Archive | June, 2009

This will explain to all Texans everywhere why England lost the war

Now comes this important bulletin from the BBC, alerting Brits to a very dangerous heat wave which will endanger the lives of all who dare to enter the burning hell that is the U.K.  There are even wild claims that the temperature could actually reach 32 degrees celsius!

What, you ask, is that temperature, converted to fahrenheit? Glad you asked. It’s going to be a blistering 89.6 degrees out there.

How ever will the House of Windsor survive it all? Oh, the indignity.

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Attention candidates for public office

Your commitment to public service is admirable, but it will also be grueling. You’ll blockwalk in the stifling Texas heat. You’ll humiliate yourself begging for campaign contributions. You’ll be attacked from all sides by people who will intentionally misrepresent your actions and motives. Your kids will ask if ugly charges leveled against you by opponents and reporters are true.

But at least here in Texas, a monkey probably won’t urinate on you.

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Political satire blog heaven

I will give 100 cash American dollars to anybody who can convince a candidate to run for the Texas Legislature, in any district, as a Republican or Democrat, whose name is legitimately the same as this guy’s. We would never run out of punchlines.

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Well for that, I would simply refer you to the last sentence in this website’s disclaimer. Which, ironically, also has an animal protection clause in it.

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This photo was taken mere seconds before an Austin political consultant (back to camera, thank God) disappeared into the ground forever, as a freak earthquake opened a fissure in the ground in Big Bend. In the distance is the glow of a massive explosion in El Paso, hundreds of miles to the West, as Texas state Senator Eliot Shapleigh loses his temper while reading Governor Rick Perry’s veto statements.

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PETA is just as crazy as you think they are

When I wrote the headline on this previous post, it was just a joke – neither PETA nor FoxNews had yet jumped on Obama for killing a fly. Even the pro-lifers had a moment of sanity, proving once again that they really don’t mean it when they say “all life is sacred.”

Then, PETA did indeed jump Obama. For swatting a fly. Seriously? You people are seriously eff’ed up.

I herein join with those who have courageously come before me to proclaim that “PETA” should stand for “People Eating Tasty Animals.”

I herein lock arms with those who have courageously come before me to declare that if God had intended people to not eat animals, he wouldn’t have made them out of meat.

And, I herein express my disappointment with FoxNews and the pro-lifers for failing to weigh in on this Obama fly-killing situation in the wacked-out way I was counting on. That I know of. So far.

Meanwhile, that lobster that I ordered on my trip to Boston last weekend? He was delicious. The fact that I sent him to his eternal paradise in crustacean heaven early is my gift to animal lovers everywhere. He was served with drawn butter, which was undoubtedly obtained by the cruel manipulation of a very nice cow, which had probably befriended a cute little boy on a pristine farm somewhere in New England. They even threw in a few clams, one of which may have inexplicably had the I.Q. of Albert Einstein, and would have solved the world’s problems had he been allowed to survive. Too damn bad. It was all very yummy.

Feel free to weigh in on the comments section regarding your reason why you think PETA is nuts.

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Obama kills fly; pro-lifers, PETA take to streets in massive protest; Fox News declares “Stealth Ninja takes over U.S.”

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The Barton Springs Road Hall Monitor

Well well well. What have we here?

Turns out that a member of Austin’s Live Music Task Force, Scott Trainer, is the guy who called the cops on Shady Grove Restaurant and turned ’em in for violating Austin’s stupid noise ordinance, as Shady Grove’s weekly Thursday “Unplugged” concert got underway last week. We know this thanks to the Austin American-Fishwrapper story, which also has the audio of Trainer’s 911 call to police.

I have a question for Mr. Trainer.

Where is it that you live, and did you move in before, or after, the Barton Springs Road scene became an Austin music mecca? Because if you moved in after, you remind me of one of those people who moves somewhere because it’s cool, then do your very best to suck the cool right out of the place. Moving to Barton Springs Road and expecting peace and quiet is like Captain Renault walking into Rick’s in Casablanca, then professing his shock…SHOCK…that there is gambling going on in this establishment.

So, really – I’d like to know…did you get yourself appointed to the Live Music Task Force to promote Austin’s live music scene? Or were you just representing neighborhoods in order to protect the Barton Springs Road area from the very essence of Barton Springs Road?

