The Governor’s emergencies

Dispatcher: Thank you for calling 9-11, what’s your emergency?

Caller: I need help immediately! Can you help me please??

Dispatcher: Yes sir, what is your name and where are you calling from please?

Caller: What do you mean who am I? This is your Governor, Rick Perry. I’m calling from my office, you snit.

Dispatcher: Yes Governor Perry, what’s the nature of your emergency please?

Caller: I saw a guy walking down the road. I’m pretty sure he’s a Mexican, he was carrying a weed eater and everything. I watched a cop car drive right by, and they didn’t give him a second look. Clearly we have a sanctuary city situation in progress. I need somebody on this immediately!

Dispatcher: Was this man injured in any way?

Caller: No, but…

Dispatcher: Was he acting in a threatening manner?

Caller: That’s not the point.

Dispatcher: Is the man on fire perhaps? They’re telling me there may be a fire somewhere, are you witnessing a fire?

Caller: You’re missing my point. The fact that he’s here and the cops didn’t stop and check him out constitutes an emergency!

Dispatcher: was the man acting suspiciously at all?

Caller: Did you hear the part about the weed eater?

Dispatcher: Sir, with all due respect, you’re not describing an emergency situation. And I’m afraid I can’t hold this line any longer, there’s a fire alarm coming in at….

Caller: Hold on, hold on, that’s not the only reason I called – there’s another emergency too.

Dispatcher: Oh, go ahead please.

Caller: Well, there’s this town, and they’re going to build a road…

Dispatcher: Build a road? Right now?

Caller: Well no, not right now, it’s planned for five years from now. But I hear that in order to build it, they’re going to buy this old guy’s property, and they’re already arguing about what it might be worth…

Dispatcher: Sir, let me stop you right now. That’s not an emergency either. And really, they’re telling me this fire has progressed to a second alarm and I really must get…

Caller: WAIT – ok here’s something else: the Federal Government’s budget isn’t balanced. You need to tell them to cut that crap out, because…

Dispatcher: Mr. Perry, really, you can’t be calling 9-11 with things that don’t constitute emergencies…we’ve got this fire raging and I really need to…

Caller: Damn it, you’re not listening to me. OK, look, you HAVE to help me on this one: I heard there’s somebody voting illegally. I need you to stop that right now before he and his friends screw up the whole election.

Dispatcher: Oh, why didn’t you say so? We can send an officer right now. This is in progress as we speak, right?

Caller: Well, no.

Dispatcher: Oh? When did this happen?

Caller: I don’t know.

Dispatcher: Any idea where it happened, or how many people are involved?

Caller: No idea at all, but damn it, you’re missing the point again. I don’t even know if it’s happened yet, and I’ve had the entire dad-gum Attorney General’s office working on it for 8 years and those numb nuts haven’t come up with anything, I only know you need to stop it immediately before it happens again!

Dispatcher: …so you’re saying it’s going to happen, and we need to intervene immediately?

Caller: NOW you’ve got it, can you send somebody over?

Dispatcher: That sounds reasonable; election fraud is a crime after all. When is the next state election – is it today?

Caller: Uh…it’s in November.

Dispatcher: November?? Sir, are you aware this is January?

Caller: Don’t be a smart-ass or I’ll have your job. Of course I know it’s January.

Dispatcher: Sir you cannot possibly call something an emergency if you cannot identify that a crime has been committed, when it isn’t even possible to commit a crime of that nature for another ten months.

Caller: But…

Dispatcher: Mr. Perry, with all due respect, you keep calling things emergencies that aren’t, and I’m very sorry but I’m going to have to terminate this call now.

Caller: Why? Is that fire completely out of control or what?

Dispatcher: No sir, that house already burned down, you never gave me the opportunity to send the fire department. I have to terminate the call because my supervisor just informed me that because of state budget cuts I’ve just been laid off.

Caller: Jesus H. Christ-On-A-Freakin-Crutch, state budget cuts??! As if THAT’S important! What the hell does it take to get some service around he……




4 Responses to The Governor’s emergencies

  1. Fast Eddie January 21, 2011 at 2:15 pm #

    Help, we do have a real emergency. Friggin’ Rick Perry is still our Governor. Can someone put that out? One of your best, Harold.

  2. whiskeydent January 21, 2011 at 3:47 pm #

    Ya’ know FUB, looks to me that Rick’s handling the budget fire about as well he handled the mansion fire.

  3. Anonymous January 21, 2011 at 9:17 pm #

    Don’t you idiots listen? Repeat after me: THERE. IS. NO. BUDGET. EMERGENCY. At least not if you’re living in a $9,500/mo. rental that you don’t have to pay for. As my friend Sam suggests, we’ve surely got enough money to buy Venetian blinds for the sides of most of our urban bridges so we can stick all our poor people under there so we can’t see them and be reminded of stuff like poverty that the free market will no doubt fix eventually. God bless Texas, and God bless the poor folks.

  4. madmarshin January 25, 2011 at 5:28 pm #


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