Archive | December, 2008

Dear Texas House Members:

I know you must be stressed out, what with all the speakers race happenings of late. But don’t worry, even if you jump on the wrong horse, there are worse things.

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Moving Moment

In a few short days, an African-American man will move from his private residence into a much larger and infinitely more expensive one, owned not by him but by the taxpayers. A vast lawn, a perimeter fence and many well-trained security specialists will insulate him from the rest of us, but the mere fact that this man will be residing in this house should make us all stop and count our blessings – because it proves that we live in a nation where anything is possible.

Many believed this day would never come. Most of us hoped and prayed that it would, but few of us actually believed we would live to see it. Racism is an ugly thing in all of its forms, and there is little doubt that if this man had moved into this house fifteen years ago, there would have been a great outcry – possibly even rioting in the streets. Today, we can all be both grateful and proud that no such mayhem will take place when this man takes up residency in this house.

This man, moving into this house at this time in our nation’s history is much more than a simple change of address for him – it is proof of a change in our attitude as a nation. It is an amends of sorts – the righting of a great wrong. It is a symbol of our growth, and of our willingness to “judge a man not by the color of his skin, but by the content of his character.”

There can be little doubt now that the vast majority of us truly believe that this man has earned both his place in history and his new address. His time in this house will not be easy – it will be fraught with danger and he will face many challenges. I am sure there will be many times when he asks himself how in the world he ended up here, and like all who have gone before him, the experience will age him greatly.

But I, for one, will not waste an ounce of worry for his sake – because in every way a man can, he asked for this. His whole life for the past fifteen years appears to have been inexorably leading this man toward this house. It is highly probable that in the past, despite all of his actions, racism would have kept this man out of this house.

Today, I am proud that I am an American, and that I live in a nation where wrongs are righted, where justice matters and where truly anything is possible.

(and I’m totally annoyed with myself for not thinking of this, but alas, this comes to you via a brilliant post on Craigslist)

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Rarely is the question asked, “is our voters learning?”

Somebody in the incoming Obama administration is going to have to quickly learn how to mangle stuff up, or we as a nation will be completely bored. Meanwhile, here’s one last (un)fond look at the last eight years worth of decider-ing and strategerizing.

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Tragedy strikes in Fort Worth

Now the evil-doers have just gone too far.

This should be taken up as an emergency item when the Texas Legislature convenes next month.

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Texas Mouthy Burpablog


Posted by paulburpa at 3:05 pm

First let me start by saying that Obama is toast. He’ll never win the election. Also, I’ve accepted George W. Bush as my personal savior. He’s just misunderstood.

But I digress. This post is about the speakers race. And by that I mean the speakers race that Craddick cannot possibly lose. Unless he fails to win.

You see, unless you’re me, The Great Paul Burpa, you really have no understanding of anything. Lucky for you, I’m here to explain it to you. You and those damn kid bloggers.

It’s very simple really. Listen carefully. Tom Craddick is the speaker right now.

However, if you take Jim Pitts, and subtract him from the square root of the sum of Edmund Kuempel, Brian McCall, and Senfronia Thompson; then add Burt Solomons, Byron Cook, Delwin Jones, Tommy Merritt, and Jim Dunnam; you have a winning combination.

Unless you don’t, which then means it’s Thursday, and/or you’re in the Mountain Central Time zone, in which case you would subtract Delwin Jones from the total, and instead add in half of the sum of Terry Keel, Kelly Fero, and that lobbyist dude who always stands outside the House floor but who never seems to have any clients. No, wait, you still don’t yet have 76 votes. Unless you do.

What you end up with in this case is a cross between Glen Maxey the time he argued in favor of everybody voting for the resolution picking on gay people somehow, and Debra Danburg and Warren Chisum the time they debated anal sex on the House floor for an hour. Not that either has anything to do with a speaker’s race, but both cases, plus the occassional Garnet Coleman ass-kicking of some random Republican (immediately denied by all involved, to all who witnessed it), represent the rare fully-awake moments I’ve experienced on the House floor for the last 20 years.

But back to the speaker’s race, and the uncanny ability of me, The Great Paul Burpa, to explain it to you. Unless I can’t.

So essentially, if you do the above-described math, it is clear that there is going to indeed be a winner. And there you have it.

What, you thought I’d tell you who the winner would be? Are you nuts? Why would you think I, The Great Paul Burpa, cover breaking political news while perched on top of a monthly travel magazine? So I can tell the likes o’ you? Think again bucko.

Oh no, I shall instead merely inform you that I know exactly what will happen. And you would know too, if you were as smart as The Great Paul Burpa. Rest assured that I will be explaining in depth after it is all over the precise reason it happened, and that I knew all along that the outcome was inevitable. Unless I don’t.

I’m pleased to have clarified the situation for you. Stay tuned next week when I, The Great Paul Burpa, will explain the precise reasoning behind my theory that Harvey Kronberg can kiss my ass. Unless he can’t.

