Dear John Kelso:

I am in receipt of your latest column in the Austin American-Fishwrapper, in which you blast the Austin Marathon runners who clogged Austin’s streets last weekend.

I know. I understand the problem. In fact just for grins I gave ’em a side-swipe or two myself, both here and on my Facebook wall.*

That said, since you’re in the blasting business, I’ll play: among those at greatest fault for the giant traffic snarl in Austin last Sunday was none other than your own beloved newspaper.

Because, JOHN (can I call you John?), similar to you, I also had a speaking engagement on Sunday morning. Also similar to you, I got ready early and built in extra time to get there.

Just before I needed to leave my house, JOHN, I jumped online to grab a map of the race route to strategerize on the best route from my house (which is just outside the marathon route) to my destination (which is downtown – inside the marathon route).

Where did I look for such utterly timely and newsworthy information? Why, on the front page of – your very own beloved newspaper.

But guess what, JOHN? It wasn’t there. Not on the front page, anyway. Neither was it on the other end of any search engine results on the search function of your site. It also couldn’t be found on several other Austin news sites I searched on. It was probably on the marathon’s website, but that site crashed Sunday morning – probably because of all the Austinites who went there in desperation after realizing they couldn’t find what they needed on your newspaper’s site, JOHN.

In fact, I found it so unlikely that the Statesman would be such morons as to fail to put the route map on their site, that I originally assumed that I was the one with the shortcoming – that it must be there, but I just couldn’t find it. I felt better about me, and worse about you, when I got to my destination, and found that another speaker – a reporter, ironically – had the exact same problem.

I finally did find it – on the website of the local Fox News affiliate. So I must begrudgingly say – and may God forgive me – thank you Fox News, you were a life saver.

So, JOHN, I would respectfully bluntly suggest that you get your own house in order, before blaming somebody else for your troubles on Sunday morning. In other words, go out and buy yourself a real website, Pops (can I call you Pops?).

Meanwhile, regarding your own news organization, I always mistakenly assumed they spelled your parent company “Cox.”

PS: speaking of getting a real website for the Statesman, I tried to leave something similar to this comment on the Statesman’s website, under your column. It kept telling me I needed to first log in. I was logged in. I got the “Welcome Harold” treatment at the top of the page and everything. Buncha morons.

*get somebody to explain to you what a “Facebook wall” is.



5 Responses to Dear John Kelso:

  1. Roadgeek February 18, 2009 at 4:48 pm #

    John’s a Good Ol’ Boy, but he’s stuck in 1977 and so’s the Statesman. One thing John has special difficulty with is the fact that his readers now have the means to talk back and respond to his sometimes inane ramblings. It’s causing him some difficulty. That malady afflicts others at the Statesman as well. Many journalists, especially the older ones, have long had the attitude that they were the High Exalted Gatekeepers of all news and knowledge; they are finding the new reality disturbing. I also have had trouble posting comments while logged in; the website staff is still working on this whole Internets thing.
    Give them time.

  2. jolie February 18, 2009 at 6:08 pm #

    what’s especially high-larious about kelso’s plaint is he could have easily gotten to his destination, avoiding mopac completely, by driving south on I-35. (ohhh noooes!! not I-35!!)

    instead he comes off like the definition of insanity.

  3. FUBAR February 18, 2009 at 7:24 pm #

    Jolie – that’s good advice, except HE PROBABLY COULDN’T FIND A MAP OF THE ROUTE. 🙂

  4. Anonymous February 18, 2009 at 11:51 pm #

    Well I would say that this conduct is very unstatesmanlike Harold…but it was just too damn funny.

  5. Keyword Valet February 27, 2009 at 1:07 am #

    Awesome post Harold. Kelso is a clown and doesn’t deserve a weekly column in the Statesman, or even the Onion…

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