Archive | May, 2010

I haven’t blogged about the Houston disAstros all season

I still haven’t.

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I must reluctantly admit that Idaho isn’t terrible

I have a dirty little secret. I like Idaho. Always have. It’s cool there. Beautiful mountains. Great trout streams. Even major earthquakes don’t seem to kill anybody. Yeah, sure, I realize that the entire state is infested with the residents of Idaho – I guess they couldn’t keep ’em out, so maybe they should have passed an Arizona plan, but just to keep the Idaho citizens out of Idaho. But I like Idaho anyway.

My sister lives in Idaho, but she’s not one of those people. You know the ones I’m talking about. The ones who adore Sarah Palin, except for the ones don’t like Sarah Palin because they think she is too liberal.

However, Idaho has now somewhat redeemed itself by resoundingly rejecting the Palin-endorsed candidate in the Republican primary for the 1st Congressional district, to a slightly less weird Republican.

So, pat yourselves on the backs, Republicans of Idaho. You thus become yet another state with Republicans slightly less wacky than Texas’. Any state in which Sarah Palin’s opinion seems to mean nothing is alright in my book.

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It sucks to be you

I bet that most Governors in major populated states think they have pretty tough jobs.

Have you ever wondered what Rick Perry would say about it privately, if he could say what he really thinks?

Yeah, some friends of mine and I wondered about that too. Enjoy.

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Testing the truth test

Gardner Selby is practically the same guy as Al Franken, just with a fraction of the good looks and humor, and twice the made-up vocabulary.

The bandwidth on the Statesman website occupied by PolitiFact Texas would be better used for slideshows of readers’ cat photos.

PolitiFact Texas is the end-all, be-all final arbiter of all political truth in Texas, and certainly not merely the opinion of a few random people.

Efforts to re-name “PolitiFact Texas” to “Gotcha, Mo-fo!” were thwarted by Cox Newspapers middle management.

PolitiFact Texas interviewed God and confirmed that Rick Perry was right about the oil spill.

Harvey Kronberg’s Quorum Report recently started linking to PolitiFact Texas – a strong indication that Kronberg has lost his rabbit-ass mind.

Long-time readers of this blog who have wondered when FUBAR would get in big trouble are thinking that today’s the day.

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Anybody can make a simple mistake


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Interoffice Memorandum

From: The President of Little, Brown, and Company, Book Publishers

To: The People who Pick Which Fiction Books to Publish

Subject: Fiction Books with Republican Governors

We haven’t had a best-seller in way too long. I hate to micro-manage, but none of you have come up with any decent ideas lately, but I’ve been doing some focus groups, and it turns out that our customers will eat up any drivel we crank out about Republican governors. So here’s what we’re going to do.

Get one of our authors to write a book about politics and sex. Have him make up a fictional Republican governor named, lets say, Mark Sanford. Have him claim to his family, his staff, and the public, that he’s hiking the Appalachian Trail, only to be exposed for using it as cover so he can continue his affair with some exotic figure. Give it some international flair, I don’t care what – hell send him to Argentina, I don’t give a damn. Make sure it ruins his career, we need this to be tragic.

Wait, that’s not quite enough – I know it’s a stretch, but just about the time readers think the mystery is solved, introduce a new character, maybe somebody who is running to replace Governor Sanford. Make sure she’s a total hottie, in case we can scam some movie rights for this trash some day. Then out of the blue, have the former press secretary to the Sanford character suddenly claim that he once had an affair with the new character. Be sure the new character is the front-runner in the race as this bombshell hits, maybe because she’s endorsed by yet another Republican Governor – call her “Sarah Palin,” who is, let’s say, wildly popular among Republicans nation-wide, but nobody knows why because she’s as dumb as a box of rocks. Make the Palin character kind of hot too – you know, the movie rights thing.

I know this sounds perfectly absurd and unbelievable, but I have faith that our books’ readers are gullible and will believe absolutely anything they read.

Here’s an idea for a second book we need to have waiting in the wings, in case the first one takes off: have one of our people write about some fictional governor of a wacked-out Southern state – Texas is the obvious choice. Make him one of those gun-toting rootin’ tootin’ kind of guys. You can even make sure he hints around at seceding from the United States – you know, one of those deals in which it doesn’t matter what dumbass thing he does to embarrass himself, the hits just keep on coming. You can even throw stuff in about him claiming to shoot coyotes while jogging, when there are conveniently no witnesses to disprove the tale. We need a bit of mystery in the story, so throw in there that somebody burns down the Governor’s mansion, then turn that into an opportunity for this guy to do something else absurd

We could have yet another Republican Governor


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Dear Joe Biden:

After years of deeply admiring your life story, your triumph over personal adversity, your leadership in the U.S. Senate, and your victory in the 2008 elections, I must reluctantly conclude that your performance as Vice President of the United States is, in plain language, falling short.

