Let's Play Ball!

I always bet on the Houston Astros. All season long. Every year.

Not that I expect to win anything. In fact, I always end up with a net loss, even in 2005, when the Astros went to the World Series.

But, what the hell. I consider being a fan of the Astros to be, to take Molly Ivins out of context, a harmless perversion, discussed only in the presence of consenting adults. I also consider my friendly bets against friends, who are Cardinals fans who hate America, to be my cover charge for all the resulting arguments which insult the Astros, insult the Cardinals, insult each other, and call into question the parentage of all involved. Very little of this has anything to do with baseball, but it's big fun.

And it's a good thing it's fun, because it's not getting any easier to be an Astros fan. My fellow disAstro-ites have watched during the off-season as the team has taken in a ton of old washed-up MLB players who once upon a time showed talent, but whose best days have long past. As a result, this year I'm predicting that when the team's disabled list begins to grow, the most prevalent condition represented on it will be Alzheimer’s.

The season opener was last night, and of course the disAstros lost to the Cubs 4-2. I expect no better from Our Home Team.

But that's the point, and central to the mystique of the Astros. Nobody expects anything good out these misfits. In fact, nothing good ever comes of the Astros until after they've been left for dead. The Astros are like a loyal old East Texas hound dog, who doesn't even bother to get up in the morning until after Buba proclaims it a useless tick magnet and, in utter disgust, gives it a swift kick in the ass.

So here's my early-season overview. The roster is full of has-beens. With the possible exception of Oswalt, our pitchers are either unproven, or have been proven to suck. The team has a long and proud history of stranding runners on base, in the unlikely event any of them get on base in the first place. This is like the Bad News Bears at the old folks home.

So clearly, we're going to have the best season ever! The Houston fans agree, and showed it with a all time record attendance last night of almost 44,000, in a tough economy.

Approximately 43,950 of those shelling out the ticket price arrived with the full knowledge that we'd get our butts kicked.

This is good...very good. The sooner they're left for dead, the sooner they'll start winning games. I hope to be writing their obituary all season long, on our way to the World Series.

Go 'Stros!