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Time-saving tip for Texas legislators – Texas Monthly 10 best/worst list

Legislators, about 20-30 of you will either be honored or disgraced tomorrow, when Texas Monthly releases their “10 Worst – 10 Best” legislators list. Counting honorable mentions and furniture, there will be more than a few people unhappy with their choices. Others of you will suddenly know the extent to which you never realized that the folks at Texas Monthly were freakin’ geniuses.

But lets face it – your staff is really tired. They really don’t want to write the statement from you, in which you react to your inclusion in this fine piece of journalism. So, as a service to you and your exhausted staff from Letters From Texas Worldwide Headquarters, Political Affairs Division, feel free to choose the appropriate choices on this suggested press release, and save yourself some time and trouble. Merely write in your name and your district number, circle the appropriate choices, and sent it out.

Press Release

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
June 17, 2015

[Senator/Representative _________ ] Responds to Texas Monthly

(Austin) [your name here] said the following today, after Texas Monthly magazine announced [his/her] inclusion in their list of ten [best or worst] legislators:

“[I am disappointed in or I applaud] Texas Monthly for their [hack job or fine journalistic effort] in naming the ten best and ten worst legislators today.

“Fortunately, constituents in my district [already knew this worthless rag was full of crap or have long known of my legislative prowess]. I can think of no higher compliment than [for this liberal commie pinko travel magazine to disagree with my high-minded legislative priorities or for this fine magazine to recognize all that we have been able to accomplish this session].

“The good people of District ____ have long known [not to take their political advice from a travel rag, any more than they would take travel advice from a political magazine or that I have worked very hard on their behalf, and the positive results are apparent].

“It is truly a great reflection on my district that [this out-of-touch liberal Austin insider gossip rag trashed me or this fine conservative news publication has finally recognized my achievements].

“I would just add [my compliments to Texas Monthly for a job well done or that Erica Grieder and RG Ratcliffe can suck a nut].”

# # #

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Yay! It’s House budget day!

Welcome, first time Texas Legislature watchers, to the next significant part of the budget process – the day the budget hits the House floor! The Senate’s budget floor debate is scheduled a few days from now.

As a LettersFromTexas tutorial for the benefit of you, the crap-reading public, here’s what you can expect out of the budget process in each chamber:

Typical budget day in the Senate: 5 amendments, 3 frowned upon, all quickly tabled. In extreme cases hurt feelings may extend all the way until high tea. Several mani-pedis may need to be rescheduled. This is a day of high stress for waiters at Jeffrey’s, 3 Forks, and Austin Land & Cattle, so please keep them in your thoughts and prayers.

Typical budget day in the House: 350 amendments, fisticuffs, and a possible food fight in the members lounge. Tea Party threatens to form 3rd party in next election, 3 committee chairs announce retirement from politics, and 7 agency Executive Directors found hanging from rafters. CSI team called in to investigate.

This has been your LettersFromTexas budget debate tutorial. We now return you to your regularly-scheduled House floor clawing, scratching, and biting.

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God Bless Texas

The National Weather Service put out an unusual alert this afternoon regarding why their radar system serving Central Texas is currently non-operational.

Screen Shot 2015-02-10 at 4.07.32 PM

Click the photo to enlarge

 

This has been your LettersFromTexas weather update.

 

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Good neighbors

It seems to me that hardly anybody ever really likes their neighbors. Where I live, for example, on one side of my house is a church that once hired a roofer who dropped his truck on my house, and on the other side is a family which has stored the same old car in their backyard that was parked there when I moved in back in 1993.

But no matter how much you think you don’t like your neighbors and are ready to go find a new place to live, it could be worse.

For example, you could live next door to whoever donated a human skull to Goodwill in Austin the other day (and, if by chance you do live next door to them, please contact the authorities because they’re looking for ’em). The Austin owner of that skull probably died while still looking for affordable apartments for rent. In fact, here are apartments for rent in Dallas. Move there, because there are too many people moving here.

