Miya Shay, of Houston’s KTRK-TV, reported on an illegal anonymous Republican scam to dupe African-American voters in Houston into not voting a straight Democratic ticket. The anonymous door hangers falsely explain to voters that all they must do to vote a straight Democratic ticket is to cast their vote for Bill White. This, of course, is designed to cheat voters out of casting their ballot for any down-ballot Democrat.
I applaud Channel 13’s efforts to educate voters and explain to them that the only way to cast a straight Democratic ticket vote is to show up in person at a polling place between now and Tuesday, November 2nd, sign in at the polling place, and mark your ballot for a straight Democratic ticket vote.
It is unfortunate, however, that Channel 13 only explained the process for Democrats. As a public service to you, the crap-reading public, Letters From Texas Worldwide HQ, Public Affairs Division, will now explain the process for other voters. Please feel free to clip and save.
Republican Party voters: in order to streamline the process and make it more convenient for you to vote a straight Republican ticket vote, Governor Perry has inked an arrangement with Facebook. So please, do NOT go to a polling place, either during the early voting period or on election day. Instead, you will be receiving an email notification from Facebook inviting you to install the “Let’s Vote!” Facebook application. Once installed, not only can you cast your vote from the comfort of your own computer without ever leaving the house, but you can also remind your Republican friends to vote via Facebook as well! Nothing could be easier – and it’s just a little “thank you” gift from Governor Rick Perry, the social media candidate!
Libertarian Party voters: instead of voting on Tuesday, November 2, your designated day to vote is Wednesday, November 3. This has been done to afford you the convenience of not having to stand in long lines on the regular election day. So please go to your neighborhood polling place the day after the normal election day to cast your ballot for the Libertarian Party!
Green Party voters: there’s great news for Green Party voters! The same people who fund Republican candidates, and who paid to get your candidates on the ballot in the first place, have been kind enough to fund the “voting fairies!” These voting fairies will actually come to your house, knock on your door, and hand you a ballot already pre-voted for all the Green Party candidates! All you have to do is sign it, and hand it back to the voting fairy. You, my friends, don’t have to do one damn thing! You know, same as the rest of this year! Just don’t get impatient – your voting fairy may not show up until close to 7 pm on election day, but don’t worry, they’ll be there!
I hope this clarifies the voting process for voting a straight ticket ballot for any political party in this election. This has been your Letters From Texas Public Service Announcement.
Note: this is a political satire blog. Do not take this seriously. Go vote, in person, at an actual polling place, by 7 pm on election day.