How to Watch a Presidential Election Unfold on Election Night

As a public service to you, the crap-reading public, Letters From Texas Worldwide Headquarters, Electoral College Division, proudly presents these tips for watching Presidential election returns come in.

First, and above all, do not go through this process completely sober. McCain and Obama aren’t, why should you? Drink heavily – some of you are about to be very disappointed, and will need to drown your sorrows. Most of you will be ecstatically happy, and you’ll want to be in a celebratory mood. Either way, bust out the booze.

Now onto the meat of the issue.

The networks will call various states for one of the candidates as soon as they can. If exit polling plows a clear enough mathematical path, they’ll do so immediately after the last polls close in a state. Therefore, the poll closing schedule becomes crucial. (all the following times are in Central Time – local to most of Texas)

6 p.m. Central Time
Polls close in Georgia, Indiana, and Virginia. McCain should carry Georgia. If he doesn’t, it could be early indication of a very bad night for Republicans. Virginia is leaning Obama, barely. If Obama takes it by more than a point or two, watch out – it could indicate that Obama has also carried North Carolina. If Obama fails to carry Virginia, it could be an early indication that you’re staying up later than you thought – slow down on your drinking. If Obama is ahead in Indiana, which has been voting Republican in past Presidential elections, that’s an early and bad canary-in-the-mineshaft sign for McCain – pick up the pace on your drinking.

6:30 p.m. Central Time
Polls close in Ohio, North Carolina, and West Virginia. If Ohio and North Carolina split, it might be a longer night. If Obama carries both, down another drink quickly, you probably won’t be up very late. You might also glance at West Virginia, which McCain should carry. If he doesn’t, he’s in deep trouble.

7:00 p.m. Central Time
The last polls close in the Florida panhandle, and in New Hampshire, Missouri, and Pennsylvania. In the off-chance that McCain wins New Hampshire, and doesn’t lose Florida, Obama supporters are in for a long night, slow down on the drinking. On the other hand, if Obama carries Missouri, especially by more than a squeak, order your next round with a little less water and a little more scotch.

Also, please note that contrary to popular belief, the last polls in Texas do not close at 7 p.m., they close at 8 because El Paso is in the Mountain Time Zone. However, sometimes the networks jump the gun, so they may call Texas for McCain at 7 instead of 8. Because, sheesh, it’s just El Paso.

8 p.m. Central Time
By now most results from the East Coast and Midwest will be pouring in. If all the likely blue states in those regions, plus Pennsylvania, North Carolina, and Florida can now be called for Obama, you can probably safely call the entire race for Obama. But if Obama loses Florida, he’ll need Ohio more urgently. If he loses that too, then you better drink heavily and pray for New Mexico, Colorado, and Nevada. New Mexico and Colorado’s polls also close now, but you might need to wait a while for either of those states to be called, especially New Mexico. Drink up. You might also glance at Arizona now, because their polls close as well. McCain should win it, but if he doesn’t, it will be a total embarrassment for him.

9 p.m. Central Time
Polls close in Nevada and Iowa. You’re trying to pay attention to Nevada, but you’re drunk. McCain is still holding out desperate hope that he might carry Iowa despite his poor showing in the polls, because he needs it. He won’t carry it, but pay attention to the point spread if by now the electoral vote count is still close – it might indicate something about left coast states. I frankly doubt it, but I’m trying to give you people something to do while you drink.

10 p.m. Central Time
Polls close in California, which Obama will carry, and if he hasn’t already won, that state’s mighty 55 electoral votes will officially carry him over the top, exceeding 270. You’re probably already passed out, and even if you’re not, you won’t remember it later. Also, try to keep the drunk text messages to a minimum.

Comments

comments

9 Responses to How to Watch a Presidential Election Unfold on Election Night

  1. FUBAR November 2, 2008 at 7:46 pm #

    Phil, that’s fine for what it is, but it sheds absolutely no light on the accompanying alcohol consumption.

  2. Your Friend FancyPants November 2, 2008 at 11:55 pm #

    E-day isn’t E-day without some sort of drunk text message floating around. I fully intend to exercise my right to drink (liberally) and try to hold meaningful conversation…

  3. Pete November 3, 2008 at 5:05 am #

    My plan was to just get drunk about 5:30, pass out, and read about the election sometime around noon on Wednesday. Is that OK?

  4. FUBAR November 3, 2008 at 6:03 am #

    Pete, as long as you’ve already voted before implementing that plan, I think, because this is America – the land of the free and the brave, that you can do any little thing that blows your skirt up. More power to ya.

  5. Don't Mess w/ Pink November 3, 2008 at 9:24 pm #

    Quite the astute analysis, fubar. I shall print it out and keep it handy, so as to properly pace my drinking. I cannot tell you how greatful I am.

  6. Bridget November 3, 2008 at 10:10 pm #

    Because I live in Kentucky I’ll adjust the times to eastern for poll-closings – - but I think I’ll pretend the times are already eastern for drinking… Speaking of Kentucky, polls here actually close first, 5pm Central. Shouldn’t we start drinking then?? If so, then I’m not sure how much to drink, depending on the outcome of the McConnell/Lunsford contest. Please advise.

  7. FUBAR November 3, 2008 at 10:24 pm #

    Bridget – You live in Kentucky. That’s reason enough to start drinking NOW. Don’t worry about the election night schedule. If I were you I’d get a copy of the bus schedule and GTF out.

  8. Bridget November 3, 2008 at 11:58 pm #

    HAHA! Hmm, very appealing!! (She said as she cracked her first election-eve beer) But for the record, I do live in the little solid blue spot…
    http://www.nytimes.com/imagepages/2008/11/03/us/20081103_HOUSE_GRAPHIC.html
    Kinda like Austin is to Texas, albeit considerably less hip.

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