Every January 15th, I make a special toast: happy birthday, Edward Blumingfield, wherever you are!
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Not particularly new: yet another elected official admits to extramarital affair. Yawn.
New and improved: with an alien from outer space.
Don’t worry, ma’am – it pretty much worked the same way for Michelle Bachmann and Rick Perry too.
…has to be awarded to this guy.
Commandancy of The City Of Austin
April 4, 2013
Fellow citizens & compatriots:
We in the City of Austin are besieged, by the threats of North Korea. This, despite sending our best diplomat, Ambassador Dennis Rodman, to parlay this matter with Kim Jong-Un. We are certain at this point that Amb. Rodman pretty much said the wrong thing. We expect to sustain a continual nuclear bombardment, but we have not lost a man. The enemy has demanded a surrender at discretion, otherwise, the city is to be put to the sword. El Presidente Ricardo Perry has answered the demand with a cannon shot and a sternly-worded retort on the El Aroyo sign, and has patiently explained to the world at large that this besiegement is because Austin is a very important city. Our flag still waves proudly from our music venues, and we shall never surrender or retreat.
We call on you in the name of liberty, patriotism, breakfast tacos, skinny jeans, and everything dear to the American character, to come to our aid, with all dispatch. The enemy is receiving reinforcements daily and will no doubt increase in four or five days. If this call is neglected, we are determined to sustain ourselves as long as possible and die like proud Central Texans who never forget what is due to their own honor and that of our city.
VICTORY OR DEATH.
Harold Travis Crocket Bowie Cook,
Lt. Col. Comdt.
P.S. The Lord is on our side. When the enemy appeared in sight we had not three bushels of corn. We have since found 80 or 90 bushels and got into the walls 20 or 30 head of Beeves, multiple orders of the Bob Armstrong Queso from Matt’s El Rancho, several old KGSR mix tapes, a portion of Leslie Cochran’s collection of g-strings, and the entire liquor stock from Little Woodrow’s.
Remember when I recently urged Sugar Land, Texas, to take seriously the offer of a website to change their name?
Too bad you people didn’t take me seriously. Now some place in Georgia gets to have all the fun.
Then again, sometimes you have a feeling that’s just not going to happen.
Prepare to cry: behold the greatest act of sportsmanship ever.
…is reading police reports with entertaining typos.
There’s a tag for that?
Because apparently they don’t work.
Take the money. Seriously.
Key phrase: “He’s been named Rat, which is short for Rat Bastard because the officers said he’s a mean little guy.”
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