Austin News Briefs

Local man killed in traffic accident involving bicycle, Smart Car

An Austin man was killed today when a Smart Car collided with a bicycle on Lamar Blvd.

Police say Nathan Winters, 23, was pronounced dead on the scene following the accident. The bicycle rider, however, escaped with only minor injuries and was treated at the scene and released.

Winters’ family said that in addition to Winters being the proud owner of the Smart Car, he was an active member in Greenpeace, PETA, Earth First, NORML, and the Travis County Libertarian Party.

While the motor vehicle was a total loss, the bicycle will only require minor cosmetic repairs, police said.

Texas Tribune hires all remaining Capitol reporters; Austin bloggers

The non-profit news start-up Texas Tribune announced today that they have hired every remaining reporter in the Capitol bureaus of all Texas’ major state newspaper, radio, and T.V. stations, bringing their total number of reporters to 248. They also announced the hiring of 58 liberal and conservative bloggers, and have have put on retainer every identifiable surviving relative of Walter Cronkite. Also announced was the hiring of Leslie Cochran, the famous Austin homeless man, who will write a regular fashion column for the online publication.

“I’m proud of the team we have amassed,” said Trib C.E.O. Evan Smith, who has also reportedly hired an auto mechanic, a space shuttle astronaut, and “The World’s Most Interesting Man” from the Dos Equis beer commercials.

In a related story, the Texas Press Association reported that the Tribune has already inadvertently succeeded in their goal of reinvigorating the news business in Texas. The association says it’s because Texas newspapers’ personnel costs have been slashed in half, due to the Tribune hiring everybody they ever met.

Gov. Perry continues ceremonial bill signings

Texas Governor Rick Perry continued to travel the state this week performing ceremonial bill signings. The governor’s latest event, held in Brownwood, included the ceremonial bill signing of H.B. 3995, which Perry conceded he never read, but which “some conservative guy somewhere” said was “a mighty fine piece of legislation.”

Perry, who frequently criticizes federal stimulus dollars, is paying his travel expenses with federal stimulus dollars. Officials in Washington confirmed that Perry’s travel efforts seem to be working in re-invigorating the entire Texas economy.

Meanwhile, Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison, who says she’s running against Perry in the Republican primary for Governor next year, continued traveling across the state this weekend as well, ceremonially saying little or nothing.

Lt. Governor David Dewhurst, rumored to be running for Hutchison’s Senate seat, is also traveling the state with his new bride, ceremonially reenacting their wedding ceremony in all major media markets.

Update: somebody briefly took the Smart Car piece seriously.



3 Responses to Austin News Briefs

  1. Jason July 27, 2009 at 5:22 pm #

    Though I’m not very well acquainted with the style/content of your work, the feasibility of a cyclist surviving an impact with a smart car had me on the hook for this one. I mean have you seen those smart cars up close? I’d take an 80’s rigid steel mountain bike over one of those things in a head-on collision almost any day of the week…

  2. Anonymous July 27, 2009 at 5:59 pm #

    I am certainly alive and well blogging. – I hope my mother doesn’t pick up on this thing.

  3. FUBAR July 27, 2009 at 6:05 pm #

    Oops. I knew if I picked a random name, somebody somewhere would have the same name. I wonder if there’s a Smart Car owner by the same name? If so, I sure hope his mother doesn’t google him!

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