Also, I’d like to know why you don’t live in Round Rock.

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Rick Perry and Leo Berman go on a lunch date

Representative Leo Berman (R-Wackoville) has been a very unhappy boy. This is mainly because the legislature has been reluctant to follow his advice and outlaw all people everywhere who don’t look exactly like Leo Berman, sound like Leo Berman, think like Leo Berman, and whose names are not Leo Berman.

A few months ago, Berman threatened to run against Governor Perry in the Republican primary, unless the legislature passes anti-immigration measures designed to completely de-populate the state of Texas. Under Berman’s proposed legislation, the only people left here would be a few Native Americans and Leo Berman. Seeing as how Leo would have the only remaining ammunition supply, he would own the entire state. Ingenious plan really.

Anywho, Representative Berman and Governor Perry had lunch together yesterday to see if they could work something out. As usual, Letters From Texas Worldwide H.Q., Stealth Surveillance Division, exclusively brings you the transcript of their private discussion:

Perry: Representative Berman, it’s so good to see you. We should have done this a long time ago.

Berman: Governor Perry, thanks for taking the time. We’ve needed to talk for quite a while. I guess you’ve heard that I’m thinking about running against you.

Perry: Yeah, heard something about that. What’s that about?

Berman: Well, with all due respect, I don’t feel that you hate Mexicans nearly enough to suit me.

Perry: Leo, where do you get these crazy notions in your head? Of course I hate Mexicans! In fact, I can’t hardly stand to visit Mexico anymore – the place is overrun with Mexicans. I guess the government there couldn’t keep ’em out. But Leo, it’s just not that simple. We can’t afford to enforce federal laws on this. Well, besides all the things I order DPS to do for inclusion later in my targeted direct mail. Didn’t you see where I spent millions on that web-based remote camera system on the border, and invited citizens everywhere to report those suspected of being human beings in search of a better life? We sent them home in a hurry. Ha!

Berman: Governor, that program only caught like two people. It was a dismal failure.

Perry: Yeah well ok, but what about me asking Obama for all that money and those troops to patrol the border? I took time out of my busy schedule to announce that just the other day, in between press conferences declaring that we don’t need anything from the feds.

Berman: I’m so running against you.

Perry: But why Leo?

Berman: Because you even make me look smart, you nerd squeezing poop farmer.

Perry: Now look here, you goblin sucking lard poker, I don’t have to take that from you!

Berman: There’s something you don’t understand here, you tree loving hamster vendor: if I join you and Kay Hutchison in the Republican primary, I’ll peel off the most conservative voters, split ’em with you, and cause Kay to win the primary. So you just need to get over yourself and cede to my demands, you earwax biting granny tamer!

Perry: Berman you’re such an anal smoking nerd sack. I’m the Governor of Texas, you’re a lowly…and quite swarthy I might add…state representative! I’m not about to sit here and take orders from you, you lard licking bum gurgler!

Berman: Oh yes you will, you nose milking wood nibbler. Because if you don’t, I’ll ruin you. I’ll ruin your campaign, I’ll ruin your future, and I’ll even ruin your campaign manager, because he’s a toilet climbing snot herder.

Perry: Give it your best shot Berman. You don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of peeling off enough votes from me for Kay to win. For one thing, you’re a tree sipping pimple vendor. And she’s a hamster tossing poop eater.  So, Mr. Wart-Reeking-Cork-Breeder, this meeting is over!

[thanks, as always to the insult generator website]

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Perry injures collar bone; Letters from Texas exclusively has DPS incident report

Widely reported last night, Governor Rick Perry injured his collar bone during a biking accident yesterday afternoon. We here at Letters from Texas Worldwide Headquarters wish the Governor a quick recovery.

Meanwhile, our crack investigative team has obtained the actual DPS incident report on the mishap. Click on the image to enlarge it.

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Maybe Texas Monthly needs a “Top Ten Places Burka Has Slept” report

In one local newspaper’s write-up relating to Texas Monthly’s recent Ten Best/Ten Worst list, one of TM’s “furniture” victims remarked that he thought he’d seen Texas Monthly’s Paul Burka asleep on the Senate floor outside the rail. Burka, interviewed for the story, said he didn’t recall being asleep in the Senate.

