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We in the City of Austin are besieged, by the threats of North Korea. This, despite sending our best diplomat, Ambassador Dennis Rodman, to parlay this matter with Kim Jong-Un. We are certain at this point that Amb. Rodman pretty much said the wrong thing. We expect to sustain a continual nuclear bombardment, but we have not lost a man. The enemy has demanded a surrender at discretion, otherwise, the city is to be put to the sword. El Presidente Ricardo Perry has answered the demand with a cannon shot and a sternly-worded retort on the El Aroyo sign, and has patiently explained to the world at large that this besiegement is because Austin is a very important city. Our flag still waves proudly from our music venues, and we shall never surrender or retreat.

Near the main stage at ACL Fest, 2011

We call on you in the name of liberty, patriotism, breakfast tacos, skinny jeans, and everything dear to the American character, to come to our aid, with all dispatch. The enemy is receiving reinforcements daily and will no doubt increase in four or five days. If this call is neglected, we are determined to sustain ourselves as long as possible and die like proud Central Texans who never forget what is due to their own honor and that of our city.

VICTORY OR DEATH.

[signed]

Harold Travis Crocket Bowie Cook,

P.S. The Lord is on our side. When the enemy appeared in sight we had not three bushels of corn. We have since found 80 or 90 bushels and got into the walls 20 or 30 head of Beeves, multiple orders of the Bob Armstrong Queso from Matt’s El Rancho, several old KGSR mix tapes, a portion of Leslie Cochran’s collection of g-strings, and the entire liquor stock from Little Woodrow’s.