Letters From Texas Holiday Gift Guide, Part 1

Yes, it's that time of year again. 'Tis the season, and all that.

What better way to celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus than to max out your credit cards buying crap for your friends and loved ones that they would never bother to purchase for themselves? If that's not the spirit of Christmas, I don't know what is.

It is in that enthusiastic holiday spirit that Letters From Texas Worldwide Headquarters, Red Nose Reindeer Division, brings you The Letters From Texas Holiday Gift Guide. Because, after all, nobody wants to miss those after-thanksgiving sales, so one can't start planning too early.

So, lets get on with it, shall we? This stuff ain't gonna put itself under the tree.

For the gardener who has everything, we suggest the ever-popular zombie yard art sculpture. This will also probably work for people who can't seem to keep the neighborhood kids off their lawn.

For the recently-single woman, one might opt to purchase the Boyfriend Arm Pillow. If this turns out to be a big seller, maybe the distributor will also offer such accessories as the "boyfriend leaves his dirty socks and underwear on the floor," the "boyfriend never loads the dishwasher," and the "where the hell is the boyfriend when the garbage needs to be taken out" optional accessories.

For Grandma and Grandpa, are the same old tired gifts boring them? Well why not give them something they can really use - something to really get them going, when they can't seem to go? Yes, we're talking about the new vibrating toilet seat, which is sure to get the oldsters right down to business.

For the political animal in your family, the choice this year is obvious: the Obama Yes We Can Opener. This is an even better gift for the beer-guzzling political animal in your family, which is by definition the one who will most embarrass you later this week at Thanksgiving dinner.

And finally, for those of you living in East Texas, or if you know somebody who hasn't escaped from there yet, this informative book might save their life! If they can read, that is. And if you don't think that book will interest the East Texan in your life, perhaps this one will.

This has been your Letters From Texas Holiday Gift Guide, Part 1.