Dispatcher: Thank you for calling 9-11, what’s your emergency?
Caller: I need help immediately! Can you help me please??
Dispatcher: Yes sir, what is your name and where are you calling from please?
Caller: What do you mean who am I? This is your Governor, Rick Perry. I’m calling from my office, you snit.
Dispatcher: Yes Governor Perry, what’s the nature of your emergency please?
Caller: I saw a guy walking down the road. I’m pretty sure he’s a Mexican, he was carrying a weed eater and everything. I watched a cop car drive right by, and they didn’t give him a second look. Clearly we have a sanctuary city situation in progress. I need somebody on this immediately!
Dispatcher: Was this man injured in any way?
Caller: No, but…
Dispatcher: Was he acting in a threatening manner?
Caller: That’s not the point.
Dispatcher: Is the man on fire perhaps? They’re telling me there may be a fire somewhere, are you witnessing a fire?
Caller: You’re missing my point. The fact that he’s here and the cops didn’t stop and check him out constitutes an emergency!
Dispatcher: was the man acting suspiciously at all?
Caller: Did you hear the part about the weed eater?
Dispatcher: Sir, with all due respect, you’re not describing an emergency situation. And I’m afraid I can’t hold this line any longer, there’s a fire alarm coming in at….
Caller: Hold on, hold on, that’s not the only reason I called – there’s another emergency too.
Dispatcher: Oh, go ahead please.
Caller: Well, there’s this town, and they’re going to build a road…
Dispatcher: Build a road? Right now?
Caller: Well no, not right now, it’s planned for five years from now. But I hear that in order to build it, they’re going to buy this old guy’s property, and they’re already arguing about what it might be worth…
Dispatcher: Sir, let me stop you right now. That’s not an emergency either. And really, they’re telling me this fire has progressed to a second alarm and I really must get…
Caller: WAIT – ok here’s something else: the Federal Government’s budget isn’t balanced. You need to tell them to cut that crap out, because…
Dispatcher: Mr. Perry, really, you can’t be calling 9-11 with things that don’t constitute emergencies…we’ve got this fire raging and I really need to…
Caller: Damn it, you’re not listening to me. OK, look, you HAVE to help me on this one: I heard there’s somebody voting illegally. I need you to stop that right now before he and his friends screw up the whole election.
Dispatcher: Oh, why didn’t you say so? We can send an officer right now. This is in progress as we speak, right?
Caller: Well, no.
Dispatcher: Oh? When did this happen?
Caller: I don’t know.
Dispatcher: Any idea where it happened, or how many people are involved?
Caller: No idea at all, but damn it, you’re missing the point again. I don’t even know if it’s happened yet, and I’ve had the entire dad-gum Attorney General’s office working on it for 8 years and those numb nuts haven’t come up with anything, I only know you need to stop it immediately before it happens again!
Dispatcher: …so you’re saying it’s going to happen, and we need to intervene immediately?
Caller: NOW you’ve got it, can you send somebody over?
Dispatcher: That sounds reasonable; election fraud is a crime after all. When is the next state election – is it today?
Caller: Uh…it’s in November.
Dispatcher: November?? Sir, are you aware this is January?
Caller: Don’t be a smart-ass or I’ll have your job. Of course I know it’s January.
Dispatcher: Sir you cannot possibly call something an emergency if you cannot identify that a crime has been committed, when it isn’t even possible to commit a crime of that nature for another ten months.
Dispatcher: Mr. Perry, with all due respect, you keep calling things emergencies that aren’t, and I’m very sorry but I’m going to have to terminate this call now.
Caller: Why? Is that fire completely out of control or what?
Dispatcher: No sir, that house already burned down, you never gave me the opportunity to send the fire department. I have to terminate the call because my supervisor just informed me that because of state budget cuts I’ve just been laid off.
Caller: Jesus H. Christ-On-A-Freakin-Crutch, state budget cuts??! As if THAT’S important! What the hell does it take to get some service around he……