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White-in Candidate, Part II

This Wednesday, a post on Houston Mayor Bill White prompted a request to play “Lets Inappropriately Photoshop Bill White,” and urged readers to send in their submissions.

And let me tell you, if Letters From Texas readers know anything, we know impropriety! Here are my favorites. Click on any image to enlarge it.

From Mean Rachel:

From Anonymous:

From Concerned Citizen:

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Dear Texas Department of Transportation:

I realize that you’re really busy, what with all that taking folks’ property whether they like it or not, giving it to foreign corporations so they can build roads on it, then charge the folks who gave you the land in the first place, so they can drive on ’em. It must be exhausting, especially now that you’re pretending all that recent unpleasantness is behind us.

But no, I’m writing you today to commend you on your construction zone warning signs. Sure, they’re helpful in trivial matters such as keeping people safe. But you really stepped it up a notch when you started allowing regular folks to hack into the signs and change the message.

Just a suggestion from the peanut gallery: how’s about, instead of charging folks to drive on roads they already paid for once before with their tax money, you instead charge folks a fee for the thrill of hacking into your electronic signs. I think it could be a real revenue-generator!

Here’s my humble suggestion, in case you decide to follow up:

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White-in Candidate

Houston Mayor (and friend) Bill White has stirred up a bit of controversy with a recent ad in a Houston newspaper. The origin of the ad’s design, which has been discussed here, here, and here, is in dispute. Whatever its origin, it has certainly generated some interesting dialog.

As interesting as this is, in the big scheme of things, this is small potatoes. For example, I’m not sure Mayor White’s participation was ever more crucial than at the Yalta Conference, when Churchill, Roosevelt, and Stalin joined Mayor White to discuss plans for a post-World War II Europe. Yet, not a peep from bloggers or reporters.

Similarly, I don’t recall any big ordeal when Mayor White attended The Last Supper – it’s natural that during this difficult time, Saint Paul may have been looking for some encouraging words. Plus, the Mayor was undoubtedly hungry, and, well, it was supper.

And if anybody else wants to play “Lets Inappropriately Photoshop Bill White Into a Famous Photo,” please feel free to do so – just email me the result in the next couple of days, and I’ll post the best ones. But please – no porn. Really. I can’t even imagine.

(Thanks to Vince for knowing how to drive Photoshop!)

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This just in…

They’re reporting that a woman whose company sells sex toys through home parties will star in her own reality TV show.

Apparently, there’s quite a buzz going about this. It’s about time TV folks dreamed up something we could get wrapped up in. I wonder if it will be ordinary people, or if they’ll insert celebrities into it? This sounds like the new network thrust in reality TV. Personally, I think it’s a stroke of genius. I bet they’ll be glad I gave them a free plug!

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Solemnly Swearing

Those watching the Presidential inauguration (which includes everybody in the known universe, except perhaps a few East Texans who failed to pay their cable bill) may have noticed a dicey moment between President Barack Obama and Chief Justice John Roberts, when Roberts administered the oath of office.

Interestingly, Obama is the first President in history who, while in the U.S. Senate, voted against the confirmation of the Chief Justice who eventually administered his oath. Roberts was also opposed by Vice President Biden.

The inaugural awkwardness passed quickly, so as a public service, Letters From Texas Worldwide Headquarters, C-Span Division, presents the full transcript of the exchange:

Roberts: Are you prepared to take the oath, Senator?

Obama: I am.

Roberts: I, Barack Hussein Obama…

Obama (interrupting): I, Barack…

Roberts: …do solemnly swear…

Obama: I, Barack Hussein Obama, do solemnly swear…

Roberts: that I will execute the office of President of the United States faithfully…

Obama: …that I will execute…

Roberts: …faithfully the office of President of the United States…

Obama: Wait a damn minute, isn’t it supposed to be “faithfully execute?”

Roberts: With all due respect, Mr. President, I’m the judge here. Just repeat what I say.

Obama: Why would I do that? I didn’t even vote for your confirmation. If I had my way, you’d be teaching first year law in some hell-hole backwater unaccredited law school in the Bahamas. And another thing – couldn’t you have invested in that ‘Hair Club for Men’ stuff before gracing my stage with your big fat bald spot?

