Representative Leo Berman (R-Wackoville) has been a very unhappy boy. This is mainly because the legislature has been reluctant to follow his advice and outlaw all people everywhere who don’t look exactly like Leo Berman, sound like Leo Berman, think like Leo Berman, and whose names are not Leo Berman.
A few months ago, Berman threatened to run against Governor Perry in the Republican primary, unless the legislature passes anti-immigration measures designed to completely de-populate the state of Texas. Under Berman’s proposed legislation, the only people left here would be a few Native Americans and Leo Berman. Seeing as how Leo would have the only remaining ammunition supply, he would own the entire state. Ingenious plan really.
Anywho, Representative Berman and Governor Perry had lunch together yesterday to see if they could work something out. As usual, Letters From Texas Worldwide H.Q., Stealth Surveillance Division, exclusively brings you the transcript of their private discussion:
Perry: Representative Berman, it’s so good to see you. We should have done this a long time ago.
Berman: Governor Perry, thanks for taking the time. We’ve needed to talk for quite a while. I guess you’ve heard that I’m thinking about running against you.
Perry: Yeah, heard something about that. What’s that about?
Berman: Well, with all due respect, I don’t feel that you hate Mexicans nearly enough to suit me.
Perry: Leo, where do you get these crazy notions in your head? Of course I hate Mexicans! In fact, I can’t hardly stand to visit Mexico anymore - the place is overrun with Mexicans. I guess the government there couldn’t keep ‘em out. But Leo, it’s just not that simple. We can’t afford to enforce federal laws on this. Well, besides all the things I order DPS to do for inclusion later in my targeted direct mail. Didn’t you see where I spent millions on that web-based remote camera system on the border, and invited citizens everywhere to report those suspected of being human beings in search of a better life? We sent them home in a hurry. Ha!
Berman: Governor, that program only caught like two people. It was a dismal failure.
Perry: Yeah well ok, but what about me asking Obama for all that money and those troops to patrol the border? I took time out of my busy schedule to announce that just the other day, in between press conferences declaring that we don’t need anything from the feds.
Berman: I’m so running against you.
Perry: But why Leo?
Berman: Because you even make me look smart, you nerd squeezing poop farmer.
Perry: Now look here, you goblin sucking lard poker, I don’t have to take that from you!
Berman: There’s something you don’t understand here, you tree loving hamster vendor: if I join you and Kay Hutchison in the Republican primary, I’ll peel off the most conservative voters, split ‘em with you, and cause Kay to win the primary. So you just need to get over yourself and cede to my demands, you earwax biting granny tamer!
Perry: Berman you’re such an anal smoking nerd sack. I’m the Governor of Texas, you’re a lowly…and quite swarthy I might add…state representative! I’m not about to sit here and take orders from you, you lard licking bum gurgler!
Berman: Oh yes you will, you nose milking wood nibbler. Because if you don’t, I’ll ruin you. I’ll ruin your campaign, I’ll ruin your future, and I’ll even ruin your campaign manager, because he’s a toilet climbing snot herder.
Perry: Give it your best shot Berman. You don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of peeling off enough votes from me for Kay to win. For one thing, you’re a tree sipping pimple vendor. And she’s a hamster tossing poop eater. So, Mr. Wart-Reeking-Cork-Breeder, this meeting is over!
[thanks, as always to the insult generator website]