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Letters From Texas News Briefs

Herman Cain: another day, another woman

Yesterday, famed attorney Gloria Allred hosted a press conference in New York, in which she introduced the most recent of several women to accuse Republican Presidential candidate Herman Cain of sexual harassment. The woman, Sharon Bialek, described behavior which, if true, would cross the line from simple harassment to sexual assault.

However, moments after the press conference, a jury in the trial of Michael Jackson’s doctor returned a guilty verdict in the doctor’s involuntary manslaughter trial, resulting in mass confusion nation-wide in which Americans now believe that Herman Cain’s latest accuser says Michael Jackson’s doctor molested Gloria Allred’s client while high on Rick Perry’s pain killers, or something.

Later yesterday, Mr. Cain appeared on a late night talk show, during which he confirmed that his wife is actually a Democrat, which explains why his wife is the first confirmed woman that Cain has reportedly not tried to sleep with.

Cain has scheduled a 3 pm press conference today in Phoenix, during which his head is scheduled to explode.

It’s official: Oklahoma possessed by Devil

Eyebrows were raised yesterday in Oklahoma, when on a single day the state experienced floods, hail, tornadoes, and another earthquake. The state had experienced an earthquake last Sunday as well.

Adding to local confusion, Satan announced that he will hold a press conference today at noon in Oklahoma City, where he is expected to take responsibility for the unusual events and formally claim the state as his own. The move is considered a mere formality, since Oklahoma has long been considered Hell.

In a related move, the Tulsa City Council is scheduled to meet later this week in a special called hearing, at which they will consider a move recommended by the local chamber of commerce to re-name the city “Sucking Eddy of Despair.” While the name change has little local opposition, officials in both Branson, Missouri and the entire state of Iowa have threatened to sue Tulsa for trademark violation if the Tulsa City Council moves forward with their plan.

Election day in Texas

Texas voters will head to the polls today to vote on several state Constitutional amendments and in local school board and municipal elections. Turnout is projected to be low in the election, which features several relatively low-profile measures. Perhaps the highest profile item up for consideration is the Houston mayor’s race, in which incumbent Mayor Anise Parker is expected to coast to re-election with approximately 10,000 percent of the vote.

While Texas Governor Rick Perry is not on today’s ballot in Texas, several pollsters say that Perry will get just about as many votes in Texas today as he should expect in the New Hampshire Republican primary in January.

This esteemed publication recommends a vote in favor of Proposition 8, the water conservation measure.

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Austin Weather Briefs

Austin area schools condemned for failing to drastically over-react to weather

Many parents of school-age children strongly criticized Austin-area schools for failing to close in the face of what appeared to be a possible single flake of snow Wednesday.

Area schools’ failure to close during unseasonably cold temperatures this morning created a total gridlock of parents and their school-age children attempting to go about the exact same routine they do every morning.

Man shoveling snow, only
944 miles from Austin

“This is ridiculous,” said one student. “I don’t see why we have to be in school today. Sure, it might be 70 degrees inside my classroom, but look outside! It’s sort of cold out there!”

Weather forecasters say there’s little relief in sight for Central Texas residents, explaining that there is a 70 percent chance of continued slight discomfort for the remainder of the week.

ERCOT orders rolling blackouts as power grid exceeds generation capacity

ERCOT, the Electric Reliability Council of Texas which manages the state’s power grid, ordered continuing area rolling blackouts this morning, as the state’s electric power needs outpaced producers’ ability to provide the needed electricity.

While the blackouts were scheduled to last no longer than 45 minutes in any neighborhood, some were complaining of outages exceeding two hours.

“They cannot possibly expect me to survive under these conditions,” said one Austin woman, forced to go to work without blow-drying and Chi-straightening her hair, and who then reportedly suffered further indignity when her local Starbucks was unable to fill her usual order of triple grande caramel macchiato half-caf, with extra whip.

The University of Texas, however, has been spared the rolling blackouts, since the campus not only has it’s own generator system, but also recently acquired a state-of-the-art solar powered built-in butt cheek warmer in Longhorns head coach Mack Brown’s office chair, to protect his precious delicate ass.

While the state Capitol has not been spared power outages, authorities report that the building remains quite comfortable, explaining that for some reason, there seems to be an unlimited source of hot air originating from the building.

Weather woes force area seniors to bore grandkids with “when I was your age” stories

The Central Texas cold snap on Wednesday morning triggered area senior citizens to bore their grandchildren half to death with stories of cold snaps experienced during their own childhood.

“Why when I was your age, we were forced to walk to school in the snow every morning,” approximately 23,395 area schoolchildren reported their grandparents telling them this morning.

In a related story, police report a sharp spike in assaults against elderly people in Central Texas today, as younger family members are apparently pummeling them with iPods and Wii controllers in attempts to shut them up.

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Austin News Briefs

Perry, Dewhurst sworn in

Governor Rick Perry and Lt. Governor David Dewhurst were sworn in on the South steps of the Texas Capitol yesterday morning, amid the enthusiastic cheers of hundreds of really really white people.

During the celebration, dubbed the “Nothing To See Here, Everything Is Fine, Go About Your Business” inauguration, Perry proclaimed this to be a “Texas century.” He later denied that he was signaling to his supporters that he intends to keep running for Governor for the entirety of this century.

Dewhurst, for his part, delivered a wide-ranging speech lasting approximately three days. He touched on a wide range of issues of interest to Republican primary voters in, let’s say, a U.S. Senate race, and called on Washington D.C. to send more troops to the border until such time as Republican polling indicates otherwise.

The Republicans’ celebration was interrupted by the noise of what reporters described as a small airplane towing a congratulatory banner, but which most conservative attendees claimed was a black helicopter.

Republican budget draft released

State Representative Jim Pitts, the Republican Chairman of the powerful House Appropriations Committee, released his initial budget draft yesterday evening. To the surprise of Capitol-watchers, the only funded line item remaining in Pitts’ proposal is $12. 53, to pay a guy to turn off the lights.

Pitts said there’s room for negotiation in the coming months, specifically citing several other unfunded items which lawmakers might want to consider backing. These include hiring a night watchman at the Department of Public Safety, whose job duties would include continuing to approve concealed weapons permits, and funding to continue the last remaining vestiges of the Texas Education Agency, tasked with firing all remaining public school teachers in the state and renaming the scaled-down agency as the “Department of Home Schooling and Creationism.”

Most Republicans hailed the budget draft, explaining that they were happy that Texas legislators were finally scrubbing the budget of wasteful luxuries such as food, clothing, and shelter.

However, the budget document stands in stark contrast to remarks given by state Senator Steve Ogden last week. Ogden, the Senate’s chief budget-writer, urged Senators to “leave politics at the door” this session, alter the under-performing franchise tax, fix public education and health and human services funding to better serve Texans, and use the state’s $9 billion rainy day fund.

Other Republicans privately denounced Ogden’s positions, angrily characterizing them as “a dirty bald-faced truth.”

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