Letters From Texas News Briefs

Herman Cain: another day, another woman

Yesterday, famed attorney Gloria Allred hosted a press conference in New York, in which she introduced the most recent of several women to accuse Republican Presidential candidate Herman Cain of sexual harassment. The woman, Sharon Bialek, described behavior which, if true, would cross the line from simple harassment to sexual assault.

However, moments after the press conference, a jury in the trial of Michael Jackson’s doctor returned a guilty verdict in the doctor’s involuntary manslaughter trial, resulting in mass confusion nation-wide in which Americans now believe that Herman Cain’s latest accuser says Michael Jackson’s doctor molested Gloria Allred’s client while high on Rick Perry’s pain killers, or something.

Later yesterday, Mr. Cain appeared on a late night talk show, during which he confirmed that his wife is actually a Democrat, which explains why his wife is the first confirmed woman that Cain has reportedly not tried to sleep with.

Cain has scheduled a 3 pm press conference today in Phoenix, during which his head is scheduled to explode.

It’s official: Oklahoma possessed by Devil

Eyebrows were raised yesterday in Oklahoma, when on a single day the state experienced floods, hail, tornadoes, and another earthquake. The state had experienced an earthquake last Sunday as well.

Adding to local confusion, Satan announced that he will hold a press conference today at noon in Oklahoma City, where he is expected to take responsibility for the unusual events and formally claim the state as his own. The move is considered a mere formality, since Oklahoma has long been considered Hell.

In a related move, the Tulsa City Council is scheduled to meet later this week in a special called hearing, at which they will consider a move recommended by the local chamber of commerce to re-name the city “Sucking Eddy of Despair.” While the name change has little local opposition, officials in both Branson, Missouri and the entire state of Iowa have threatened to sue Tulsa for trademark violation if the Tulsa City Council moves forward with their plan.

Election day in Texas

Texas voters will head to the polls today to vote on several state Constitutional amendments and in local school board and municipal elections. Turnout is projected to be low in the election, which features several relatively low-profile measures. Perhaps the highest profile item up for consideration is the Houston mayor’s race, in which incumbent Mayor Anise Parker is expected to coast to re-election with approximately 10,000 percent of the vote.

While Texas Governor Rick Perry is not on today’s ballot in Texas, several pollsters say that Perry will get just about as many votes in Texas today as he should expect in the New Hampshire Republican primary in January.

This esteemed publication recommends a vote in favor of Proposition 8, the water conservation measure.

Comments

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One Response to Letters From Texas News Briefs

  1. KatyDid November 8, 2011 at 5:32 pm #

    What did Oklahoma DO to make God so very angry?

    I’m in Houston… We don’t kick incumbent mayors out of office prior to their 3 terms. EVER.
    Parker – who gets an A- from some local conservative economic committee – is being opposed by a couple guys who think she’s too nice to transgenders.
    I would have liked to have seen a progressive in the race, but… Oh well.

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