Rick Perry state-of-the-state spoiler

Today near the lunch hour, Texas Governor Rick Perry is slated to deliver his state-of-the-state address to a joint session of the Texas Legislature.

But here, let me save you some time – I know you don’t want to cancel your lunch plans. You can thank me later.

We’ve all been through this before – Perry’s state-of-the-state has become like groundhogs day, just without the laughs.

First, he’ll brag on the Texas economy. It’s the best in the known galaxy, you know. He’ll take credit for it too. After all, the fact that the Texas economy is strong can’t possibly have anything whatsoever to do with the gumption and wherewithal of the Texas entrepreneurial spirit, or the fact that we have an abundant supply of cheap labor, real estate, international ports and other transportation, and natural resources in Texas, all of which predate Perry. Noooo, that’s not it – it’s All About Rick Perry.

Somewhere in there, he’ll call for more of the same. Probably a tax cut. He always calls for a tax cut. It gives them a little tiny stiffie when he calls for tax cuts.

He’ll also throw in some “Nixon goes to China” thing nobody’s expecting. Like the time he called for mandatory HPV vaccines. Or the time he called for privatizing the state lottery; that was a good one. The legislature always ignores his Nixon goes to China moment.

Perry makes remarks at the Conservative Political Action conference (CPAC) in Washington

Perry: please believe me?

He’ll complain bitterly about The Evil People In D.C., and blame them for everything Texans don’t like. I have no idea how he’ll blame them for the Astros’ dismal win-loss record, but I’m sure he’s working on it.

He’ll probably complain that the legislature hasn’t done nearly enough to control women’s bodies yet, so get ready for the thrill of a new proposal on that front. I’m sure he thinks y’all gals got way too uppity in the last election to suit him.

And most of all, he’ll say stuff to make you believe that he’ll stay relevant and run for re-election again. This should be taken with every ounce of the credibility you placed on his promises that he would never, ever, not in a million years, no-sir-ee-bob-tail, run for President. You should completely believe every word he says about his future political plans, because being surprised later when it doesn’t happen the way he says is much more fun.

So there you have it – now you can avoid canceling your lunch plans. I should bill you people for this incredible insight. This has been your Letters From Texas State-of-the-State preview.