Confidential Memorandum

FROM: Rahm Emanuel

TO: The Hon. Joe Wilson

RE: Our Secret Plan is Working

Joe, this is just a quick note to thank you for so effectively executing our secret plan last night. When you came to me last week and told me that you wanted to maximize the eventual impact of you switching parties and becoming a Democrat, I was almost speechless.

Then it hit me – let’s utilize your services to go over-the-top in the right wing’s opposition to the President’s health care reform. Let’s show the opposition for what it is, and let’s demonstrate to the American people the extent to which Republicans will make damn fools out of themselves, in their never-ending efforts to defend commercial insurance companies’ profits.

If I do say so myself, it was a stroke of genius for me to determine that the most effective outburst would be for you to heckle the President immediately after he discussed “illegal immigrants” not being in the reform plan. Everybody already knows that of all the things that drive Republicans the most batshit crazy, it’s when anybody brings up illegal immigrants. Also, my instincts were on-the-money – I knew if I clued in Pelosi to our plan, her patented “icy stare” would turn this triple into a home run!

So now, on the cusp of you switching parties, we get a 2-fer: more Americans are now aware that right wingers will say or do anything to defend the status quo on behalf of commercial insurance plans, PLUS Americans are now more clear than ever that Republicans’ brains explode every time somebody brings up immigration.

Joe, rest assured that when the dust settles and you’re defeated in your re-election by your Democratic opponent because of this, our private deal remains solid: I will make sure the President appoints you as Ambassador to Kenya, where you will be well-positioned to continue to protect the secrecy of that pesky little birth certificate.

Congratulations on a job well done!

PS: would you mind terribly if you implicated yourself in a little sex scandal in the next couple of weeks? I think we only need one more “family values” Republican to be disgraced, in order to hit critical mass on that front, so the American people will internalize the conservative hypocrisy on that as well. Don’t say no until after I’ve shown you a picture of who I have in mind…YOWZA! Let me know.

Update: go to, and click your “refresh” button repeatedly.



6 Responses to Confidential Memorandum

  1. Anonymous September 10, 2009 at 2:04 pm #

    Dear FUBAR,

    Thanks, so much, for your advice, yesterday. As you know, I’ve been very excited about our plan to make Republican wingnuts look like the tools of monied corporate interests that they’ve become. Until your memo, I was all adither about how I might use my status as “inside man” to further our goals. Would I audibly “choke” when the President denied that there were death panels in the legislation? Would I sneeze “bullshit” into my hand when we talked about the economy getting better? Would I cough, ala “Animal House,” “blow job” when he read from Ted Kennedy’s letter. It was becoming a very hard decision for me. Afterall, the standard of rhetoric from my “current” party has become so low and slattern that it was really hard to choose the most effective way to cheapen the debate even more.

    Anyway, I think we can all agree that it worked out really well, last night. The Republicans look even a little more looney, cheap, and obstructionist than they did before. That was our goal, right?

    Thanks for you advice. Please, forward pics of your suggested Applachian Trail adventure.

    Joe Wilson
    (not to be confused with that ambassador guy).

  2. Cong. Joe Wilson September 10, 2009 at 3:13 pm #

    I’m in for the scandal, just as long as my paramour is my true love — my Rahmbo!


  3. Anonymous September 10, 2009 at 7:24 pm #

    I fear for this country when just one political party has credibility and dominance.
    /I’m so fucking kidding. The justice was especially poetic last night.

    Don’t Mess w/ Pink

  4. Anonymous September 10, 2009 at 11:00 pm #

    Rahm, thanks for your support! Only, can I be Ambassador to Hawaii instead?

    And as for that sex scandal, here’s my choice:

  5. FUBAR September 10, 2009 at 11:12 pm #

    YOU LIE!

  6. cactusflinthead September 11, 2009 at 4:58 pm #

    Not nearly enough f-bombs to be Rahm.
    Snarky goodness.

Leave a Reply