Complaint Department, can we help you?

Note to readers: we here at Letters From Texas Worldwide Headquarters don’t just get complaint letters, we get fine quality celebrity complaint letters. The following priceless gem came in today from Mary Mapes, former long-time producer of CBS’ 60 Minutes, and author of Truth and Duty.

Harold Cook may be hazardous to your health.

I am writing this because I have very real concerns that this blog is dangerous to the physical safety of Texas progressives. And apparently, there aren’t that many of us out here, so the needless injury of even one of us is a danger to all of us.

The other night, Harold Cook’s thoughtless choice to post the dangerously funny Rick Perry lip-synch video led to my breaking a toe. I know I may have some responsibility, as well.

But he started it.

Mary Mapes:
Celebrity Complainer

Look, I’m childish. I’ll admit it. I like laughing uproariously at silly things. I am completely in touch with my inner 11-year-old boy, the goofy kid at the back of the class who can’t stop snickering when the science teacher begins talking about Uranus.

You know the type.

Anyway, Sunday night, I was in bed with my iPad, roaming mindlessly around the internets when I checked in with Letters From Texas.

Big mistake.

I clicked on the BadLipReading video of Rick Perry, where a Perry impersonator spouts a list of nonsensical words that it appears Perry is saying. At various points, Perry appears to be yelling “Hot Yella Kool-Aid,”  or murmuring “ice cream” apropos of nothing, or ending a triumphant speech with the ringing words “save a pretzel for the gas jets.”

I wish I could say I thought it was hilarious because it expanded on the already burgeoning meme that Rick Perry makes no sense, that he just spews.

But that wasn’t it at all.

It was just stupid funny. And I snorted and guffawed and wheezed and howled. Then I foolishly decided that I needed to send the link to a large assortment of friends and family who I just KNEW would think it was as funny as I did.

Leaping out of bed, still staggering with laughter, I ran into my darkened office to my big computer where I knew I could send my missive more easily.

Unfortunately, I never made it to the computer. I stubbed the little toe on my left foot on the leg of the couch. I broke it. The toe, not the couch leg.

I hit the deck so fast that if someone had been watching through the window, they would have believed I’d been taken out by a sniper.

As I was writhing on the floor clutching my foot, my self-consciously cool 14-year-old son strolled in, looking at the spectacle disdainfully. “My God, Mom. What is wrong with you NOW?”

The next day, I found out what actually was wrong. I had broken my little toe in three places and I didn’t even know a little toe HAD three places.

So now I can’t wear shoes for a while. Actually, I can wear one shoe, but that is a difficult look to pull off, so I am essentially living my life barefoot.

Driving is a challenge. I  don’t dare go to any restaurants for fear of being escorted outside.

And my son is more embarrassed by me than ever. My husband has been working later than usual. I think he is avoiding me.

Now the video is running on Andrew Sullivan’s blog, along with TheDailyBeast and Gawker.

Undoubtedly, more sites will pick it up and more people will get hurt.

I am warning you not to watch that video – unless you are insured. And don’t watch it while eating. Or in church. Or at a funeral. Or just before a job interview.

That thing is dangerous.

And Harold, so are you.



5 Responses to Complaint Department, can we help you?

  1. Charles Kuffner September 28, 2011 at 7:34 pm #

    Dude, all I can say is that if you don’t add “Harold Cook may be hazardous to your health” to your list of endorsement quotes on the sidebar, you don’t deserve to get such fine quality celebrity complaint letters.

    (Why, no, I’m not at all jealous. Why do you ask?)

    Way to go, Harold!

  2. FUBAR September 28, 2011 at 7:35 pm #

    Kuff – Hmmmm…why didn’t I think of that??

  3. Susan September 29, 2011 at 1:46 pm #

    Hi my name Susan. I do not like this blog internet. I say screw you to person who made it. I not get letter from celebrity. I green like that Kuffner.

  4. FUBAR September 29, 2011 at 2:04 pm #

    I don’t know what to make of Susan’s comment, but it’s so funny I’m leaving it up. don’t change a thing – stay green.

  5. Susan September 29, 2011 at 8:15 pm #

    Well, dangit, when I got here this morning, there was one of those spam comments that was worded much like that. However, Harold, don’t fret over not knowing what to make of me. Most times I don’t even know.

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