Roberts: Look you skinny little twit, lets just get through this, shall we? And by the way, you might be the President after today, but my court has the last say on everything, and we’ll be weighing in on your cute little so-called “pro-choice” crap, buster!

Obama: Says you, mo-fo, but just try it and I’ll expand the size of the court, which a Democratic Congress and I can do whether you like it or not, since the Constitution doesn’t say how big the court has to be. And by the time I get through with you, you won’t be able to find that other jackass Scalia in the crowd!

Roberts: Look, now you made Michelle drop the Lincoln bible!

Obama: How the hell would you know it’s a bible, you apparently can’t even read an oath, one sentence at a time!

Roberts: You little snit, how’s about I rule that it’s constitutional for me to kick your ass?

Obama: You couldn’t even kick John Paul Stevens’ ass, and that’s if he spotted you the first 5 swings. And he’s older than dirt!

We’re off to a great start, don’t you think?

Update: The New York Post has the story under the best headline.

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Happy birthday Edward Blumingfield, wherever you are!

Every January 15th, wherever I am I raise my glass in a toast Edward Blumingfield, for his birthday. Why? Who the hell is Edward Blumingfield? I’m glad you asked.

In second grade at Kolter Elementary School in Houston, I tossed caution to the winds and decided to throw my hat into the ring and pursue a life of public service. That’s right: I ran for class weatherman.

I lost. By one vote. To Edward Blumingfield.

You see, Edward went negative. He claimed that he would make a much better class weatherman because, as he put it, he was older than me.

Edward was born on January 15, in the evening. I was born 4 hours later, in the early morning hours of January 16th. Same hospital, same floor.

Edward taught me, way back in 2nd grade, an important lesson about negative campaigning. I am eternally grateful. So every year on his birthday, I toast his memory.

And by the way, the forecast in Austin today is for partly cloudy skies. High near 50, low of 26. And I bet wherever Edward Blumingfield is, he didn’t freakin’ know that, the little asshole.

…but I’m not bitter.

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And STILL the so-called “mainstream media” does nothing

As some readers may have noted, Letters From Texas, Consumer Protection Division, has long been skeptical of claims made in the Big Bend town of Marfa, Texas, regarding the mysterious “Marfa lights.”

To uncover the truth, a crack team of investigative reporters, cooperating in a (not particularly) limited partnership between Letters From Texas and infiltrated Presidio County, carrying with us special state-of-the-art SuperDopplerMega3DNightVisionCam equipment especially designed by the Letters From Texas Research and Development Laboratories to expose this fraud.

After a brief delay in the neighboring Brewster County town of Marathon, during which the team was hindered for 2 days in tequila-related incidents hardly worth mentioning at all, we arrived at the Marfa Lights viewing area. Our research quickly revealed that the land for this viewing area had been donated by none other than the former Republican nominee for Texas Governor, Clayton Williams.

Determined not to relax and enjoy it, we quickly set up our highly sophisticated SuperDopplerMega3DNightVisionCam. It didn’t take long to expose this for the fraud that it is. Countless tourists have visited this site from coast to coast for generations, all taken in, duped if you will, by the complicated hoax. Through the use of our sophisticated SuperDopplerMega3DNightVisionCam, the crack investigative team can now expose for the first time the true source of the Marfa light:

[larger photo]

There is no word yet on whether area State Senator Carlos Uresti or local State Representative Pete Gallego intend to convene legislative hearings on this disturbing matter, but we will let you know just as soon as they stop hanging up on us. There has been no sign of Congressman Ciro Rodriguez on this, although several 4×8 Ciro Rodriguez signs were spotted South of Marfa, between Presidio and Ruidosa, left over from the last election.

We will update this breaking news as events warrant. Meanwhile, this has been your Letters From Texas/ investigative report.

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How not to ingratiate yourself with Capitol reporters

Letters From Texas Worldwide Headquarters, How To Make Friends and Influence People Division, has obtained raw footage shot in the alley behind Sullivan’s Steakhouse from last night, during which soon-to-be-former House Speaker Tom Craddick’s soon-to-be-former press secretary Alexis DeLee is seen grabbing the microphone cord of News8Austin Capitol Reporter Catie Beck, to keep Beck from catching up to DeLee’s soon-to-be-former boss.

Several suggestions for all involved seem applicable:

To Catie Beck: next time, go with the cordless mic.