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Remember all those times you weaseled out of jury duty?

You screwed up.

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Well, for one thing…

…January 20th is going to be one hell of a bad-ass “take your daughters to work” day.

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Weekly Poll Wrap-Up

The weekly poll question was “how will George W. Bush most likely spend his final days in office?”

Of course, when the poll appeared last weekend, we had no way to know that what Our Only President Right Now would actually be doing is dodging flying shoes. But hey, we did the best we could.

Coming in first place with 39% was “pardoning Dick Cheney and Karl Rove in advance.”

In second with 34% was “Wondering where it all went wrong, while pretending to give a damn.”

Trailing with 18% was “being the decider on which Dr. Suess books will be included in the Presidential library,” and in last place at 7% was “starting the rough outline of his book, working title: ‘Guantanamo? What Guantanamo?’”

The weekly poll will make its triumphant return after Christmas, or maybe after new years, or whenever I get around to it.

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Last minute Christmas gift ideas

People, stop procrastinating. It’s time to finish that Christmas shopping!

Previously, Letters From Texas Worldwide Headquarters, Red Nose Reindeer Division, has shared Christmas gift ideas. They’re here and here.

But for those last minute stocking stuffers, here are a few more:

New, from the people who bring you the Whopper, is the BK beef-scented body spray. Personally I think David Dewhurst would be well-served spraying some all over Dan Patrick just before the Texas Senate takes that early-session field trip to the dog pound.

And what household would be complete without an electronic yodelling pickle? I, for one, am sick and tired of trying to train my own pickles to yodel – now you can purchase one pre-trained.

And since the true spirit of Christmas is all about office supplies, how about a nose pencil sharpener for your co-worker? Especially the co-worker with the big nose.

And finally, for the religiously confused among your friends, there is simply no better gift than the Santa dreidel.

This has been your Letters From Texas last-minute Christmas gift guide.

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What we have here is a complete disrespect for the law.

Recent news stories that just can’t be improved upon:

A judge is sentencing noise ordinance violators to listen to Barry Manilow.

A robber in the middle of a home invasion took a shotgun and very promptly blew his foot off. (East Texan alert?)

And finally, two people who found a college football game to be boring instead went to one of the stadium restrooms and got frisky, while being cheered on by onlookers – unfortunately for the woman’s husband and the man’s girlfriend, who were not involved. Incredibly, police say there was alcohol involved.

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Bad day at the office dear?

Sometimes, reality sets in, and you just have to go back to the drawing board and develop a new business plan.

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The Agony of Da Feet

So it seems one of the region’s more emotional journalists threw both his shoes at George W. Bush during a presser in Iraq earlier today.

Security officials said the guy wouldn’t get far on foot. In fact he might not have a leg to stand on. They eventually shoe’ed the man away. But not before they socked him. He was treated by Dr. Scholls.

Except for the fact that Bush is apparently very adept at ducking, he would have finally found those WMD’s he’s been looking for all these years. And by that I mean the Weapons of Migraine Development.

And while I apologize for all of the above, it does not excuse you from voting on the George W. Bush poll on top of the right hand sidebar. Here’s the news clip:

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Weekly Poll Wrap-Up

The poll question was “who will the next Texas House Speaker be?” All the declared candidates as of the time of the poll was posted were included, so of course two additional candidates filed within 24 hours, and were not included on the poll as a result.

In a related story, “Somebody who hasn’t filed yet” came in first with 29% of the vote.

Coming in second with 20% was Senfronia Thompson. Ms. Thompson, I would like to congratulate your staff for figuring out that if you clear your cache and cookies, you can vote over and over again. Well played.

Tying for 3rd place with 18% were Burt Solomons, and the man everybody’s trying to beat, Tom Craddick. In fourth place was Jim Keffer with 5%.

After that were the one-hit wonders who each received a single vote apiece, Scott Hochberg, Tommy Merrit, Sylvester Turner, and Allan Ritter; and two no-hitters who received no votes at all, Pete Gallego and Delwin Jones. The poll was not kind to West Texans apparently.

Look for the new poll on top of the right hand sidebar, whenever I get around to it.

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Q: what do you get if you cross Viagra with Microsoft?

A: This.

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So, about that Speaker’s race…

Now that Cook (no relation) and Kuempel (no relation) have also filed for Speaker, in addition to the cast of thousands (no relation) who had already filed as of last Sunday when the weekly poll was posted on top of the right hand sidebar, does it make anybody want to go back and change their vote?

If you’ve already voted, just click on “change your vote” underneath the choices. The software, however, will not allow me to add choices after somebody has voted on a poll.

And feel free to trash the candidate(s) of your choice in the comments here. This blog is like Olympia Dukakis (no relation) in “Steel Magnolias”: if you can’t say anything nice, come over here and sit by me.

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