-state ring. You have been warned.

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Dear Texas House Members:

Regarding the looming race for Texas House Speaker, I thought a few words of advice would be appropriate. I know you must be grateful; you can thank me later.

First, I have closely studied Phillip Martin’s excellent analysis over on Burnt Orange Report, and after careful consideration I have expertly concluded that there is no way Tom Craddick can remain as Speaker.

Second, I have closely studied Paul Burka’s excellent analysis over on Texas Monthly’s BurkaBlog, and after careful consideration I have expertly concluded that there is no way Tom Craddick can be defeated as Speaker.

But most importantly, Letters From Texas Worldwide Headquarters, Skulduggery Division, has exclusively obtained a short film about speaker’s races from the 1950’s. Shockingly, it is just as relevant today as it was 50 years ago. Pay close attention. There will be a quiz on this later.

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And how was YOUR weekend?

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Desperate Cries for Help Your Faithful Correspondent in the News

News8Austin did a feature on newly minted Senator-elect Wendy Davis from Fort Worth. I happened to be sitting on a park bench near the South steps of the Capitol, hoping a camera crew would wander by.

KVUE-TV recently did a story about the possibility of Texans going into the Obama administration. I happened to be hanging out in a downtown park, hoping a camera crew would wander by.

And News8Austin, again, did a late night post-election wrap up piece. I happened to be hanging out on the roof of a downtown Austin building, hoping an entire election night news set would be constructed and a news crew would materialize. If you click on the link, they usually make you sit through a commercial first.

Until recently I missed a piece in the Dallas Observer from just before the election in which I was quoted indicating that Democrats will net a few seats in the Texas House, and Republican consultant Eric Bearse said Republicans would pick up a few. Nice try, bucko.

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Do what Kirk Watson says, or he’ll take your ass out

First, watch this…

Now go here to contribute to Chris Bell to put him in the Texas Senate.

And finally, send an email today to 20 of your friends linking to this page so they can do the same thing.

If you don’t, Senator Watson will know. Really. Don’t take the chance.

(pol. ad. paid for by the committee to keep you safe and in one piece, Vinnie from The Bronx, Treasurer)

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