To Alexis DeLee: as you’re updating your resume for your next gig, you might want to try to patch things up with the reporters you’ve annoyed lately. Also, you might consider reading this book.

To Tom Craddick: next time, just go in the front door like everybody else. They’ll serve practically anybody at Sullivan’s. Also, you might want to read the same book.

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Moving Moment

In a few short days, an African-American man will move from his private residence into a much larger and infinitely more expensive one, owned not by him but by the taxpayers. A vast lawn, a perimeter fence and many well-trained security specialists will insulate him from the rest of us, but the mere fact that this man will be residing in this house should make us all stop and count our blessings – because it proves that we live in a nation where anything is possible.

Many believed this day would never come. Most of us hoped and prayed that it would, but few of us actually believed we would live to see it. Racism is an ugly thing in all of its forms, and there is little doubt that if this man had moved into this house fifteen years ago, there would have been a great outcry – possibly even rioting in the streets. Today, we can all be both grateful and proud that no such mayhem will take place when this man takes up residency in this house.

This man, moving into this house at this time in our nation’s history is much more than a simple change of address for him – it is proof of a change in our attitude as a nation. It is an amends of sorts – the righting of a great wrong. It is a symbol of our growth, and of our willingness to “judge a man not by the color of his skin, but by the content of his character.”

There can be little doubt now that the vast majority of us truly believe that this man has earned both his place in history and his new address. His time in this house will not be easy – it will be fraught with danger and he will face many challenges. I am sure there will be many times when he asks himself how in the world he ended up here, and like all who have gone before him, the experience will age him greatly.

But I, for one, will not waste an ounce of worry for his sake – because in every way a man can, he asked for this. His whole life for the past fifteen years appears to have been inexorably leading this man toward this house. It is highly probable that in the past, despite all of his actions, racism would have kept this man out of this house.

Today, I am proud that I am an American, and that I live in a nation where wrongs are righted, where justice matters and where truly anything is possible.

(and I’m totally annoyed with myself for not thinking of this, but alas, this comes to you via a brilliant post on Craigslist)

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Texas Mouthy Burpablog

Posted by paulburpa at 3:05 pm

First let me start by saying that Obama is toast. He’ll never win the election. Also, I’ve accepted George W. Bush as my personal savior. He’s just misunderstood.

But I digress. This post is about the speakers race. And by that I mean the speakers race that Craddick cannot possibly lose. Unless he fails to win.

You see, unless you’re me, The Great Paul Burpa, you really have no understanding of anything. Lucky for you, I’m here to explain it to you. You and those damn kid bloggers.

It’s very simple really. Listen carefully. Tom Craddick is the speaker right now.

However, if you take Jim Pitts, and subtract him from the square root of the sum of Edmund Kuempel, Brian McCall, and Senfronia Thompson; then add Burt Solomons, Byron Cook, Delwin Jones, Tommy Merritt, and Jim Dunnam; you have a winning combination.

Unless you don’t, which then means it’s Thursday, and/or you’re in the Mountain Central Time zone, in which case you would subtract Delwin Jones from the total, and instead add in half of the sum of Terry Keel, Kelly Fero, and that lobbyist dude who always stands outside the House floor but who never seems to have any clients. No, wait, you still don’t yet have 76 votes. Unless you do.

What you end up with in this case is a cross between Glen Maxey the time he argued in favor of everybody voting for the resolution picking on gay people somehow, and Debra Danburg and Warren Chisum the time they debated anal sex on the House floor for an hour. Not that either has anything to do with a speaker’s race, but both cases, plus the occassional Garnet Coleman ass-kicking of some random Republican (immediately denied by all involved, to all who witnessed it), represent the rare fully-awake moments I’ve experienced on the House floor for the last 20 years.

But back to the speaker’s race, and the uncanny ability of me, The Great Paul Burpa, to explain it to you. Unless I can’t.

So essentially, if you do the above-described math, it is clear that there is going to indeed be a winner. And there you have it.

What, you thought I’d tell you who the winner would be? Are you nuts? Why would you think I, The Great Paul Burpa, cover breaking political news while perched on top of a monthly travel magazine? So I can tell the likes o’ you? Think again bucko.

