Legislating with the Stars

Letters From Texas Worldwide Headquarters, Time Machine Division, has fast forwarded to May. By then, the Texas Legislature's daily deliberations could be on statewide T.V. every day. Let's look in on the Texas Senate to see if Senator John Whitmire's worry of additional grand-standing turned out to be justified:

Off-camera announcer: Welcome to today's deliberations of the Texas Senate, brought to you by Tampax! (this offer void where prohibited; substantial penalty for early withdrawal)

Lt. Governor Dewhurst, from the President's Desk: [slams gavel] The Senate will come to order; the Secretary will call the roll. But before that, I'd like to sing you a little number...this one kills 'em in the Catskills...a-one and-a-two and-a....

Off-camera director: Cut! Bring in the stunt Lt. Governor!

Senator Whitmire: Wait a cotton-pickin' minute here, Mr. President, with all due respect, can we just get to the business at hand?

Senator Shapiro: Mr. President, respectfully, I agree with my good friend John Whitmire, who despite being a total liberal whose legislation my staff is trying to kill even as I speak, is still a good friend. We should get to the people's business, which incidentally can be found on my website, www-dot-Florence-Shapiro-For-U.S.-Senate-dot-com. Texans can go to this very tasteful website to get a complete review of the high priority issues, and also a few recipes my family enjoys, which are both good and good for you, and....

Senator Patrick: Mr. President, may I be recognized for a motion to recess until such time as the Texas Senate cable channel may be viewed only by born-again Christians?

Dewhurst, taking a break from wrestling the stunt Lt. Governor from the podium: Senator Patrick, you are not recognized for that purpose.

Senator Patrick: In that case, may I be recognized to ask why Senator Gallegos is wearing a firefighters uniform, complete with helmet and air tank?

Dewhurst: Sorry, no. Senator Shapleigh, for what purpose do you rise?

Senator Shapleigh: Mr. President, I rise to explain to all Texans, wherever they may be, why the great City of El Paso is the greatest place on earth, and also to mention that we always get screwed, no matter what, despite the fact that I think we're just great.

Dewhurst: So noted. Senator Van de Putte?

Senator Van de Putte: Mr. President, I'd like to be recognized to speak on my legislation stressing the importance of family planning.

Dewhurst: After raising about 23 kids, it's about time you figured that out. [cue rim shot/audience laugh track] But, no. Instead, at this time the Chair lays out S.B. 20. The Secretary will read the bill.

Senate Secretary: S.B. 20, by Lucio and Hinojosa, sending every last red cent to the Rio Grande Valley.

Dewhurst: The chair recognizes Senator Lucio to explain the bill.

Senator Lucio: Thank you Mr. President. Mr. President and members, Senator Hinojosa's and my legislation is good for Texas. And I will explain why in just a moment, but first, I would like to honor each citizen in my district, by name, alphabetically. First, Mr. Aaron Aardvark is a fine American and a close friend, who has distinguished himself by....

Whitmire: Mr. President, honestly - when are we going to get on with it??

Dewhurst: The Senate will stand at ease, pending these important messages from our sponsors. [slams gavel]