To: My Health Insurance Carrier
From: Rick Perry
Subject: Changes to my Health Insurance Policy
Because of that nasty little rash last month, you will no doubt recall that you are the health insurance provider for my family and me. Thanks for being so responsive – the itching was driving me nuts. Also, please keep that under your hat, I know you understand.
However, as you’ve probably read in the papers, this National health care reform thing really gets my tightie whities in a bunch. I don’t know where Obama and those pesky Congressional Democrats get off.
I’m a firm believer in some stuff. As a stuff believer, I think change, frankly, is bad. I’ve always believed it was bad for Texas, but the more I think about it, the more I know change is bad for me too.
I know that under the reform bill, most of the Texans to whom I’ve denied health insurance for all these years are soon going to have access to affordable health care, and that’s bad enough. I mean, I’ve got a great health care plan through the state, so what’s the big deal? What really gets me even more riled up is that the reform legislation will change my own health care coverage.
Therefore, I request that the following changes to my own health insurance policy NOT be put into effect. These are all changes mandated by the Federal health care reform legislation which will be effective immediately or over the next few months.
1. My kids were cut off from my policy when they reached 21. Under the new plan, they could stay on my plan until they’re 26. I don’t like that. I want them to pay through the nose – it builds character. Plus I’m still pretty miffed about that whoopee cushion stunt they pulled in the middle of my dinner party with Glenn Beck. Leave ‘em off my policy.
4. I’m all about good business practices, so I completely understand the desire of a commercial health plan to drop my coverage in the event I ever get sick, so please ignore the new prohibition against doing that sort of thing for my own health plan. Don’t worry, I’ll figure something out – I know people. And speaking of good business practices, that new requirement that 80-85 percent of what people pay in premiums be used on actual health care? As far as I’m concerned, you deserve a heftier profit than that – you can keep the change.
5. What’s up with the legislation increasing the number of primary care doctors? We have too many doctors now, and every damn one of ‘em opposed me in my 2002 re-election. So screw that – don’t add them. If I have trouble getting in to see a doctor when I get sick, it’s a small price to pay for doctors annoying me.
6. Under the reform plan, you’re required to provide preventive care without requiring a co-payment, and also to exempt preventive care from deductibles. I think this is wrong – I consider paying out of my pocket to help you make a fat profit to be my patriotic duty, and I intend to keep doing it. Plus, if the Democrats dreamed it up, it must be bad.
7. Except for my hair, I’m not getting any younger, so I’m already concerned about this new commie move to do away with Medicare co-payments and high deductibles for preventive care. I want to pay high deductibles and co-payments, as should all good patriots. So ignore that – make sure they keep charging me.
8. Speaking of Medicare, if I ever get to the “donut hole” threshold, just let it ride, despite the reform legislation closing the gap. I’d rather go broke paying the entire cost of my prescription drugs than have to admit the Democrats solved a serious problem.
9. This health care coverage for early retirees required under the legislation? I don’t want it. If Bill White beats me this fall and I become one of those so-called “early retirees,” I’m just going to get hired by Fox News like everybody else anyway. I’ll just jump on their group policy.
10. The new ban on lifetime and annual coverage limits is wrong-headed – it would just encourage me to get cancer, since under the health care legislation I could afford that kind of extravagance. Keep my limits in place, and if I ever hit a limit because of a catastrophic illness, dismiss me like a bad waiter. It’s the American way.
Thanks in advance for your prompt attention to this matter.
PS: just chatted with my BFF Greg Abbott. Same goes for him.
[and, of course, Rick Perry will never send this memo, and Greg Abbott wouldn’t join him in it. Perry and Abbott want the benefits of health care reform in their own health coverage – they just don’t want other Texans to be well-covered, or covered at all, like Perry and Abbott already are. It’s a shame they are both putting their need to grandstand ahead of the needs of Texas families]