I have no idea why all you people are so upset about Rick Perry dropping out of the Presidential race. Your concern that politics won’t be any fun anymore is completely unfounded. Have you already forgotten about another fine Texan still on the national stage, namely Texas Republican Congressman Louie Gohmert?
You remember Gohmert, don’t you? Oh, sure you do. He’s the guy who invented terror babies, and who felt so strongly about it he went berserk on Anderson Cooper because Cooper had the nerve…the nerve…to question Gohmert’s claims.
Well apparently Gohmert has a new claim, another one in which babies are potentially involved. This time, it’s caribou babies. Caribou – you know, the cute-looking big-ass deer-looking animals in the frozen tundra. It seems that Gohmert is concerned that there won’t be enough caribou babies, if he doesn’t get his way.
See if you can follow along. Stick with me here. But first, let’s review.
Gohmert is a proud member of the whackadoodle Republican So-Far-Right-We-Can’t-See-Him Caucus in Congress, and as such it is his patriotic duty to figure out what The Next Big Republican Talking Point will be, then go so utterly nutso-over-the-top with his own unique angle on the topic that even the other Congressional whack jobs are embarrassed to be seen, both with him and with that issue, ever again.
That’s what the “terror baby” thing was about. Gohmert got the memo – two memos actually. One memo explained that Republicans are supposed to scapegoat immigrants, even to the point of questioning birthright citizenship. The other memo advocated for continuing to spread fear of terrorists endangering Americans. Gohmert, being the clever, sly, and sexy little devil he is, invented terror babies – preggo terrorists who get smuggled into the U.S., where they have their baby on U.S. soil (who is then a U.S. citizen), then go back home to their Godless middle eastern nation, where their Godless terrorist parents invest the next 18 years or so teaching their Godless Junior terrorist how to hate America and kill us all. Then the terror baby comes to America to do just that. Of course there was, and remains, absolutely no evidence whatsoever that this happens, and even the FBI ridiculed the notion. But it didn’t stop Gohmert from smearing this flavor of whackadoodle dandy all over the place until people just started ignoring him.
Fast forward to now, to caribous. Apparently Gohmert got a new memo, and it said something about promoting a massive petrochemical pipeline in Alaska. Well, ok, so far this is fair enough, he’s also undoubtedly a proud card-carrying member of the Drill-Baby-Drill Caucus.
|A horny caribou|
Here’s the theory Gohmert managed to come up with: we can’t stop this pipeline. Because if we stop this pipeline, the caribou will suffer. The caribou will suffer because the pipeline provides warmth. Without the warmth, the caribou won’t want to mate.
Yes, friends, apparently Gohmert believes oil pipelines make caribou horny. Without the pipeline, he’s concerned there won’t be enough caribou screwing going on. Pipelines apparently make the other caribou look really hot to each other, and they have sex with wild abandon. Pipelines apparently bring out all the slutty caribou who might otherwise stay home. But with the pipeline, it’ll totally be like a cari-booty call situation all the time. In conclusion, pipelines are caribou beer goggles. Gohmert is in favor of caribou orgies. He doesn’t want a pipeline, per se, he wants caribou caligula.
I, for one, am proud of Louie Gohmert. His newfound concern for this majestic wild species, and their sexual needs, is refreshing. But let’s put Mr. Gohmert back in the advanced placement class where he belongs. This isn’t quite up to his “terror baby” standards yet. This isn’t yet enough to again get Anderson Cooper’s camera-squinting-at attention.
Somebody please tell this esteemed Member of Congress that there is some evil satanic Alaskan Planned Parenthood for caribou, and they’re just dying to move into the pipeline zone and provide affordable birth control options to these otherwise-slutty caribou hussies. Let’s watch Gohmert’s brain explode in confusion about what to do about that one. If that doesn’t do the trick, let’s spread the rumor that many of these caribou are gay. And want to get married. At the pipeline.
Meanwhile, let us once again celebrate the stunning live-action fail that is Louie Gohmert. He is taking up the slack of other Texas Republicans who just don’t have the staying power to embarrass we Texans on the continuing basis to which we have proudly become accustomed.
[h/t to Kuff for pointing out this gem]