Because you, the crap-reading public, have demanded it, Letters From Texas Worldwide Headquarters delivers it. Here’s your 2016 GOP Presidential Debate Drinking Game:
If Donald Trump tries to explain why he really doesn’t hate Mexicans much: drink 1 shot.
If the first reference to Ronald Reagan is made within the first minute of the debate: 1 shot.
If Jeb Bush accidentally insults women, again: 1 shot.
If Perry, Santorum, Jindal, Fiorina, and/or Graham storm the stage demanding to be included: 2 shots.
If more than 5 candidates insult Donald Trump before the opening statements are over: 1 shot.
If Donald Trump insults more than 3 candidates in the first 10 minutes: 1 shot.
If Donald Trump insults more than 3 countries full of people in the first 10 minutes: 2 shots.
If Donald Trump insults the entire solar system in the first 10 minutes: 3 shots.
If Ted Cruz defends Donald Trump from whoever is insulting him: 1 shot.
If anybody asks Ben Carson who the hell he is and what he’s doing there instead of Rick Perry: 1 shot.
If Ted Cruz threatens to shut down the government if they don’t allow him to drone on incessantly about how he’ll repeal Obamacare on day 1: 1 shot.
If all 10 candidates vote to repeal Obamacare on the spot: 2 shots.
Any mention of the words “Jade” or “Helm:” 2 shots.
First mention of Benghazi: 1 shot.
First mention of Hillary Clinton’s emails: 1 shot.
First mention of Hillary Clinton’s hair style: 1 shot.
First mention of Hillary Clinton’s husband: 1 shot.
If Scott Walker utters the name of any of his Koch brother buddies: 1 shot.
If Scott Walker takes an actual phone call from a Koch brother during the debate: 2 shots.
If Mike Huckabee kisses South Carolina’s collective ass: 1 shot.
If Chris Christie kisses New Hampshire’s collective ass: 1 shot.
If anybody notes Rand Paul’s attendance at the debate at all: 1 shot.
If Marco Rubio tries to drink water in the middle of a sentence, again: 1 shot.
If John Kasich reminds viewers more than 3 times that he’s the governor of Ohio, which is a state that if the Republican nominee doesn’t win, they’ll never see the inside of the White House, because no Republican has ever won, ever, without must-win Ohio, which the Republicans must win: 1 shot.
For each candidate not wearing a flag pin, besides Donald Trump: 1 shot.
If Donald Trump wears a Donald Trump pin: 1 shot.
If Donald Trump claims he put his life in danger by visiting Laredo for, like, 10 minutes: 2 shots.
If Donald Trump says something totally offensive about somebody, then immediately says that he likes him a lot: 1 shot.
Update: nah, not really.