Dear Austin City Council:

I am writing to you today as a typical Austin voter, to thank you from the bottom of my heart for voting to oppose moving the City of Austin elections to November, which would by all accounts dramatically increase voter participation. I think we can all agree that this would be terrible.

A widely-expressed reason you have used for your opposition is that voters are already overwhelmed by, and uninformed about, November ballots, and this move would add to our already-burdensome task of basic citizenship.

You, wise council members, are exactly right. I am overwhelmed. My overwhelmishness is surpassed only by my uninformity.

Just like most other voters in Austin, I am a delicate little snowflake, very much in need of protection against such troublesome challenges like “electoral decisions.” Thank you for seeing us as the morons that we are, and protecting us from ourselves. The task of going to a polling place and investing upwards of six to ten minutes electing the candidates of our choice is, frankly, an undertaking so utterly exhausting to contemplate that immediately upon completion of this letter of appreciation, I fear I may either have to take a nap or drink heavily.

An additional rationale you have used in your opposition is that in so doing, you fear you may violate the city charter. How wise of you to see through the shallow attempts of the Texas Legislature to mislead us, when they specifically wrote into the legislation prompting Austin’s consideration of this move, in Sec. 41.0052c of the bill, that moving our elections to November will not constitute a violation of a city charter. Your rationale of simply re-inventing the truth to fit your agenda is courageous, and indicates to me that among the standard-issue elected officials in charge of our fair state, you’re going to fit in around here just fine.

I’m especially proud of your courageous stand against saving taxpayer money. The fact that the city will have to spend hundreds of thousands in taxpayer money in failing to move the elections to November should mean nothing to you, so I’m happy that it doesn’t.

Thank you so much for standing tall against those, like council member Mike Martinez, who naively think that increasing voter participation would somehow be a helpful for democracy. He was even quoted in the Statesman with the following, in the event you do not move city elections to November:

“There will be fewer women who vote. There will be fewer African Americans who vote. There will be fewer Hispanics who vote, and there will be fewer people of lower socioeconomic status.”

While I agree with him as to the net result of your position, he says that as if that’s a bad thing. I, for one, am proud that you know better. In fact, I honestly don’t understand why you don’t lead a move to return to the good ol’ days – you know, that “limiting the right to vote to property owners” thing. Man, that was a bad-ass party, huh?

And speaking of non-property owners, let’s not even get into a discussion about those kid bloggers over at Burnt Orange Report. They’re trying to make all kinds of trouble for you over your courageous stand. Don’t pay any attention to them – they’re just part of the delusional crowd who thinks voter participation is somehow “cool.” They probably have other similar socialist positions, like opposition to poll taxes and letting women vote and stuff. Those kids just need to get off our lawn.

In conclusion, to the four council members who support this courageous move to prevent more voting – Laura Morrison, Kathie Tovo, Sheryl Cole, and Bill Spelman – I applaud your courage. I urge you to continue to stand tall in preventing more of this nasty “participation” stuff from happening. I implore you to continue to listen to the sage advice of your political consultants, who are sure to have the best interests of the voters at heart as they advise you to prevent more Austinites from choosing their elected officials, at an additional cost to taxpayers.

I realize that subsequent votes on this measure may come as soon as this Thursday and Friday, so please continue to ignore the pleas of those who, perhaps even by clicking on the email contact links for your offices above, would try to lead you down the primrose path of increasing voter participation.

Comments

comments

4 Responses to Dear Austin City Council:

  1. whiskeydent October 5, 2011 at 8:33 pm #

    Wouldn’t it be funny if Cole, Morrison, Spelman and Tovo — aka The Suppressionists — were defeated because the people they don’t want to vote showed up to vote against them?

  2. Eykis October 6, 2011 at 6:13 pm #

    That would be eversomuch “karmic” fun.

  3. JD Gins October 6, 2011 at 10:16 pm #

    Ouch. I did not you and I disagreed on this very important issue. Haha!

    This is a big mistake.

  4. FUBAR October 7, 2011 at 5:47 am #

    Wow JD – that hasn’t happened since that recent unpleasantness with the scarf. :)

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