Or perhaps you live next door to somebody who likes to record his neighbors having loud sex? If not, perhaps you’re the one whose neighbors keep having loud sex, which you daydream about someday recording and posting online?

If so, you might want to be careful about who you record, because you might accidentally record your own loved one messing around with your neighbor, since according to this, there’s a 1-in-20 chance of that.

Then again, some people never move no matter how bad it gets. In fact, this guy stayed put so long in his cluttered rent-controlled apartment his loved ones can’t find where he put the papers so they can get their hands on his $18 million. Bummer.

Oh, you thought I was kidding when I said my neighbor’s truck fell on my house? Nope. It destroyed my newly-remodeled kitchen. If I’d been in the kitchen at the time, it would have destroyed me. The insurance company had to rebuild a quarter of my house, and my friend re-named the place “Casa Piñata.”

Neighbors can be a pain.

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It’s that time again!

Every January 15th, I make a special toast: happy birthday, Edward Blumingfield, wherever you are!

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More evidence that Texas politicians are falling behind in the crazy train sweepstakes

Not particularly new: yet another elected official admits to extramarital affair. Yawn.

New and improved: with an alien from outer space.

 

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Jesus endorsed another candidate

Don’t worry, ma’am – it pretty much worked the same way for Michelle Bachmann and Rick Perry too.

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The inspirational speaker of the day award

…has to be awarded to this guy.

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I wouldn’t have guessed they were capable of it…

…but KMart just won the internet.

 

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Urgent Missive To the People of Texas and All Americans in the World

Commandancy of The City Of Austin
April 4, 2013

Fellow citizens & compatriots:

We in the City of Austin are besieged, by the threats of North Korea. This, despite sending our best diplomat, Ambassador Dennis Rodman, to parlay this matter with Kim Jong-Un. We are certain at this point that Amb. Rodman pretty much said the wrong thing. We expect to sustain a continual nuclear bombardment, but we have not lost a man. The enemy has demanded a surrender at discretion, otherwise, the city is to be put to the sword. El Presidente Ricardo Perry has answered the demand with a cannon shot and a sternly-worded retort on the El Aroyo sign, and has patiently explained to the world at large that this besiegement is because Austin is a very important city. Our flag still waves proudly from our music venues, and we shall never surrender or retreat.

alamo

Near the main stage at ACL Fest, 2011

We call on you in the name of liberty, patriotism, breakfast tacos, skinny jeans, and everything dear to the American character, to come to our aid, with all dispatch. The enemy is receiving reinforcements daily and will no doubt increase in four or five days. If this call is neglected, we are determined to sustain ourselves as long as possible and die like proud Central Texans who never forget what is due to their own honor and that of our city.

VICTORY OR DEATH.

[signed]

Harold Travis Crocket Bowie Cook,

Lt. Col. Comdt.

P.S. The Lord is on our side. When the enemy appeared in sight we had not three bushels of corn. We have since found 80 or 90 bushels and got into the walls 20 or 30 head of Beeves, multiple orders of the Bob Armstrong Queso from Matt’s El Rancho, several old KGSR mix tapes, a portion of Leslie Cochran’s collection of g-strings, and the entire liquor stock from Little Woodrow’s.

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And they said Republicans are supposed to be for economic development.

Remember when I recently urged Sugar Land, Texas, to take seriously the offer of a website to change their name?

Too bad you people didn’t take me seriously. Now some place in  Georgia gets to have all the fun.

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Everybody deserves a fair trial

Then again, sometimes you have a feeling that’s just not going to happen.

 

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Meanwhile, in El Paso…

Prepare to cry: behold the greatest act of sportsmanship ever.

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The only thing better than reading police blotters…

…is reading police reports with entertaining typos.

There’s a tag for that?

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Capitol staff: have lobbyists delivered a stress ball to your office yet?

Because apparently they don’t work.

 

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