Austin Weather Briefs

Austin area schools condemned for failing to drastically over-react to weather

Many parents of school-age children strongly criticized Austin-area schools for failing to close in the face of what appeared to be a possible single flake of snow Wednesday.

Area schools’ failure to close during unseasonably cold temperatures this morning created a total gridlock of parents and their school-age children attempting to go about the exact same routine they do every morning.

Man shoveling snow, only
944 miles from Austin

“This is ridiculous,” said one student. “I don’t see why we have to be in school today. Sure, it might be 70 degrees inside my classroom, but look outside! It’s sort of cold out there!”

Weather forecasters say there’s little relief in sight for Central Texas residents, explaining that there is a 70 percent chance of continued slight discomfort for the remainder of the week.

ERCOT orders rolling blackouts as power grid exceeds generation capacity

ERCOT, the Electric Reliability Council of Texas which manages the state’s power grid, ordered continuing area rolling blackouts this morning, as the state’s electric power needs outpaced producers’ ability to provide the needed electricity.

While the blackouts were scheduled to last no longer than 45 minutes in any neighborhood, some were complaining of outages exceeding two hours.

“They cannot possibly expect me to survive under these conditions,” said one Austin woman, forced to go to work without blow-drying and Chi-straightening her hair, and who then reportedly suffered further indignity when her local Starbucks was unable to fill her usual order of triple grande caramel macchiato half-caf, with extra whip.

The University of Texas, however, has been spared the rolling blackouts, since the campus not only has it’s own generator system, but also recently acquired a state-of-the-art solar powered built-in butt cheek warmer in Longhorns head coach Mack Brown’s office chair, to protect his precious delicate ass.

While the state Capitol has not been spared power outages, authorities report that the building remains quite comfortable, explaining that for some reason, there seems to be an unlimited source of hot air originating from the building.

Weather woes force area seniors to bore grandkids with “when I was your age” stories

The Central Texas cold snap on Wednesday morning triggered area senior citizens to bore their grandchildren half to death with stories of cold snaps experienced during their own childhood.

“Why when I was your age, we were forced to walk to school in the snow every morning,” approximately 23,395 area schoolchildren reported their grandparents telling them this morning.

In a related story, police report a sharp spike in assaults against elderly people in Central Texas today, as younger family members are apparently pummeling them with iPods and Wii controllers in attempts to shut them up.



2 Responses to Austin Weather Briefs

  1. Whiskeydent February 2, 2011 at 5:32 pm #

    FUB, it wouldn’t surprise me if some gnome at Austin Energy has his finger hovering over the kill switch as he looks up your address. Keep your flashlight and blanket handy.

  2. Shanerrific February 2, 2011 at 5:50 pm #

    Thanks for the laugh! I needed that after what is usually a 25 minute drive in from Buda took me two hours and I spent most of it yelling “What the hell? Did you people not learn to take TURNS in preschool? What about stop signs in driving school?!”
    However, after having a few cups of coffee and scrambling to know how to handle 45 minutes of darkness that might come at any minute with a building of 2000 teenagers, I am much better.

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