To: Governor Perry
From: Your Strategic Team
Subject: Debate Prep
Governor, you have asked that we forward our recommendations regarding how best to prepare you for debates against Bill White. On reflection, we feel we owe you a big apology.
You see, when we advised you to stick with the attack messages “liberal trial lawyer” and “bad Houston mayor,” we were all feeling very clever, since White has never practiced any appreciable liberal trial law, and the Houstonians he served are happy as clams with his service as mayor. And the sheep capitol press corps covering the race keep repeating the charges, since it’s what we continuously hand-feed them.
However, now that the subject of debates has come up, we realize that we made a big mistake. Nowhere in the “liberal trial lawyer – bad Houston mayor” message did we think to include any actual verbs. Clearly there cannot be a debate without a complete sentence, and one cannot have a complete sentence without a verb. Since it would take us months to teach you a few verbs (none of which are “secede”) we now must recommend that we weasel out of debating Mayor White at all.
This is kind of where we were heading anyway, based on our strongly-held opinion that in a head-to-head debate, Bill White would beat you like an ugly red-headed stepchild anyway.
Lucky for you, we have contingency plans. All we have to do is predicate our debate participation on Mayor White doing something first.
Since we’ve been bludgeoning him half to death over his failure to release his tax returns in the exact same way we haven’t released ours, we believe we should tell the sheep reporters that we won’t debate White until after he releases his tax returns.
However, hiding behind Bill White’s tax returns isn’t likely to last forever. Therefore, here is a top ten list of other excuses we can use in our continuing efforts to avoid losing a debate to White:
10. we will not debate Bill White until after he either gets a toupee or grows his hair long enough to have a Donald Trump comb-over.
9. we will not debate Bill White until after he agrees to provide us with Barack Obama’s actual birth certificate from Kenya.
8. we will not debate Bill White until after he wins the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes
7. we will not debate Bill White until after he makes an appearance on “Dancing with the Stars”
6. we will not debate Bill White until after he tells a state trooper “adios, mo-fo” after being caught breaking traffic laws
5. we will not debate Bill White until after he marries Carole Strayhorn like everybody else
4. we will not debate Bill White until after he agrees to help us pretend he was ever a real trial lawyer
3. we will not debate Bill White until after he agrees to pretend he was stuck in traffic and not show up to the debate we agreed to
2. we will not debate Bill White until after he gets the endorsement of that hot babe on the Progressive insurance commercials…if he can’t even get the “Progressive” endorsement, he’s not a serious candidate
1. we will not debate Bill White until after he helps us pretend that his campaign manager, whose name is Michael Moore, is that Michael Moore.