Oh no, I shall instead merely inform you that I know exactly what will happen. And you would know too, if you were as smart as The Great Paul Burpa. Rest assured that I will be explaining in depth after it is all over the precise reason it happened, and that I knew all along that the outcome was inevitable. Unless I don’t.

I’m pleased to have clarified the situation for you. Stay tuned next week when I, The Great Paul Burpa, will explain the precise reasoning behind my theory that Harvey Kronberg can kiss my ass. Unless he can’t.

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Last minute Christmas gift ideas

People, stop procrastinating. It’s time to finish that Christmas shopping!

Previously, Letters From Texas Worldwide Headquarters, Red Nose Reindeer Division, has shared Christmas gift ideas. They’re here and here.

But for those last minute stocking stuffers, here are a few more:

New, from the people who bring you the Whopper, is the BK beef-scented body spray. Personally I think David Dewhurst would be well-served spraying some all over Dan Patrick just before the Texas Senate takes that early-session field trip to the dog pound.

And what household would be complete without an electronic yodelling pickle? I, for one, am sick and tired of trying to train my own pickles to yodel – now you can purchase one pre-trained.

And since the true spirit of Christmas is all about office supplies, how about a nose pencil sharpener for your co-worker? Especially the co-worker with the big nose.

And finally, for the religiously confused among your friends, there is simply no better gift than the Santa dreidel.

This has been your Letters From Texas last-minute Christmas gift guide.

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The major Democrats running against each other for President earlier this year all seem to be doing quite well. Obviously, Barack Obama will become President on January 20th. So far, we know that Joe Biden will be the Vice President. Hillary Clinton will be the new Secretary of State. Bill Richardson is slated to become the next Commerce Secretary.

But what of John Edwards? Letters from Texas Worldwide Headquarters, Tabloid Sleaze Division, can now reveal exclusively that even John Edwards has employment opportunities available to him.

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Victoria’s Secret Police

All hail the crack police department in Boulder, Colorado. Apparently, they learned of a prowler who secretly videotaped “a couple engaged in an intimate act.” I can only assume this means that the couple was having a very nice dinner at the corner table at the best restaurant in town. While investigating, the cops discovered that the prowler had also been stealing women’s panties.

So of course they did what any red-blooded American police department would have done – posted a picture gallery of all the panties.

Unfortunately, they apparently have not come up with any of mis-matched socks that I seem to have sacrificed to the dryer God.

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Holiday Jeer

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Folks are really getting into the spirit of things.

Example 1: angry parents attacked Santa and his elves.

Key phrase: “Disappointed customer Claire Harnett and five-year-old daughter Tierney, told the newspaper they spotted Santa with his beard off having a smoke.”

Example 2: a 37 year old man who lives with his parents used a Christmas tree to assault his father.

Key fact: he’s a 37 year old man who lives with his parents. Was it really necessary to point that out? I didn’t think so.

Early reports do not indicate whether there were East Texans involved in either incident. But we have our suspicions.

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Letters From Texas Holiday Gift Guide, Part II

Here’s Part I

You know the drill – this crap ain’t gonna put itself under the tree. Lets get to it:

For Pro-life Texas Legislators: So many of them believe that life begins at conception. Based on their votes to cut childrens health insurance, siphon money out of public schools, make a college education less accessible, and expand the death penalty to include parking violations, many of them also think life ends at birth. Those inconvenient details aside, what better way to note their courageous stand to end a woman’s right to control her own decisions than the fetus cookie cutter?

For New Parents: the true spirit of Christmas lives in the hearts of children. What better way to mark that special time of year than to give the gift that keeps on giving, the soon-to-be-bestselling book, “How To Traumatize Your Children.” For the narcissistic parent on your Christmas list, this book is the perfect guide to having a dysfunctional family! It includes chapters such as “Imagination is an Unaffordable Luxury,” “Your Child’s Cues and Needs: Ignore Them,” and “Push Them Now, Before It’s Too Late.”

For Pet Lovers: Nothing says “Christmas gift for somebody who almost didn’t make my list” like a calendar, so for the animal lovers on your list, don’t miss out on the 2009 Dog Poop Calendar. I don’t even know what else to say about a photographer this bored.

This has been your Letters From Texas Holiday Gift Guide, Part II. Now that you’ve got the goods for your friends’ Christmas stocking, stuff it!

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