Let's Play Ball!

I always bet on the Houston Astros. All season long. Every year.

Not that I expect to win anything. In fact, I always end up with a net loss, even in 2005, when the Astros went to the World Series.

But, what the hell. I consider being a fan of the Astros to be, to take Molly Ivins out of context, a harmless perversion, discussed only in the presence of consenting adults. I also consider my friendly bets against friends, who are Cardinals fans who hate America, to be my cover charge for all the resulting arguments which insult the Astros, insult the Cardinals, insult each other, and call into question the parentage of all involved. Very little of this has anything to do with baseball, but it's big fun.

And it's a good thing it's fun, because it's not getting any easier to be an Astros fan. My fellow disAstro-ites have watched during the off-season as the team has taken in a ton of old washed-up MLB players who once upon a time showed talent, but whose best days have long past. As a result, this year I'm predicting that when the team's disabled list begins to grow, the most prevalent condition represented on it will be Alzheimer’s.

The season opener was last night, and of course the disAstros lost to the Cubs 4-2. I expect no better from Our Home Team.

But that's the point, and central to the mystique of the Astros. Nobody expects anything good out these misfits. In fact, nothing good ever comes of the Astros until after they've been left for dead. The Astros are like a loyal old East Texas hound dog, who doesn't even bother to get up in the morning until after Buba proclaims it a useless tick magnet and, in utter disgust, gives it a swift kick in the ass.

So here's my early-season overview. The roster is full of has-beens. With the possible exception of Oswalt, our pitchers are either unproven, or have been proven to suck. The team has a long and proud history of stranding runners on base, in the unlikely event any of them get on base in the first place. This is like the Bad News Bears at the old folks home.

So clearly, we're going to have the best season ever! The Houston fans agree, and showed it with a all time record attendance last night of almost 44,000, in a tough economy.

Approximately 43,950 of those shelling out the ticket price arrived with the full knowledge that we'd get our butts kicked.

This is good...very good. The sooner they're left for dead, the sooner they'll start winning games. I hope to be writing their obituary all season long, on our way to the World Series.

Go 'Stros!

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Desperate Cries for Help Your Faithful Correspondent in the News

Here's the Political Roundtable segment from Sunday's "Session '09 In-depth," this week featuring Jay Root of the Associated Press, Republican consultant Matt Mackowiak, and me. After the show, KXAN's Jenny Hoff jokingly called this combination the Three Stooges. She claimed this was only because we were crowded in so closely.

Your assignment, if you choose to accept it: which stooge is which?

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200 years of misery

Texas Senator Rodney Ellis has been fighting the good fight for years on ensuring that the innocent are not convicted and sent to prison. And when the system fails and the innocent are convicted, Ellis fights to ensure that the errors are corrected, and that lessons are learned.

Earlier this week on the floor of the Senate, Ellis introduced several men, later found to be innocent of the crimes for which they were convicted, who had spent more than a collective 200 years in prison.

It escaped no one's attention that all but one of the men is African-American. It was a moment which made all but the most hard-assed in the Senate stop and think.

But not everybody. Related legislation currently pending in the Senate on this subject is meeting with resistance. Why, I can't imagine, but the shortcomings in our society, as reflected in our justice system, are obvious, highlighted here as only The Onion can.



As ridiculous as the parody is, it's one of those "laugh to keep from crying" situations, which through humor shines a light on a very real and serious problem. That day in the Senate, Ellis talked about one man who was innocently convicted who was not present. The man couldn't make it - his death while in prison made that impossible.

We all know that if you're a conservative Republican legislator, you're supposed to be tough on crime, even if it's not a personal priority for you. We get it. Your failure to do so would result in a backlash against you from your Republican primary voters.

So fine, be tough on crime - but also realize that in the case of those sent to prison for crimes they did not commit, the real crime was committed by the State of Texas, and the real victims are sitting in jail.

And that combined 200 years those innocent men spent in prison? That's longer than the combined service in the Texas Senate of Senators Wentworth, Shapleigh, West, Gallegos, Carona, Duncan, Fraser, Shapiro, Ogden, Jackson, Van de Putte, Estes, Averitt, Hinojosa, Deuell, Williams, Eltife, Seliger, Uresti, Hegar, Nichols, Patrick, Watson, Huffman, and Davis.

Those Senators worked hard to get where they are. Those innocent men worked harder, and longer, to get out of where we put them.

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Who says Republicans are stuck in a rut?

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Newspaper headline of the day

Probably spurred by sagging circulation numbers, it appears that newspaper headlines are getting more interesting.

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April Fools Blog

Letters From Texas Worldwide Headquarters is pleased to present to you, the crap-reading public, this little April Fools Day cartoon, starring Ted Delisi and yours truly:

This has been your Letters From Texas Worldwide Headquarters April Fools Day cartoon.

And oh yeah, if there's something about the mast head (that's what SHE said!) you don't like today, it's your fault. Readers nominated it, and readers voted for it from among the nominations. 38 percent of blog voters picked "Harold Cook's Stimulus Package" as the blog name today.

Tying for second with 17 percent apiece were "Burnt Porn Report" and "The Bastard Son of Martha Stewart." Coming in at 15 percent was "In the Stink," and bringing up the rear was "Straus of Ill Repute" at 7 percent.

I'm afraid this exercise settles, once and for all, questions regarding the caliber of readers on this site, as well as the caliber of the writing.

The regular mast head will return tomorrow. Meanwhile, on to bigger and better things, namely, wrapping April Fools Day gifts, singing April Fools Day carols, and decorating the April Fools Day tree.

Special note to Texas legislators: how's that April Fools Day state holiday legislation coming? Anybody ever talk 'em into getting the fiscal note on that thing down to a reasonable level?

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