Austin News Briefs

Public weighs in on Austin's "texting while driving" ban

The Austin City Council's recent move banning motorists from text messaging while driving has resulted in many Austinites congratulating councilmembers through the very social media outlets the council regulated.

"Congrats on passing the anti-texting ordinance," one Austinite text messaged to Councilmember Mike Martinez, the primary author of the measure. "What R U wearing, big boy?" the citizen added moments later.

"I'm glad the city raised my awareness about the dangers of texting while driving," said one Austin woman via Facebook. "What with all the text messages I used to send from IH-35 every morning, I barely had time to read the newspaper, smoke a cigarette, put on my make-up, eat my Mickey D's sausage biscuit with egg, and finish the New York Times crossword on my way to work," she added.

Responding to our text message seeking comment, Martinez replied, "I was pleased to sponsor this important measure, and proud of my fellow councilmembers for agreeing with me." According to a subsequent police accident report, no one was injured when moments later Martinez reportedly plowed into the back of  a Toyota Tercel while giving his scalp its morning shave.

Democrats applaud Hank Gilbert's proposals on gay, bisexual, and transgendered Texans

At a press conference yesterday, Austin Democrats applauded new gay rights policy proposals rolled out by Democratic gubernatorial candidate Hank Gilbert. Gilbert's plan includes the state recognizing same-sex unions, making it easier to change the gender on a birth certificate, and requiring universities to recognize same-sex domestic partnerships.

By any valid civil rights measure, the proposals are the right thing to do. Out-of-touch Austinites who have some delusional view that a few scattered Texans may not completely embrace Gilbert's proposals were quickly shouted down.

"Finally - a candidate for governor with the courage to commit political suicide before the filing period even opens. This is the one I've been waiting for," said one activist.

"I'm so tired of candidates for public office not speaking out and doing the right thing on an issue, just because to do so would mean it's a sure bet that they won't win the election, take office, and accomplish a single thing for Texas. This is a big step forward," said another.

In 2005, the most recent time Texas voters have weighed in on a gay rights measure, of the 254 counties in Texas, 253 of them voted to reject the notion of gay marriage. Democratic political analysts all agreed that the time is ripe for the Gilbert campaign to win Democratic hearts and minds with his bold proposals, and that the move puts him in a great position to launch a massive issues education effort with all the extra contributions which have been pouring into his campaign. They agreed that the move sets up Gilbert to become the prohibitive frontrunner in Clarksville, parts of Travis Heights, one neighborhood in Houston, and at former State Representative Glen Maxey's house.

Contacted for reaction to the Gilbert plan, Tom Schieffer said something unintelligible, then added that people know him in Fort Worth. Kinky Friedman, for his part, had no particular reaction to reporters' questions on the matter, instead continuing to bogart a doobie and eat dinner directly from the Doritos bag.

Ultra-conservative Republican Gubernatorial candidate to air Spanish-language ads

Debra Medina, the Republican running for Governor who is so conservative she thinks Rick Perry is a wuss, announced yesterday she will air Spanish-language TV ads in her Republican primary election.

Medina, whose last name was acquired through marriage and who is reportedly of German and Bohemian heritage, characterized herself in an Austin American-Statesman interview only as a "wife and mother, a nurse and a patriot." She did not, however, mention anything about being "a wackadoodle."

Media consultants specializing in Latino communications applauded the ad, and said that the "go home - I hate you all" subliminal message was barely noticable to the untrained eye.