Campaign News Briefs

Herman Cain rumored to be mulling exit from race

Herman Cain (R-eally horny) is rumored to have told his campaign staff this morning during a conference call that he may soon exit the race for President, in the wake of news exposing another woman who has come forward to claim impropriety involving the candidate.

A Cain staffer, after returning from an extended smoke break, confirmed the news, and said they are preparing a statement from the candidate in the event he opts to withdraw. The statement will reportedly claim that Cain is withdrawing from the race to spend more time with his wife and family, his girlfriends, his female employees, the hottie who works at the Starbucks down the street, and “a couple of chicks I met on Craigslist.”

Arizona Sheriff endorses Rick Perry

Controversial Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio, in a joint appearance today with Texas Governor Rick Perry (R-idiculous), enthusiastically endorsed the Governor for President.

In a move that visibly surprised Perry and his campaign staff, the Sheriff, who is under investigation by the U.S. Department of Justice, then arrested Perry and ordered his immediate deportation.

The Governor, shaken by the turn of events, was in the middle of his remarks at the event, during which he promised the New Hampshire crowd that as President, he would build a border fence protecting them from illegal immigration of Democrats from Vermont and Massachusetts.

Arpaio, known for his tough stance on illegal immigration, obviously hopes his endorsement of Perry will help the Texas Governor overcome heat he has taken from Republican primary voters upset that Perry supports in-state tuition for undocumented immigrants.

Those Republican voters, however, seem completely unaware that tuition at Texas colleges and universities has grown under Perry’s administration to be roughly an amount equaling the Gross National Product of Saudi Arabia and Dubai combined. As of press time, it was unclear why Perry hasn’t taken credit for punishing these immigrants so harshly by charging them this laughably inflated tuition rate.

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2 Responses to Campaign News Briefs

  1. angela November 29, 2011 at 8:00 pm #

    hahahahaha . . . .

  2. Edith Ann November 30, 2011 at 2:02 am #

    Harold,

    Now in all fairness, we can’t hang that tuition stuff solely on Perry. It was Victoria’s own Geanie Morrison (R-eally dumb) who authored the bill to deregulate college tuition.

    She then came back later and formed the Crossroads Committee on Education, a blue ribbon panel designed to address the educational needs of children ‘birth through post-college’ in the Crossroads area of Texas.

    All they ever accomplished was pissing off the University of Houston System by filing for divorce, aggravating the Texas A&M System by dragging them into the fray and finally trying to woo the Texas Tech System, who, by the way, has not RSVPed on the marriage proposal from the University of Houston-Victoria.

    Geanie and Rick are a natural combo. Thanks for the laugh. This was good.

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