To: My Health Insurance Carrier
From: Rick Perry
Subject: Changes to my Health Insurance Policy
Because of that nasty little rash last month, you will no doubt recall that you are the health insurance provider for my family and me. Thanks for being so responsive – the itching was driving me nuts. Also, please keep that under your hat, I know you understand.
However, as you’ve probably read in the papers, this National health care reform thing really gets my tightie whities in a bunch. I don’t know where Obama and those pesky Congressional Democrats get off.
I’m a firm believer in some stuff. As a stuff believer, I think change, frankly, is bad. I’ve always believed it was bad for Texas, but the more I think about it, the more I know change is bad for me too.
I know that under the reform bill, most of the Texans to whom I’ve denied health insurance for all these years are soon going to have access to affordable health care, and that’s bad enough. I mean, I’ve got a great health care plan through the state, so what’s the big deal? What really gets me even more riled up is that the reform legislation will change my own health care coverage.
Therefore, I request that the following changes to my own health insurance policy NOT be put into effect. These are all changes mandated by the Federal health care reform legislation which will be effective immediately or over the next few months.
1. My kids were cut off from my policy when they reached 21. Under the new plan, they could stay on my plan until they’re 26. I don’t like that. I want them to pay through the nose – it builds character. Plus I’m still pretty miffed about that whoopee cushion stunt they pulled in the middle of my dinner party with Glenn Beck. Leave ‘em off my policy.
3. I have a “blind” trust, since I’m the Governor and all. Some of the holdings in the trust may include small businesses. Please direct those businesses to not accept the new tax credits available to make it more affordable to provide their employees health insurance. They’re probably lazy and should probably be laid off immediately before Christmas later this year anyway.4. I’m all about good business practices, so I completely understand the desire of a commercial health plan to drop my coverage in the event I ever get sick, so please ignore the new prohibition against doing that sort of thing for my own health plan. Don’t worry, I’ll figure something out – I know people. And speaking of good business practices, that new requirement that 80-85 percent of what people pay in premiums be used on actual health care? As far as I’m concerned, you deserve a heftier profit than that – you can keep the change.
5. What’s up with the legislation increasing the number of primary care doctors? We have too many doctors now, and every damn one of ‘em opposed me in my 2002 re-election. So screw that – don’t add them. If I have trouble getting in to see a doctor when I get sick, it’s a small price to pay for doctors annoying me.
6. Under the reform plan, you’re required to provide preventive care without requiring a co-payment, and also to exempt preventive care from deductibles. I think this is wrong – I consider paying out of my pocket to help you make a fat profit to be my patriotic duty, and I intend to keep doing it. Plus, if the Democrats dreamed it up, it must be bad.
7. Except for my hair, I’m not getting any younger, so I’m already concerned about this new commie move to do away with Medicare co-payments and high deductibles for preventive care. I want to pay high deductibles and co-payments, as should all good patriots. So ignore that – make sure they keep charging me.
8. Speaking of Medicare, if I ever get to the “donut hole” threshold, just let it ride, despite the reform legislation closing the gap. I’d rather go broke paying the entire cost of my prescription drugs than have to admit the Democrats solved a serious problem.
9. This health care coverage for early retirees required under the legislation? I don’t want it. If Bill White beats me this fall and I become one of those so-called “early retirees,” I’m just going to get hired by Fox News like everybody else anyway. I’ll just jump on their group policy.
10. The new ban on lifetime and annual coverage limits is wrong-headed – it would just encourage me to get cancer, since under the health care legislation I could afford that kind of extravagance. Keep my limits in place, and if I ever hit a limit because of a catastrophic illness, dismiss me like a bad waiter. It’s the American way.
Thanks in advance for your prompt attention to this matter.
PS: just chatted with my BFF Greg Abbott. Same goes for him.
[and, of course, Rick Perry will never send this memo, and Greg Abbott wouldn't join him in it. Perry and Abbott want the benefits of health care reform in their own health coverage - they just don't want other Texans to be well-covered, or covered at all, like Perry and Abbott already are. It's a shame they are both putting their need to grandstand ahead of the needs of Texas families]
Poor effort, FUB. Not enough bad grammar and it shoulda been written in crayon. And no mention of Jeeeeeeeeeee-zus?!?
outstanding.
Stellar satire. Don’t know how many folks in the Lone Star State will see this, but I hope it’s lots! Are you channeling Molly Ivens?
How can I post this up on Facebook? Does it have to be thru Twitter? I would love to set the record straight in a humourous way with your “memo letter from the Governor”.
Or you could always just read Mr Perry’s actual statement. I can’t find that line where he mentions liking stuff and since he is a stuff liker then.. This is piss poor satire. Poorly done.
“Unfortunately, the health care vote had more to do with expanding socialism on American soil than it does fixing our health care finance and delivery systems. The Obama health care bill undermines patient choice, personal responsibility, medical innovation and fiscal responsibility in America.
“As passed by the U.S. House, the bill will cost Texas taxpayers billions more, and drive our nation much deeper into debt. Congress’s backroom deals and parliamentary maneuvers undermined the public trust and increased cynicism in our political process.
“Texas leaders will continue to do everything in our power to fight this federal excess and find ways to protect our families, taxpayers and medical providers from this gross federal overreach.”
It isn’t even funny.
Hey, thanks for dropping by the blog, governor!
“Or you could always just read Mr Perry’s actual statement.”
Oh gee, more political grand-standing by the governor of TX without any facts, figures, or actual proof to back his ridiculous claims. Let’s not forget that TX also has one of the highest percentages of uninsured citizens in the country. Or that some of Perry’s largest contributors were healthcare companies and lobbying groups.
Speaking as a Texan, Rick Perry hasn’t done squat to help the average Texan or help bring it into the 21st century. Any improvements have come to TX in spite of him rather than through him.
Anonymous is one of the best “cut and paste” posters I’ve ever seen. Sure beats thinkin’!
my autistic grandmother could come up with better smack. weak.
Gosh, until this moment, It never occurred to me that autism might be hereditary.
Do you think granny inherited ANON’s ignorance, too?