From the speechwriter's office
To: Governor Perry
From: Speechwriter's Office
Re: Your Monday Speech
Governor, you have asked that we edit your draft remarks for your possible appearance Monday at the "Hands Off Texas" rally in Austin. As you know, the rally is an attempt to compete for message, against the Texas visit of President Obama.
While the earlier draft you sent us was certainly interesting, we simply cannot advise you to say what you actually think! Therefore we have made some edits so that your remarks will more closely be tailored to your audience. We hope you agree, and that you can approve the following edits:
Good afternoon, fellow really really white people patriots! How does my hair look are you doing today?
It's so good to be with you today, particularly because President Obama is in Texas dragging the feed bag to help the Democrats defeat me bringing his brand of evil commie pinko socialism to our fair state.
I, for one, will continue to beg for as much federal funding as humanly possible, while at the same time complaining about the people handing it out speak out against the atrocities perpetrated by this liberal administration.
Your support is annoying important. Because you frightened me half to death over that Debra Medina crap of your activism, together we have marched arm-in-arm to fight against Washington liberals hell-bent on providing affordable health care to the people I wouldn't destroying our way of life.
No longer can I get away with constantly applying for Federal funds will we stand idly by while the Washington elite dictates Texas policy.
I simply cannot accept - and it is a deep embarrassment - that I'm losing to a balding guy with comically big ears the President has the nerve to show up in Texas.
Now, I know there are those who actually know what they're talking about and claim we have a huge budget deficit here in Texas. But I'm here to tell you that we're totally screwed we Texans can handle it!
Texans understand that under my administration, my friends and I have gotten rich, filthy stinkin' rich, and we're not sorry Texas has fared well. And they know I've taken credit for all measure of crap I don't even understand been the reason why.
That's why I need you to send me more money, since Bill White is beating the dog snot out of me in fundraising support my efforts in re-election.
That's why I need you to ignore the fact that my hour with you here today is the only hour of work I'm doing all week tell your friends and co-workers about our success here in Texas.
Thank you so much for all the right-wing crap you put into the Republican platform, thus proving once and for all that you are absolutely out of your rabbit-ass minds you do for Texas!
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