Well Paul, Letters From Texas is more than happy to refresh your memory. Surprisingly, it appears in this case that you have no complaints about the furniture in the Senate.

(click on the photo to make it larger)

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New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin shanghaied; Rep. Betty Brown among group

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin, his wife, and other members of his group have been detained in China. Nagin had reportedly been on an airline flight with another person who was later found to have the swine flu. Chinese officials are reportedly anxious to release Nagin and his party, as top meteorologists in Beijing continue to watch a violent offshore weather system carefully. The storm has apparently made a 180 degree turn and is now heading straight for the mainland.

Previously unreported, however, is the fact that Texas state representative Betty Brown, who was traveling with Nagin’s group, has also been detained.

Crack reporters at Letters From Texas’ Investigative Reporting Unit have exclusively been in contact via satellite phone with Representative Brown. She reports that she is being very well-treated by her Chinese hosts “Sam,” “Fred,” and “Bubba.”

Mayor Nagin has reportedly been complimentary of Brown’s participation during the economic outreach trip, at one point remarking, “you’re doing a heckofa job, Brownie!”

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I would just like to modestly point out…

…that of Letters from Texas’ top five Republican picks for Best Legislator, three were among Texas Monthly’s “best” picks as well, either in the top ten or as honorable mention. And the #1 pick was identical on both lists – Senator John Carona. Texas Monthly released their list this morning.

Similarly, I would point out with equal modesty that Letters from Texas’ list was released four days ago. Jus’ sayin’.

And for the legislators who earned a spot on either of TM’s lists, we got your answer right down here buddy.

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Time-saving tip for Texas Legislators

Legislators, about 20-30 of you will either be honored or disgraced Friday, when Texas Monthly releases their “10 Worst – 10 Best” legislators list. Counting honorable mentions and furniture, there will be more than a few people unhappy with their choices. Others of you will suddenly realize the extent to which you never realized that the folks at Texas Monthly were freakin’ geniuses.

But lets face it – your staff is really tired. They really don’t want to write the statement from you, in which you react to your inclusion in this fine piece of journalism. So, as a service to you and your exhausted staff, from Letters From Texas Worldwide Headquarters, Political Affairs Division, feel free to choose the appropriate choices on this suggested press release, and save yourself some time and trouble. Merely write in your name and your district number, circle the appropriate choices, and sent it out.

Press Release

June 5, 2009

[Senator/Representative _________ ] Responds to Texas Monthly

(Austin) [your name here] said the following today, after Texas Monthly magazine announced [his/her] inclusion in their list of ten [best or worst] legislators:

“[I am disappointed in or I applaud] Texas Monthly for their [hack job or fine journalistic effort] in naming the ten best and ten worst legislators today.

“Fortunately, constituents in my district [already knew this worthless rag was full of crap or have long known of my legislative prowess]. I can think of no higher compliment than [for this liberal commie pinko travel magazine to disagree with my high-minded legislative priorities or for this fine magazine to recognize all that we have been able to accomplish this session].

“The good people of District ____ have long known [not to take their political advice from a travel rag, any more than they would take travel advice from a political magazine or that I have worked very hard on their behalf, and the positive results are apparent].

“It is truly a great reflection on my district that [this out-of-touch liberal Austin insider gossip rag trashed me or this fine conservative news publication has finally recognized my achievements].

“I would just add [my compliments to Texas Monthly for a job well done or that Paul Burka can suck a nut].”

# # #

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Memo to Republicans: Texas doesn’t need I.D. laws, but Australia does

Republicans fond of offering solutions in search of problems, who always seem hot to make folks show their I.D.’s before doing stuff, need to move to Australia.

After the huge wildfires there, the government offered a $1,000 payment to any family losing their home. Over 67,000 families asked for and received the payments. Some were not asked to show I.D. or prove damages, since the personal records of many were lost in the fire.

One teeny weeny problem: only 2,000 homes were destroyed. In a related story, the Texas Secretary of State reports that no free money is being given away at Texas’ polling places.

It reminds me of an old aggie joke news alert:

Authorities say that a single engine Cessna airplane crashed in a cemetery outside of College Station early this morning. Local rescue teams say they have recovered over 2,396 bodies so far.

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