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Letters From Texas News Briefs

Herman Cain: another day, another woman

Yesterday, famed attorney Gloria Allred hosted a press conference in New York, in which she introduced the most recent of several women to accuse Republican Presidential candidate Herman Cain of sexual harassment. The woman, Sharon Bialek, described behavior which, if true, would cross the line from simple harassment to sexual assault.

However, moments after the press conference, a jury in the trial of Michael Jackson’s doctor returned a guilty verdict in the doctor’s involuntary manslaughter trial, resulting in mass confusion nation-wide in which Americans now believe that Herman Cain’s latest accuser says Michael Jackson’s doctor molested Gloria Allred’s client while high on Rick Perry’s pain killers, or something.

Later yesterday, Mr. Cain appeared on a late night talk show, during which he confirmed that his wife is actually a Democrat, which explains why his wife is the first confirmed woman that Cain has reportedly not tried to sleep with.

Cain has scheduled a 3 pm press conference today in Phoenix, during which his head is scheduled to explode.

It’s official: Oklahoma possessed by Devil

Eyebrows were raised yesterday in Oklahoma, when on a single day the state experienced floods, hail, tornadoes, and another earthquake. The state had experienced an earthquake last Sunday as well.

Adding to local confusion, Satan announced that he will hold a press conference today at noon in Oklahoma City, where he is expected to take responsibility for the unusual events and formally claim the state as his own. The move is considered a mere formality, since Oklahoma has long been considered Hell.

In a related move, the Tulsa City Council is scheduled to meet later this week in a special called hearing, at which they will consider a move recommended by the local chamber of commerce to re-name the city “Sucking Eddy of Despair.” While the name change has little local opposition, officials in both Branson, Missouri and the entire state of Iowa have threatened to sue Tulsa for trademark violation if the Tulsa City Council moves forward with their plan.

Election day in Texas

Texas voters will head to the polls today to vote on several state Constitutional amendments and in local school board and municipal elections. Turnout is projected to be low in the election, which features several relatively low-profile measures. Perhaps the highest profile item up for consideration is the Houston mayor’s race, in which incumbent Mayor Anise Parker is expected to coast to re-election with approximately 10,000 percent of the vote.

While Texas Governor Rick Perry is not on today’s ballot in Texas, several pollsters say that Perry will get just about as many votes in Texas today as he should expect in the New Hampshire Republican primary in January.

This esteemed publication recommends a vote in favor of Proposition 8, the water conservation measure.

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America demands an explanation

Here’s a news flash that perhaps Herman Cain or Rick Perry might have invested a little time mulling over before they bothered to throw their hats into the ring and run for President:

Politics is rough.

One would have thought that at least Governor Perry might have caught on to that fundamental truth, long about the time he once falsely accused an opponent of being a DEA agent-murdering money launderer.

But no, the fact that politics is a rough and tumble full-contact sport was apparently a complete surprise to the Perry camp, as witnessed by Mrs. Perry’s recent “people are picking on us” tear-up-athon.

Now it’s Herman Cain’s turn. Upon people finding out that he did something (we still don’t really know what) to some women (we still don’t really know who) back when he was totally proving up his qualifications to be the President of the United States by shilling for crappy restaurant chains (we don’t really know why), Cain first claimed he didn’t remember anything about “it” (whatever “it” is), then claimed that oops, he does remember “it”, but that “it” never happened.

Now Cain, rather than discussing “it,” is attempting to change the subject away from the actual “it,” to a discussion about who brought “it” to the public’s attention. And he lays “it” at the feet of the aforementioned Rick Perry. No word yet if Perry’s campaign has scheduled Mrs. Perry to whine about this yet. They’ve been too busy explaining that bizarre video of last Friday’s Perry speech by stressing the point that Rick Perry does not – they repeat NOT – need to be under the influence of alcohol to act like a damn fool.

Best we can tell, whatever “it” that Cain may or may not have done caused the Restaurant Association to pay a woman or two, but maybe three, to go away. We don’t know why they didn’t opt to pay Herman Cain to go away, thus saving the country a lot of trouble, as well as saving us all from having to read really vague, somewhat disturbing, and utterly boring news accounts of “it.”

Herman Cain is now pulling a Clarence Thomas, with the help of Mrs. Clarence Thomas, and is letting the world know that he is the real victim here, in between “jokes” about electrocuting Mexicans. I’m just guessing here, but I bet that the revelation that Cain is the real victim comes as a complete surprise to the women at the Restaurant Association who had to go find new work.

Personally, I would advise Republican primary voters to delay making judgements on this one. Cain didn’t even remember anything happening at first. But his partial recovery from amnesia may in time lead to him remembering precisely what he did. Also, it may lead to him remembering what that last “9” means in his big economic plan.

There are several ways this could get interesting. One of the women might go public with the details. Or maybe the tabloids might come forward with details they just make up. Or maybe an enterprising reporter will prove that Perry really did leak the story, which would not be a credibility-inducing moment for a campaign which has already flatly denied it had anything to do with it.

Either way, pop some popcorn and grab a comfy seat – the long knives are out, and the silly season is upon us.

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