If you touch my junk, I’ll leave $50 on the dresser and give you coffee in the morning

Have you been felt up by the TSA yet?

More Americans are lashing out at the new full body scanners, and especially at the resulting intrusive pat-downs from false positives, as more airports move to the new level of airport security.

A blogger famously videotaped his experience with the pat-down, during which he told them, “if you touch my junk, I’ll have you arrested.” The comment led to him not being able to get on his flight. He was also detained at the airport for a while, and threatened with a $10,000 civil fine. Airport security had apparently insisted, even after he went back to the ticket counter and got a refund for his unused flight and had already given up on going anywhere that day, that he go through airport security prior to being allowed to leave the airport. Sheesh.

Sensing the presence of The Big Story, Letters From Texas, Investigative Reporting Division, went to the airport and attempted to go through security. We are horrified to report to you, the crap-reading public, that we were completely and totally violated. So we went back a couple more times that week, hoping to be violated some more.

By the third trip, we arrived at the security line with flowers, candy, and a dry martini to put on the conveyor belt, with Sinatra playing softly on the ipod, hoping to break the ice. But apparently the TSA employee was just not that into us. And who can blame ’em – those rubber gloves totally kill the mood.

Nate Silver says the backlash against the new security procedures is probably over-blown.

I’m guessing that at some point, TSA is going to snap to the fact that most of the airport passengers in a cranky mood because of intrusive security measures would be happy as clams with their experience, if the TSA employees had to line up for inspection, and the passenger got to pick which one gets to feel ’em up. Call it “The Nevada Security Plan.”

Meanwhile, I also pity the poor TSA employees, who probably end their shifts with plenty of complaints of their own, because they had to feel up the junk of passengers who just aren’t their type.



2 Responses to If you touch my junk, I’ll leave $50 on the dresser and give you coffee in the morning

  1. IanicBreeze November 17, 2010 at 9:00 pm #

    You are now on THE list, buddy!

  2. Karl-Thomas Musselman November 17, 2010 at 11:12 pm #

    It would appear I have something to look forward to on my travels in December. Though it might mean I don’t have to pick a line based upon how fast it’s moving but rather who’s wearing those blue gloves on the other side…

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