Pictured (from left): Obama, unidentified rodent

I can think of no greater example of this than this incident.

Dick Cheney would have quickly and decisively taken care of this situation, While true that he might have winged 3 reporters, 2 sound techs, and a White House butler in the process, you have to break a few eggs to make an omelette.

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I love the video, but there are Japanese soldiers hiding in that beard who have not been informed that the war is over.

Originally posted on MeanRachel’s blog.

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Dear Austin City Council:

Both the Hood County Republican Party and the Burleson Tea Party have announced a boycott of Austin, in retaliation for the City of Austin announcing its own boycott of Arizona.

Our secret plan to keep annoying people from Hood County and Burleson out of Austin is working perfectly. Keep up the good work.

PS: is there any way you can see your way clear to getting the entire state of Oklahoma to boycott Austin too?

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Substance versus swagger, mansion style

The Associated Press wrote a detailed accounting of Rick Perry’s massive rental mansion expenses this morning, and it’s pretty stunning, especially in light of most Texans tightening their families’ budgets in a slow economy.

I’m sure you will develop your very own favorite of Perry’s unnecessary expense – there are many in the AP story from which to choose.

My favorite extravagance? The $700 clothes rack. In a state with an $18 billion budget shortfall. In a state where many Texans don’t have $700 worth of clothes.

Here’s a stunning money-saving idea: get rid of the $700 clothes rack, or better yet sell it on Craig’s List.

Meanwhile you can replace it with this, which you can get for free from any dry cleaner in town:

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Vote for me or I’ll shoot your ass

You gotta hand it to this clown – he crams more Republican-esque stuff into a TV ad than I could have imagined.

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The funniest take on Glenn Beck ever

I love me some Lewis Black.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c
Back in Black – Glenn Beck’s Nazi Tourette’s
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

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Texas News Briefs

Ag Commissioner candidates trade barbs over oil spill

Yesterday, Democratic Ag Commissioner Candidate Hank Gilbert pounded incumbent Republican Todd Staples for failing to do anything to prepare Texas shrimpers for the possibility that the gulf oil slick could devastate the Texas shrimping industry.

Springing into action, Staples’ office quickly released a contingency plan to deal with the environmental crisis in the event the oil reaches the Texas coast.

Staples plan of action includes the distribution of tens of thousands of salad spinners and countless gallons of Dawn dishwashing liquid to coastal residents to clean the shrimp one-by-one. Staples office reports that they have already stockpiled thousands of barrels of Dawn dishwashing liquid in a warehouse on Galveston Bay.

In the event that doesn’t work, Staples also released a simple recipe for preparing the shrimp, marinating them in butter and garlic, and sauteing them in virgin heavy crude oil.

For his part, Texas Land Commissioner Jerry Patterson, whose office is charged with oil spill prevention and clean-up, announced his own plan to shoot the oil spill in the event it approaches Texas beaches.

Campaign finance totals released

Campaign finance reports released today revealed that incumbent Agriculture Commissioner Todd Staples has widened the fundraising lead against Democratic nominee Hank Gilbert.

While Gilbert reported about $100,000 cash-on-hand, Staples’ campaign reports showed almost a million dollars.

A quick look at Staples report showed that he has received several thousand dollars in low dollar contributions, and two startlingly-large $400,000 contributions. These generous donations were made by the Dawn Dishwashing Liquid Company, and Salad Spinners, Incorporated.

Neither campaigns could be reached for comment.

Mysterious substance spilled in Galveston Bay

While all eyes remain focused on the massive oil slick threatening the Gulf Coast, U.S. Coast Guard officials quietly reported a massive spill of some unidentified chemical in Galveston Bay. A Coast Guard spokesman described the substance as “blue and bubbly,” and said that a warehouse on the bay seems to be the source.

A spokesman for the Galveston Tourism Council said that the substance doesn’t seem to be harming marine life so far, but that many fishermen and water skiers are reporting dishpan hands. The spokesman added that some area residents are actually happy that the bay waters seem to finally have that blue color the local Chamber of Commerce has been lying about in promotional brochures for decades.

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Florida legislation toadally meets with cat-astrophe

Florida lawmakers formed an ad hawk committee to study the issue. They all said they loved the legislation deerly, but apparently after hogging the limelight, they were lion. They were afraid crabby voters unclear on the porpoise would have a cow, so they ducked the issue. The bill sponsor, reportedly an ass, got out-foxed, and now legislators feel sheepish and look like chickens. They’re probably a bunch of cheetahs.

Here’s the story, right from the horse’s mouth.

I hope ewe bear no eel will for this, although you otter.

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FUBAR-Cam update

My friend Kate Fain was cleaning out a bookshelf and found this gem
from the 1952 election. Apparently it didn’t catch on since the
Democrats lost the Presidential election that year.

I’m going to borrow the booklet from her soon and will share whatever
hilariously-outdated quotes I might find.

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