Tiger Woodshed

You, the crap-reading public, cannot be faulted for a bit of intellectual curiosity. You’re dying to ask me how, as a certified paid professional in delicate matters of crisis management messaging and media, I would advise Tiger Woods. The solution is really quite easy. If you were also a certified paid professional in such delicate matters, you would undoubtedly already know this. Since you’re not, I will generously share this easy solution. You can thank me later.
As one can easily tell from this exclusive Letters From Texas Worldwide Headquarters (Public Opinion Division) chart, things do indeed look quite bleak for Tiger Woods at the moment, now that the entire world knows he’s been cheating on his way-hot wife.

However, there is hope for a quick rehabilitation of Mr. Woods’ popularity, as illustrated by this other chart showing the amazing and near-instant public opinion rehabilitation of another celebrity.
When I said it would be easy, I meant for me, not him. Good luck there, Casanova, you’re on your own, buddy.



11 Responses to Tiger Woodshed

  1. whiskeydent December 3, 2009 at 3:23 pm #

    In my capacity as a professional blog commenter, I’ve been thinking on this too, and I’ve come up with a plan.

    First, he points out that he hooked up with several women, not just one. That way he can say it was not about love. He was just getting some strange, you know?

    Second, he castrates himself.

    So FUB, what do you think about my plan?

  2. FUBAR December 3, 2009 at 3:59 pm #

    Whiskeydent, on your first point, I really don’t think he’s going to be needing to waste any time pointing out the existence of several women – those women will be, er, “coming out of the woodwork” on their own.

    And on your second point, my idea of death is much less painful.

  3. Anonymous December 3, 2009 at 5:41 pm #

    My response to this is simply to quote the great Rokk, the ComicsMaster:

    “Black Tarantula throws Foggy at The Hand ninjas while he elbows White Tiger in the face”

  4. Don't Mess w/ Pink December 3, 2009 at 5:44 pm #

    I don’t get it. My response to the media’s “OHMYGODTIGER’SHADANAFFAIRORTHREE! is who the fuck cares? Leave the guy alone. Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t recall him ever holding himself out as some sort of moral compass for the nation or professing purity of any sort whatsoever. Hell, he hardly talks at all. He’s a professional athlete, for crying out loud, not a priest. (Thank god, or we’d be talking little boys right now.) And the argument that he’s a role model? If he’s your kid’s role model, you better be taking a good long look at yourself. We were a much more civil society when these things were swept under the rug. Show me as pro-rug.

  5. Anonymous December 3, 2009 at 6:52 pm #

    ITYM Cheetah Woods

  6. FUBAR December 3, 2009 at 7:21 pm #

    DMw/P: clearly you have missed the salient point, which is that his wife is way-hot.

  7. Lee December 3, 2009 at 8:34 pm #

    Something I just don’t understand: Cheating on one’s wife.

    Something I understand even less: Cheating on one’s Swedish supermodel wife.

    File this story in the “Hugh Grant, what the hell were you thinking?” category.

  8. Don't Mess w/ Pink December 3, 2009 at 8:41 pm #

    I see, FUB. The public is in a tizzy not because he has sinned, but because he is a dumbass. OK, well that’s different.

  9. Anonymous December 3, 2009 at 9:20 pm #

    That is hilarious, and I just sent this link to my MJ-loving friends.

    Well done!

    double tonic

  10. FUBAR December 3, 2009 at 10:30 pm #

    DMw/P: it’s even worse than you think. There are already reports that, as a result of this, significant others everywhere are sneaking peaks at cell phones. Tiger has probably done more to destroy the right to privacy than George W. Bush ever did.

  11. Dubious Brother December 4, 2009 at 5:40 pm #

    Whiskeydent – as to phase two of your plan for the Tiger, I think that it probably has already happened either by a three iron at 2:30 AM the other day or in the closed door negotiations to either keep his marriage “together” or to quietly divorce.

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