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Attention East Texans

It may have never occurred to you that what you’ve been doing all along is legal in some states. You’re welcome.

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Taking God’s name in pain

I’ve always strongly agreed with Voltaire’s theory that God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.  After all, how else would one explain the existence of giraffes, penguins, and East Texans?

It would also be a perfect explanation for the fact that four Republican candidates for President each claim that God told them to run. Against each other. On purpose.

Alternatively, I suspect it may have something to do with those Republicans hearing whatever they want to hear when it comes to God. I also suspect is has a lot to do with those folks being a lot more interested in talking to God, especially when there are people around watching them do it, than they are in listening to God.

I also note with interest that none of them claims God told them to win. God knows it’s not good to over-play a joke.

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Headline of the day so far

Amazingly, this incident did not occur in East Texas.

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East Texas update

This has been your East Texas update.

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This is what would happen if you brought the winter Olympics to East Texas

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and speaking of East Texans…

One of them, obviously, has now escaped to Albuquerque, New Mexico.

(Note to KRQE TV in New Mexico: you failed to specify the make and model of the vehicle. While I realize that it’s common for news organizations to omit the name of the victim, couldn’t you make an exception this time? Because, I bet the vehicle was a Dodge Ram.)

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When antlers are outlawed…

…only outlaws will have antlers.

Note to East Texans: one of your ilk has obviously escaped and is in Austin. We’re getting tired of these unacceptable security breaches.

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Everything legislators need to know about the special session

So, legislators, the big special session starts today. I’m guessing it will only be special in the constitutional sense, because Governor Perry won’t let anybody have any fun. He has his three issues, and apparently he’s stickin’ to ‘em.

According to the presiding officer in each house, all 3 of the relevant Senate bills will immediately be referred to the Finance Committee, and in the House, they’ll be referred to 3 different committees.

What this means: this means that of the 181 of you (plus one freshly-married Lt. Gov.) forced against your will to return to Austin, approximately 112 of you will be bored out of your minds, with absolutely nothing to do until a final floor vote. This is dangerous. Very. Very. Dangerous.

In fact, it’s so dangerous that this seems like the perfect time to remind everybody of the hapless Drew Nixon. Senator Nixon was a very bored Senator indeed. He was so bored that during the legislative session of 1997, he took himself for a little drive down South Congress, and was subsequently arrested after he was videotaped soliciting a woman for sex. That woman turned out to be an undercover police officer doing a prostitution sting operation. As you might imagine, Senator Nixon didn’t remain in the Texas Senate very long after his rural East Texas constituents learned of this tidbit (word on the street is that the East Texans weren’t so upset that he had broken the law, as much as they were jealous that he almost got some, with a person who wasn’t his cousin). Nixon didn’t even get a free state-paid trip to Argentina like a certain South Carolina Governor apparently did recently.

So, Texas Legislators, we urge you: take up chess. Or poker. Or something else that doesn’t include the likelihood of a squad car and a mug shot.

But wait: Letters From Texas Worldwide Headquarters always goes the extra mile to serve you, the crap-reading public. An additional helpful tip is in order, in case you decide to ignore our advice to take up chess.

In case you decide to take yourself for a little drive anyway, we will now tell you how the average innocent-as-the-driven-snow bored Texas legislator would be able to tell the difference between a legitimate prostitute, and an undercover police officer. We happen to know the answer to that question, because during the Drew Nixon episode, we asked one of Austin’s Finest that very question. And by “one of Austin’s Finest,” of course we mean “one of Austin’s oldest and most grizzled cops.”

His answer (to be read with the same long drawn-out Texas drawl in which it was delivered): “Well, as a general rule of thumb, it’s real easy to tell a real prostitute from one of our officers: if you’d f[have sex with] her, she’s one of ours.” Well, clear enough. Hard to believe they didn’t cover this material in your freshman orientation class.

As further evidence of the wisdom of this grizzled old officer’s words, we now present to you a photo line-up of the people the Knoxville Tennessee newspaper has posted as the area’s most popular – I repeat, MOST popular – prostitutes in their coverage area.

Chess is sounding better and better all the time, huh boys?

And oh yeah, you also need to know that things will move faster than you think, but slower than Perry hopes, and that Perry’s not going to add your constituent’s precious bill to the agenda. That’s pretty much it in a nutshell.

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Take Your Daughter Gun To Work Day

Many of my fellow liberal commie pinko friends, who somehow avoid hating most people at least until after we get to know them, are against the legislation allowing concealed weapons permit holders to take their guns to work. Supporters say that the failure to allow this completely negates the value of the permit, because, after all, if your employer prohibits weapons in their workplace parking lot, you can’t very well drive to work with a weapon. And that, as we all know, would be bad.

Clearly, if you can’t take your gun to work, that also means that at the end of the day, you can’t take your gun home from work. Also, you can’t take your gun with you to the bar on your way home from work. And that lonely haggard old bar fly who after four rounds didn’t look so bad in the dim light of the bar? You can’t take your gun over to her place either. Even if it turns out she’s married, and hubby comes home and interrupts you, probably because he had to stop by the house to pick up his gun. See? Nothing but problems until this legislation passes.

But opponents of the bill (a.k.a., my fellow liberal commie pinko friends, who somehow avoid hating most people at least until after they get to know them), fear the worst if this bill becomes law. I think their worries are completely misplaced.

I, for one, trust my fellow citizens to have the good sense to know the right thing to do. After all, what could possibly go wrong?

PS: I bet that guy was originally from East Texas. He was just wearing a Polynesian guy disguise. It’s much more common to see that kind of thing at Halloween. Also, in Polynesia.

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Dumbass Criminal Suspect of the Day So Far

A guy, almost undoubtedly from East Texas, was recently arrested for buying fake drugs, from fake drug dealers (who were actually undercover police).

Police noted with interest that the gentleman used fake money to purchase the fake drugs from the fake dealers.

I’m sure the guy wishes the jail cell he’s sitting in was fake.

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Attention East Texans

Yet another of you has escaped, this time to Australia. Please increase your border security measures immediately.

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East Texan Security Alert

Once again, one of you has escaped, this time to Germany, posing as a Greek traveler. Please review your security procedures immediately.

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Escaped East Texan Alert

Dear East Texans:

Yet another of you has obviously escaped, this time to Wisconsin. Please increase your border security immediately.

Amazingly, alcohol was apparently involved.

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Attention East Texans

Another of your ilk has obviously escaped. Please increase your border security immediately.

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Be on the lookout…

While this brazen crime did not occur in East Texas, something tells me that it’s where police should be on the look-out anyway.

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