A Travelers Guide to Wackadoodleonia

Cross-posted at Burnt Orange Report

Dear Foreign Visitor:

As your guide to the sovereign state of Wackadoodleonia, welcome!

Yes, we realize you probably made your travel plans to “Texas” long before former Texas Governor Rick Perry, now the President And Supreme Commander of Wackadoodleonia, seceded and formed our own country. But despite this abrupt change, we think you’ll find your stay here in Wackadoodleonia to be an enjoyable one.

We can’t fault you for a bit of unease. We, too, thought at first that El Presidente Perry was kidding, when his comments suggested that he doesn’t blame people a bit for wanting to secede from the United States of America – our neighbor to the North. But then, nationally-renowned statesmen Rush Limbaugh and Tom DeLay weighed in, the concept caught on, and the rest, as they say, is history.

We hope you will enjoy your time visiting Wackadoodleonia, but as with travel to any foreign country, a few precautions should be taken.

First, if you’re traveling with children, please be aware that their health insurance coverage was declared null and void at our border. Please contact the Wackadoodleonia Department of Insurance for a rider which will cover your child during your visit. Unfortunately, coverage is very expensive here, when it’s available at all, so good luck.

Also, please be aware that here in sunny Wackadoodleonia, we have instituted a “no tolerance” policy on crime, including instituting the death penalty for parking violations. There are no appeals, since there are no court houses. We tore them down after we deported all the lawyers. We now settle our disputes as a civilized and free people should – with guns.

We love our U.S. neighbors to the North. However, we must take issue with the border wall your country is now constructing, segregating us from the American states of Louisiana, Arkansas, Oklahoma, and New Mexico. Well, we don’t mind the Oklahoma wall so much, but you get the point. Wackadoodleonians only want good paying jobs to feed their families; the fact that we are sneaking across the border into the U.S. is testament to your good-paying jobs and great employee benefits. Plus, we Wackadoodleonians are doing the jobs Americans don’t want to do anyway. So please keep that in mind and try to be a little more sensitive, mmm-kay?

Also, as a U.S. visitor to Wackadoodleonia, please keep in mind that we have very strict laws against Americans voting in our elections. That’s why we require that all voters show a valid Wackadoodleonia drivers license and an NRA Lifetime Membership card prior to being allowed to cast a vote for the Republican of their choice.

And finally – it’s true what they say, “you can go to Wackadoodleonia, but don’t drink the water!” Please note that even before Texas broke away from our oppressors to the North, Wackadoodleonia had the hightest amount of toxic chemicals released into our water anywhere in the U.S.

With those details aside, we hope you enjoy your stay, and hope you enjoyed Lee Greenwood’s rousing “I’m Proud To Be A Wackadoodleonian” over the loudspeakers as you arrived at the airport! As President Perry says, “we’re proud of Wackadoodleonia – how ’bout you?”

PS: we realize that we kind of messed up the whole look of the American flag when we withdrew from the Union. 49 stars instead of 50 just looks like crap – our bad. May we suggest that you take in Puerto Rico a state, if only to maintain the symmetry? Just a thought.



4 Responses to A Travelers Guide to Wackadoodleonia

  1. Big Uncle April 18, 2009 at 5:57 pm #

    And, after you have returned from your driving vacation to Wackadoodleonia, you can expect to receive a bill for all the stealth toll roads you used here. Most other places with toll roads have little booths on the roads where you pay your toll, but that would require employees and we all know what a pain the butt those are.

    You will be well advised to pay your toll bill promptly, including all convenience charges, such as the “billing fee,” the “payment fee,” and the “we need even more from you, sucker fee.”

    Of course, paying the toll bill will not be the end of the matter. Some weeks later you will receive the bill again, this time including a “late fee” especially if you were acting like some kind of smary pants and paid the first one right away. This late fee and associated other charges on this second bill must be taken very seriously. Failure to pay it will result in SWAT teams visiting your home, no matter where you live. First, they will take your automobile and if that is not sufficient to pay the late fee (plus interest, based on the national inflation rate of Zimbabwe, compounded hourly), you will be forced to surrender your first born.

    Understand we need to charge these tolls to pay the Spanish Overlords who own our roads and enable us to refuse those nasty socialist federal stimulus dollars.

    Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

  2. njb April 19, 2009 at 8:05 am #

    LOL, Love the blog! Mind if I forward to my friends in D.C.?

  3. FUBAR April 19, 2009 at 12:07 pm #

    NJB – thanks for the compliment. But you can absolutely NOT share this blog with your friends. This is a secret blog. In fact, everything on the interwebz should be considered highly confidential. How did this top secret URL come into your possession anyway? I consider this a National security threat. This is very upsetting indeed.

  4. njb April 19, 2009 at 2:44 pm #

    OK, I’ll just link it on Newsvine instead… 🙂

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