Archive | John Carona

RSS feed for this section

Dan Patrick vs. John Carona cage match!

Interesting doings in the Texas Senate this week, which is unheard of unusual.

Out of the blue, Republican Senator Dan Patrick emailed the entire Senate membership, indignant that fellow Republican Senator John Carona had supposedly been spreading rumors that Patrick and his wife are separated.

It didn’t take long for Senator Carona to hit the “reply to all” button and double down on Patrick. Carona replied that while he’d heard rumors, he did not repeat that Patrick is having marital problems. Carona then added that he also did not repeat that Dan Patrick might be gay.

Of course it took less time for somebody in the Senate to leak the entire exchange to the Quorum Report than it does for Sheila Jackson-Lee to find an aisle seat at a State-Of-The-Union Address.

So, in the spirit of full enlightenment for you, the crap-reading public, Letters From Texas Worldwide Headquarters proudly presents the…

Top Ten List Of Other Stuff John Carona Probably Didn’t Repeat About Dan Patrick

10. Contrary to previous claims, Dan Patrick did not, in fact, save a bunch of money by switching his car insurance to Geico.

9. Dan Patrick actually does not walk on water. It was really cold that day. It was ice. Really – just ice.

8. Dan Patrick totally cheats at rock-paper-scissors in the members’ lounge.

7. Dan Patrick has been seen in public with his epidermis showing. Also, he has a family member who is an acknowledged thespian.

6. Dan Patrick is actually a Sith Lord.

5. Every morning before the Senate goes into session, Dan Patrick places a whoopee cushion in John Carona’s chair, and Carona’s getting gosh darn sick of it.

4. Mom! Dan Patrick touched me first! Make him stop!

3. O.J. Simpson says Dan Patrick is the real killer he’s been looking for.

2. Dan Patrick has more than 300 google email alerts on himself.

1. Dan Patrick’s real motivation for running for Lt. Governor is to force the other Senators to run around saying, “Lieutenant Dan! Lieutenant Dan!” like Forrest Gump.

Comments { 0 }